We’ve all sworn not to be like this. We’ve all sworn that we won’t forget our friends once we fall in love and we’ve mocked those doing so for way too long.

That backfired horribly.

At first, I wanted to burn all our photos and delete those I had in my gallery. I wanted to delete that period of my life because the future held nothing for the two of us. She found her real soulmate and there was no longer time nor place for me. But the fact that we didn’t hang around as we used did couldn’t change the fact that we had so many amazing and exciting moments together. That can’t be erased.

I spent so much time thinking, “Who else am I going to call my best friend?”. We’ve been friends for so long and I had plenty of people around, but you know how it goes—there is this one really best friend; others are just people I hang around with.

She was always there I guess. She was there for wild nights. She was there to cure my broken heart. She was there for Netflix and chill—the only one I let change my favorite show until she wasn’t anymore. It felt kind of empty.

Memories were everywhere. Memories are still everywhere. There was our favorite place to eat after a night out. There was our special ice cream for a broken heart and we had our dance to our favorite song. I guess we went from friends to strangers with memories. Boohoo for me—I know I am not the only one out there to live these things. It’s just awkward when people ask me about her and why they don’t see us together any longer. It’s a little too obvious, don’t you think?

She was no longer up for wild nights out. She wasn’t always available and most of her plans contained her new boyfriend as well. See, I felt betrayed, left alone, played and what not. We had our plan—we had our mantra that we lived until she fell in love. And still she had me in her plan. She did, but it wasn’t the only two of us and it somehow felt awkward. So, we fell apart.

See also: This Is How A Toxic Relationship Killed My Best Friend

 

Woman standing in front of a man

 

I started thinking of the friendship we had and friendships in general. I realized most of our friendships are formed when we’re in our 20s and when life is scary as hell. It’s mostlyfriendships out of need.

We need someone who’ll share our deprivation. We need someone who’ll share the same feelings as we do. We need somebody who’ll understand us and we need to be taken care of.

When our whole world is falling apart, we need someone to tell us it’ll be alright—basically, we need our soulmates. Someone in whose life we’re reflected.

The second thing I realized is that our friends are indeed our soulmates, but just for a while. Because once you go out, you find a guy with whom you can spend nights with, which was the primary goal of your going out. We might fool ourselves and think we go out to have fun, but it’s only fun if there are cute guys around us.

Love is what we’re constantly searching for. Whether we like to admit it or not, we need love to function. We need to crawl into bed with a man we love and we need to have somebody to lean our head on. That kind of intimacy is just a whole new level and after a few years, I get it.

I get that she moved on and found somebody special in her life. She was there when I really needed her and then she moved on. That’s the way things should go. I know now if I was her, I’d do the same thing. I’d choose the love of my life over her as well. I would plan my days with him, my vacations, trips and what not. Because he’d be mine forever, and he’d be the one I’d like to see myself with in future. I get it now.

I’m just sorry that I spent so much time angry when I should’ve been happy for her. She deserved to be loved, not to be held back by me. It hurt like hell to lose my best friend over a guy, but I know now that’s the way things should go. I just wish I knew this earlier.

See also: This Is Why You Should Choose Your Best Friend Over Him?