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The Hardest Part Was Saying Goodbye When I Wanted To Say “I Do”

The Hardest Part Was Saying Goodbye When I Wanted To Say “I Do”

You were making scrambled eggs and blueberries muffins while I was making coffee and setting up the table. It was our little morning dance—something private only the two of us shared.

You would kiss me on the forehead while you were reaching for the eggs from the fridge. I would hug you tightly to warm up my hands from the cold water. We would dance around the kitchen in sync, knowing where the other will go, knowing how other one will move.

Only that morning, instead of turning around to see you waiting for me with your arms open for the hug I can run into, I turned around to see you kneeling on your knee and holding a little black box.

You were blushing. Your hands were shaking while I was already tearing up. I said yes, and you said hell yeah.

I don’t think I could ever imagine us this way. That morning, everything seemed so perfect. That morning, the colors were brighter, the food tasted better and the work hours flew so quickly.

That morning, I could already see myself walking down the aisle in a wedding dress, wearing a bouquet made of petunias while you were waiting for me. I could imagine your face turning into a smile once you saw me. But this, this I could never imagine.

It’s not that I don’t love you—I do. I love you with all of my heart. I love you with that stupid kind of love, the love that makes me love your music and watch games with you. But I love me more.

I’m still seeing your face in my dreams. The face you had when you came home to see my suitcases at the front door and me sitting in the dark on the couch.

I can still hear your steps, going back and forth like you weren’t sure if you wanted to come in. You turned the lights on, but to me, everything was still in blurred darkness. You kneeled one more time, hugging my legs like you were trying to stop me from leaving.

I was holding the ring in my sweaty palms—the ring I loved so much. It wasn’t an ordinary engagement ring, but neither was our love.

It had a pear-shaped emerald surrounded with white diamonds engraved in white gold. An emerald to match my eyes and white diamonds to match your forever love that was supposed to keep me safe.

“Don’t leave me. I’ll be better. You know I never meant to hurt you.”

Tears were rolling from your eyes while you were kissing my hands, hoping I would stay. Getting up, getting away from your hug and kisses was hard. It hurt me like thousands of knives piercing my entire body over and over again. But saying goodbye when I wanted to say “I do” was the hardest.

The ring fell somewhere on the floor, while I was running away. The ring I loved so much was lost together with the man I loved more than anything.

“Dear Guests,
We are sorry to inform you that the wedding is canceled. We hope that the change in plans will not affect your schedules. You will be notified if there will be a rescheduling date. “

The wedding dress came to work a week later. I had ordered it to come there, so there would be no chance for you to see it. You know, bad luck and stuff. But I guess we already had a share of that bad luck.

That night, I cried myself to sleep, wearing the dress I was supposed to wear on the happiest day of my life.

“We’re sorry ma’am, there’s no return policy for wedding dresses. We’re deeply sorry to hear about your wedding cancellation.”

I never thought that this could happen to me. I never believed that I could ever walk away from the love of my life. But I’ve been through hell.

I’ve been broken and abused. I’ve been manipulated and I’m done with men who are not ready to love me like I deserve. And I deserve to be loved.

I deserve someone who will bring me coffee and cook breakfast with me. You loved me, you did everything for me, you made me the happiest woman alive, but you also slept with her.

“Hey baby girl. I’m just calling to see how you’re doing? You know, we can still get through this. You know I love you, you know that was just a mistake I’ll never do again. Call me, okay?”
Message deleted

I love you and I know you love me. But seeing the man I love more than I ever believed I could love anyone, seeing the man that made me believe in love again, the man that picked me up and loved me when I couldn’t love myself; seeing that man in bed with another woman is… indescribable.

How can you put the feeling of your heart shattering to pieces, of your whole body aching and your future disappearing right in front of your eyes into words? How can you ever forget that you were betrayed by the only person you believed will never betray you?

What do you do when the only person that can stop you from crying is the person that made you cry? I love you, I do. But I had to leave. I had to say goodbye when I wanted to say “I do”.