Is it really chemistry if it’s forced? I thought to myself while I was revisiting the last conversation with the guy I liked… or I thought I liked.
It’s not that there was something wrong with him, it’s just that it didn’t feel genuine.
You know, he didn’t make me uncontrollably think about him.
He didn’t make me daydream of our potential dates or forget about that banana bread in the oven.
There was nothing to make me want to imagine our future together or think about the names of our nonexistent kids. And honestly, that bothered me.
I know I’m not 18 anymore and I know life isn’t a fairytale – I’m not being hysterical here – but knowing how unglamorous life is, IS the reason I want something extraordinary.
I’m not talking about a perfect life, but genuine connection.
A real understanding, an obsession with getting into the depth of someone you love because they fascinate you so much.
I want to study them like a religious book. I want to learn my person by heart.
I’m talking about the decision not to get bored with someone because boredom only means you’ve taken something for granted, be it a person or an uninspiring day.
If you’re bored, it means you’re not paying attention.
I witnessed some very magical things in my life and I know love is real, and that’s why I will never give up, which brings me back to that something that bothered me in my last almost relationship.
What bugged me most was probably the fact that I just didn’t feel comfortable enough around him. It still bugs me.
That doesn’t mean one of us had done something wrong, just that there probably was no deeper connection.
I believe my intuition wouldn’t lie to me when it comes to this kind of stuff.
Even my brain was asking questions like: Do you REALLY want to spend an unknown number of years in your life feeling like THIS?
My immediate answer was no. No, I don’t want to feel like a half-finished painting. I don’t want to feel like I’m missing out.
And yeah, I know that fear of missing out is a disease of today, but hear me out.
If I’m about to share my life and my body with someone for the rest of my life, I want that connection to be raw.
Unfiltered. No editing, no taboos, no censorships, no f-n frosted glass.
I want him to see me as I am. I want to feel safe enough to act wild or to be completely vulnerable.
Of course, there’s that one part of me that tells me I need to lower my expectations, but then there’s another that yells at me saying: Don’t settle for less than YOU think you deserve.
After all, we only have one life, and while that statement sometimes feels like pressure, other times it comes as a revelation.
No, I don’t want forced chemistry. I don’t want something that’s going to disappear after the honeymoon phase.
I don’t want to constantly remind myself that “things could’ve been worse.”
I want things to be “worse” and still feel completely content with my decision. I want to go through “worse” with the right person.
The raw connection is felt on the soul level. It’s not calculated by how comfortable your life will be with someone.
As a matter of fact, comfort is probably the fastest way to feelings of dissatisfaction in a relationship.
Without challenges and growth, there’s no real freedom – and freedom is love.
In order to be happy, we need to experience the love we desire. In order to experience love we desire, we must be authentic.
In other words, you must act yourself to attract the one who will love you for it.
That’s a raw connection.
That’s something you deserve and why you shouldn’t stop saying to yourself: Don’t settle for less.