I was like, you’re kidding right? No, you have got to be fucking kidding me. After all the time I spent and the tears I shed. Now you want to tell me that I’m the one? Yeah, of course I am you idiot. That’s what I was trying to tell you. All those times that I begged you to come home. All the times that I became a detective to track you down. All the times I forgave you when I did finally track you down. All because despite all of the other ‘ones’ you had, I somehow believed that I was ‘the one’. May I never be so young and dumb again.
I fought for you. I tried to be everything you needed so that you wouldn’t stray. I thought you cheating had something to do with me, because you made me feel that way. You once told me that being with her (one her in particular out of a sea of hers) was peaceful. I’m sure it was, because she still thought she was the only one. I kindly let her know she wasn’t. Being with me was peaceful too, until you started running around on me and I started to chase you like the crazy person you made me. Being with me was peaceful too, until you started not answering my calls for days and coming up with lame excuses. I was fucking good to you, until I found out that you were cheating on me. All the time.
I don’t even know why I stayed after the first time. I think because I was just a kid and I needed to win. I needed to be the one you chose. My God I hate how desperate I was for you. I hate how sick it made me feel when I checked your voicemail and heard other girls’ voices leaving you messages. I hated finding the evidence to prove what I always knew deep down. I was never the only one. Even when things were good, and I was calm and getting just enough attention from you that I started to believe you would change, I was never the only one. It came to a point where I don’t even think it hurt anymore.
Then one day I looked at you, and I was disgusted. You touched me, and I cringed. The thought of you in my bed made me vomit in my mouth. It took seven years but one day my body had physically had enough of you and I became repulsed. It was the greatest day of my life. I didn’t even let you know. You left and I told you afterwards that you were never coming back. Quietly, peacefully. You didn’t believe me at first. You called me until you figured it out. It didn’t take you very long to realize this was different than all the other times I was done.
Because those other times I fought, I yelled, I screamed, I emoted to you all of the ways you were hurting me and I told you I was done, but what I really wanted was for you to fight back. To stay engaged with me, because bad attention was better than no attention. I wanted to fight until you would apologize and promise to change. Which you always would. But this time, there was nothing to fight for. I was done fighting and I didn’t care if you changed.
Then you wanted to cut off all the other girls, then you wanted to be the man that I needed but it was too late. I don’t know whether you would have changed or not, somehow I doubt it. I see you around and hear about your antics from time to time. Sounds like I saved myself from a lifetime of misery.
by Tia Grace
Read more of Tia’s work on http://yoursassyblackfriend.com/