If you’re wondering how to fix a broken relationship and make it last, know that you’ve just landed in the right place!
Broken relationships have become an epidemic of modern society and not so long ago, I was in the same situation.
I was at a crossroads where I was struggling to decide whether I want to fight for my broken relationship or just move on.
And now I’m glad that I didn’t just give up because today I couldn’t be happier and I can say that I’m finally in a healthy, successful relationship.
And you can be, too!
The first step to fixing a broken relationship is learning what exactly happened and what was the trigger in the first place, so that you have a better understanding of the whole situation.
So, let’s get started!
You see, at its beginning, every relationship goes through the “honeymoon phase” where everything seems magical because you can’t wait to see your partner and spend time together, can’t stop thinking about each other, you laugh, you cuddle, and everything’s just perfect.
But, unfortunately, this “honeymoon phase” doesn’t last for long.
After three to four months, your relationships enters another phase that is more realistic – one where you face various relationship problems and relationship issues.
In this phase, you either continue building a healthy relationship or you lose yourself and end up being in a bad relationship that’s toxic for both you and your partner.
When that happens, you have two choices: You can either fix your broken relationship or give up and go your separate ways.
But, since you’re here, I assume that you’ve already made a choice and you decided to take things into your hands and look for ways that will help you fix your broken relationship.
And you did a good thing!
But, there are some things that you need to be aware of before doing anything.
To be more precise, there are some questions that you need to ask yourself in order to be one hundred percent sure that fixing your relationship is exactly what you want and that it’s worth saving.
And they are the following:
• Do both of you want the same thing?
• Is there enough energy left in the relationship that will give you the needed strength in the process of fixing?
• Are there some hidden issues that are preventing you from reconnecting again?
• Are both of you still willing to try?
Take some time to think about these questions and answer them honestly, because fixing a broken relationship is about mutual will and effort.
It’s not something one partner can do (even though you can always try).
Mending a long-term relationship or broken marriage requires a good amount of time, patience, and strong will.
As with everything else, a broken relationship cannot be fixed overnight. It’s a process.
It’s a process that requires insight into what exactly happened in the relationship, understanding, patience, and a strong will when it comes to making your relationship work.
HOW TO FIX A BROKEN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE
Now that we’ve gone through the list of the most common causes of broken relationships, it’s time to learn how to fix a broken relationship.
Here are some helpful ways to help you mend your relationship in no time:
1. Make a conscious effort from both sides
When it comes to fixing broken relationships, the first thing you need to do is make a conscious effort from both sides (that’s exactly what every marriage counselor would say to you).
You need to make sure that both sides are equally invested in and willing to save the relationship – because it takes two to tango.
It takes two individuals to make mistakes, to break a relationship, and to fix a relationship as well.
If one partner is unwilling to cooperate, then it means he’s not interested in saving anything.
And not being interested means not giving a damn.
And not giving a damn about something means not being willing to progress and make things right.
2. Target and analyze the cause of your broken relationship
The next step is targeting and analyzing the cause of your broken relationship.
The above list can help you with that, so all you need to do is focus on the problems that you recognize in your relationship like loss of attention, incompatibility in the bedroom, arguing over trivial things, holding resentment, or whatever the case may be.
Finding the root of your dysfunction is basically half of your job done because in order to fix something, you first need to know what needs to be fixed.
If you want to learn how to fix a broken relationship, communication is the most powerful tool that you have at your disposal, so why not use it?
Always keep in mind that unsaid words, holding resentment, and building walls are the biggest enemies of every relationship.
And communication is what prevents those enemies from penetrating and breaking it into pieces.
So, if there’s anything on your mind that bothers and that you would want to talk out with your partner, make sure to do so.
4. Listen to your partner
As already said, many couples over time become deaf to their partner’s words, needs, and wishes. Because of that, it’s important to remind yourself to listen to your partner, absorb their every word, and act accordingly.
Fixing your relationship basically consists of two principles: Talking and listening.
But, I have to say that listening is more important than talking because when both partners are focused on listening, they’re being focused on the other partner and not only themselves.
5. Work on changing yourself before trying to change your partner
From my personal experience, I can confirm how easy it is to become stagnant in a relationship and to stop working on yourself.
So, pay close attention to it.
Always work on yourself before trying to change your partner.
After all, at the end of the day, the only person you can change is yourself.
Remember what we said above: Change comes within you!
Always strive to become the best version of yourself and that will motivate your partner to do the same.
It’s the best indirect way of bringing changes into your relationship without forcing or nagging.
6. Learn to forget and forgive
Instead of holding resentment and building up those walls when something bad happens, be open to forgive.
Learn to forgive, because otherwise, your relationship will be filled with toxicity and negative, unsaid words that are real destroyers of every relationship.
7. Take responsibility for your actions
Since change comes within yourself, it’s important to take responsibility for your own actions.
Instead of only focusing on the mistakes and bad things done by your partner, you should also focus on your own and take responsibility for it.
Acknowledge your own mistakes, work on bettering yourself and making things right, seek forgiveness, and hope for the best.
It’s the only way to establish a healthy balance and make changes in a relationship.
8. Make sure to give your partner space and time
One of the most common mistakes in a relationship is spending too much time together with your partner.
So, instead of spending every second of your free time with them, make sure to give each other some space and time to recharge, to maintain connections with your friends and family, and to continue doing things you liked doing before you entered a relationship.
9. Break the routine
To prevent your relationship from falling into a rut or to fix the same, introduce some changes and exciting things in your relationship.
For example, don’t go to the same restaurants, don’t do the same activities more than once or twice a week, and every once in a while go wild and introduce some new activity that you haven’t tried before.
It could be just about anything!
10. Rewind happy moments
Being in a broken relationship means falling into the labyrinth of negativity.
So, to find a way out of it, you need to focus on staying positive.
And rewinding to happy moments you’ve spent together will help you with that.
Prepare your favorite drinks, light some candles and start talking about all the happy moments and positive aspects of your relationship.
The level of positivity that this practice brings is ten times stronger than any negativity.
THE MOST COMMON CAUSES OF BROKEN RELATIONSHIPS
In order to fix something or to heal from something, the first thing we need to do is understand the real reason(s) or cause(s) behind it.
Just as nothing can be fixed overnight, nothing can break overnight.
Little things, body language, nourishing good qualities, boosting each other’s self-esteem, rebuilding trust if broken, spicing up your love life, and making your loved one feel special are all things we need to pay attention to in every relationship.
When any of these things becomes a burden or simply non-existent, your relationship ties start weakening.
To understand it better, here is a list of the most common reasons for relationships breaking:
1. Building walls
One of the most problematic things in a relationship is withdrawing during arguments, building walls, or any kind of passive-aggressive behavior.
Building walls means not being willing to talk to your partner, try to understand the situation, and together take action to find a solution for it.
Withdrawal (especially during arguments) is one of the most toxic things that can seriously affect both partners’ mental health and seriously damage the relationship.
Because when you refuse to talk about certain things, when you refuse to tell each other how you really feel, you refuse to let go of all the negative things that, when accumulated, can be really harmful for both your well-being and relationship.
Building walls can also cause trust issues over time because when you’re not familiar with what is really going on in your partner’s head, it gets hard to trust them.
And when that happens, instead of trying to fix it, breaking up and surviving a broken heart becomes your everyday concern.
Your relationship loses fundamental values like trust, respect, and mutual effort that are prerequisites when it comes to establishing a healthy relationship.
You start going through a rough patch and the only thing that can salvage the two of you is acknowledging the problem, being willing to rebuild trust by opening up to your partner and mutual effort.
2. Not being on the same page
The second most common reason why relationships reach the breaking point is not being on the same page. Now, what does this mean?
Many partners enter a relationship or a marriage without ever talking with their partner about their expectations and what they really want.
They don’t talk about their dreams, wishes, and things they find important when it comes to maintaining a relationship.
And that’s where clashes occur.
After some time, the absence of like-mindedness starts to surface.
And that’s where you start fighting about things like whether you want to start living together (or where), if you want to have kids in the future, about your own ideas of romantic gestures, the importance of little things, making each other special, and overall expectations in a relationship.
Not being on the same page with your partner means not sharing the same values or perspective on certain things and/or not being willing to compromise.
And this has nothing to do with love.
Your love can be as strong as ever, but differing viewpoints can still damage your relationship (no matter how long you’ve been in one).
3. Unrealistic standards
There’s no such thing as a perfect relationship, nor a perfect partner – and that’s just how it should be, but we often forget that.
Making mistakes in a relationship is a natural occurrence and it’s a part of the bonding process, so expecting from our partner to never make a single mistake and to always act in a perfect manner is crazy.
When we let that feeling of perfection overwhelm us, we dive into the world of unrealistic standards that forces us to act in certain ways – blaming our partner for everything, and pinpointing and judging their every mistake and move.
And by doing all of that, we’re creating an imbalance in the relationship where one partner feels superior and the other like a subordinate.
Where one partner does all the right things and the other is the epitome of mistakes and the cause of the broken relationship.
But, the truth is that it takes two to break a relationship.
Thinking that your partner should always act immaculately, just the way you imagined, puts massive pressure on them and they will start suffocating.
Once they feel suffocated, they also pull you with them – and that’s where the real issues begin (if not dealt with on time).
4. The fear of being alone
As we already said, the biggest culprit of broken relationships is building walls, but the fear of being alone is pretty much similar to it. How?
When you’re in a relationship and you have the fear of being alone, this can prevent you from acknowledging certain relationship problems and issues just because you don’t want to fuck things up and end up being on your own.
So, you rather choose to turn a blind eye to everything that’s going on or pretend that it’s all just perfect and your relationship doesn’t need fixing.
The fear of being alone is a powerful feeling that can prevent you from seeing things clearly, and it’s one of the most dangerous things that can happen to you in a relationship.
When you don’t see things as they are or refuse to do so, you’re just letting the situation continue developing at its own negative pace.
The longer you do it, the more you’re damaging your relationship without even being aware of it.
If you’re in a relationship just to fill the void of feeling lonely, you’re not in it for the right reasons.
You need to rise above that feeling of emptiness and think about what you really want and how you can improve your relationship.
5. Lack of open communication
Open communication is the soul of every relationship.
Being able to share your feelings, to talk about things happening in your lives, your perspective on certain things, your wishes, and so on are things that create a stronger bond in a relationship.
These are the things that bring and keep you closer to each other.
And when there’s a lack of open communication, you’re no longer connected to each other.
You start detaching and you lose a sense of yourself as a partner.
Unsaid words are one of the most powerful destroyers of every relationship and that’s why we should always make sure to say what we really mean and let our partner be a part of our life.
6. Comparing your relationship to others
Many people have this tendency to compare their relationship to others because they think that theirs should look like someone else’s.
Many people think that others are happier than them and that they should implement their strategies and copy their behavior.
And the longer they compare, the more miserable they become.
But, the truth is, every relationship is unique with its own ups and downs, so there’s simply no point in thinking the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.
Your grass (relationship) can also be greener than that of others only if you’re willing to roll up your sleeves and work on it instead of only compare it.
Just like with every other thing in life, the more you invest in something, the higher the chances that it will bear fruit.
7. Refusing to compromise
In every relationship, there are certain things that partners simply don’t agree on and in these cases, there are two possible outcomes: They either agree to disagree and come to a compromise, or they start building walls and focus only on themselves.
When partners refuse to compromise, they basically refuse to acknowledge all the differences between them as individuals.
They don’t accept each other’s different perspectives, wishes, and mindset, which is the number one reason for arguments and withdrawal.
Compromising is a middleman between two people in a relationship and not every single one of us knows how to do it.
We learn to compromise through life in general. And when we don’t have that compromising compartment in our brain activated, it’s hard to really understand the need for it and act accordingly.
It’s hard to understand other people’s needs, wishes, and dreams when we haven’t learned to respect and value it.
And that’s why compromising is of the utmost importance in every relationship out there.
It creates balance, understanding, and acceptance of another human being.
It tells your partner: I understand why you want to do this and even though I have different plans in mind, we can find a middle ground where both of our needs and wishes are met.
8. Trust issues
Trust is one of the most difficult things to establish in a relationship and, at the same time, one of the most important.
If one of the partners or both of them have been hurt in the past, it’s really difficult to trust again.
And with trust comes jealousy.
When we don’t trust our partner, we tend to overthink and imagine all the worst scenarios in the world, and usually for no reason.
When we don’t trust our partner, we slowly but surely start killing our relationship.
The worst is, we’re often not even aware of any of it because we always think that the problem is in our partner, that they are giving us motives to misinterpret their actions, and that the universe is against us.
We think all that just because we’re afraid to lift those blinds that are preventing us from seeing things as they really are.
We’re afraid to trust again out of fear that we’ll get hurt again. But, if we want to be in a healthy relationship, that’s exactly what we need to do.
Both partners need to make an effort and help each other with trust issues, instead of neglect the matter and act as if it’s nothing serious.
9. Assuming wrong things
This one is in close connection with the previous sign and it’s another important factor of a broken relationship.
Assuming the wrong things before asking our partner what is really going on is a real recipe for a disaster.
And this looks like the following:
Your partner doesn’t call you or text you for some time and you assume that something terrible happened to them, that they’re cheating on you, or that they’ve been abducted by aliens.
And the first thing you do is send multiple texts telling them to call you ASAP and explain what is going on, that you will not tolerate their ignorant behavior, that you’re about to break up with them and so on.
And when your partner finally reaches you, you realize that the reason why they haven’t texted or called you back is perfectly valid and that you overreacted because you assumed the worst.
Now imagine the level of stress in this situation for both you and your partner.
Assuming the worst can turn you into a controlling lunatic and make your partner feel pressured to constantly keep you updated on even the stupidest things like going to the store.
When that happens, it’s hard to retrieve the lost balance in a relationship if both partners don’t talk about the real issue behind these assumptions.
10. Lack of respect
Another fundamental part of every happy relationship is respect.
Respecting your partner means respecting their wishes, hobbies, dreams, personality, but it also means respecting their quirks and flaws.
It means respecting them as a unique, imperfect human being who needs some space and time for themselves as well.
One of the biggest mistakes many partners make in a relationship is thinking that the more time they spend with their partner, the stronger their relationship will be.
But, this is not true at all.
Both partners need some space and time for themselves in a relationship so that they can acquire different perspectives, recharge themselves, and maintain their passions, hobbies, and connections with other people outside the relationship.
Both partners need to respect each other’s needs for constant development outside the relationship because that’s the only way to establish a healthy relationship.
When partners don’t respect each other’s need for space and privacy, the relationship becomes a huge burden where you start dreaming about being single again and discarding your broken relationship.
11. Lack of gratitude
If you’re familiar with the law of attraction, then you’ve probably heard about the power of gratitude.
The more grateful we are for the things we have, the more positive things we’ll receive in the future.
Summarized, the more we show gratitude to the universe, the more good things we’ll receive in return.
And where there is a lack of gratitude, there is no space for positive emotions and positive things overall.
The same thing can be applied to relationships as well.
One of the reasons why our relationship fails is due to lack of gratitude.
When we deliberately ignore all the good things that our partner does for us and we refuse to show gratitude, we send them the message that no matter what they do for us, it will still not be good enough.
By not acknowledging their efforts, we diminish them.
And when that happens, our partner is no longer willing to do anything in the relationship because they feel unappreciated.
Lack of gratitude makes them feel confused and unwilling to keep trying in a relationship because there’s no feedback.
Many people only pay attention to what’s bad in a relationship, and neglect all the positive aspects of it because they think that it should be so.
Instead, we should be paying attention to both.
We should be grateful for all the good things, but we should also acknowledge the bad things so that we create the needed balance in the relationship.
12. Arguing over trivial things
Arguing is an inevitable part of every relationship and the difference between healthy relationships and toxic/broken ones is in the type of arguing.
Arguing over things that seem important to both of you is healthy and recommended because building walls and ignoring each other in such situations can be really toxic.
And most importantly, such arguing is occasional.
But, arguing over trivial things becomes a part of the couple’s everyday life and gradually leads to a toxic relationship.
Trivial things like who’s going to the store, when one partner forgets to do something (that’s not really important), arguing over groceries, choice of movie or TV show, or road trip destination can significantly influence the quality of your relationship.
When two partners are constantly annoyed by each other’s words and actions, when they’re not willing to compromise and no longer respect each other, constant arguing becomes a way of dealing with all the frustrations that have accumulated over time.
And gradually, the relationship starts losing its elasticity and initial charm because the more couples are arguing over trivial things, the more they’re destroying their relationship and what they have been building so far.
13. Not doing the things you used to enjoy together
In the beginning of every relationship, doing things together comes naturally to every couple because everything they do, they do it for the first time together, which makes it all the more exciting.
Going to the movies, romantic date nights, long walks at midnight, and even going to the grocery store all fit the category of being fun activities for every couple because as long as two persons are together, it doesn’t really matter what they’re doing.
With time, this initial excitement vanishes, but only if you don’t continue doing things you used to enjoy together.
After repeating the same activities over and over again, many couples become bored of it and start thinking that they no longer enjoy the company of their partner.
When that happens, relationship starts decaying and the only thing that can save it is to spice things up.
Regardless of how many times you repeat certain activities, they can still be equally enticing if you only think of ways to make things interesting.
Use your creativity to incorporate some new elements that will refresh your relationship and remind you why you’ve fallen in love with each other in the first place.
14. Seeking constant validation from your partner
Seeking constant validation from your partner is closely connected with low levels of self-confidence and a measure of neediness.
For example, let’s imagine a couple where the woman is suffering from low self-confidence and the man is the one who’s obliged to constantly give her validation.
So, whichever outfit she tries, the first thing she does is ask her partner, “Do I look nice?” or “Do I look fat in this new dress?”
Even though the woman is probably aware of the fact that she truly looks nice in that outfit, she still has this need to seek validation from her partner because she doesn’t really trust herself.
And when her partner says things like, “Yes, you look okay, honey,” there’s a high possibility that the woman will feel insulted because he didn’t say that she looks awesome or something along those lines.
The same thing applies to the second question.
If a woman assumes that she looks fat in her dress, in 90% of cases it’s true, and asking her partner to lie to her that she doesn’t is another way of seeking validation – or better said – fake validation from her partner.
This is just a banal example, but I’m sure you get the point.
Seeking constant validation from your partner can create huge pressure in a relationship where one partner becomes emotionally too needy and the other pressured to constantly work on finding ways to balance it and make the other feel better about themselves, thus neglecting their own emotional needs.
15. Trying to change each other
The concept of change can be really tricky and hard to understand in relationships.
But, the truth is that every couple comes to the point where they want to change certain things about their partners because they think that when they do so, they’ll be happier.
But, trying to change each other doesn’t necessarily make things better in a relationship.
In fact, the need for a drastic change is just an indication that there is something more serious going on in the background.
When couples just start dating, they embrace each other’s differences and quirks and flaws because these are the reasons why we fall in love with that one specific person.
We don’t fall in love because they’re perfect, but because they’re perfectly imperfect for us.
And, after some time, when we get stuck in a rut, spend too much time together, or get frustrated over other things, we think that the problem is in our partner and our partner thinks that the problem is in us.
And that’s when the game of change begins.
But, the truth is that change comes within ourselves, which means we can never change our partners if they’re not willing to work on themselves.
So, this game of changing each other can only damage your relationship instead of bringing anything good.
16. Holding resentment
Holding resentment is a silent killer of most relationships and many couples don’t pay attention to it.
Now, what does it mean to hold resentment?
It means not being willing to forget or to forgive, which are two essential elements of every healthy relationship.
We all know that there isn’t a perfect relationship and there will be times when both partners will make a mistake.
And when that happens, it’s important to explain the situation, apologize, and convince your partner that you’ll never repeat the same mistake again.
And the other partner’s duty is to forgive them (if it’s something forgivable and if they’re being genuinely sorry for it) instead of holding resentment.
Because holding resentment means creating barriers between you and your partner where you’re not even willing to try to forgive or forget.
Holding resentment means burying tons of toxic words deep down your soul instead of deleting them and making some space for a new beginning.
And when that happens, the relationship starts suffering.
When one person is resentful, the relationship becomes stagnant because it cannot progress due to all the accumulated negativity and toxicity.
It becomes a place of constant arguments, where you no longer feel happy, and where you start thinking about moving on for good.
17. Falling into a rut
Driven by my personal experience and of those close to me, I can say that falling in a rut is one of the most dangerous things in a relationship and also one of the hardest things to fight against.
When you just start dating, there’s not a chance that you’ll fall into a rut because everything’s new, exciting, and you simply can’t get enough of it.
As time progresses, many couples forget that this initial spark will not last forever and if they want to save their relationship and keep it exciting, they have to look for ways to keep their spark alive and maintain passion.
Because of that, they gradually start falling into a rut without even knowing it.
They no longer go on dates or long walks.
They no longer enjoy long cuddling sessions.
They stop showing affection to each other, surprising each other and paying attention to the little things.
Their relationship becomes devoid of all the necessary parts that maintain romance and passion, and prevent falling into a lifeless relationship.
Their relationship becomes broken.
And if you’re wondering how to fix a broken relationship, keep in mind that you need to keep doing things that you used to enjoy together instead of just being couch potatoes, feeling miserable about the whole thing, and barely enjoying any time spent together.
18. Incompatibility in the bedroom
We often talk about all the types of incompatibilities happening on a daily basis in a relationship, but what about incompatibility in the bedroom?
Sometimes, being incompatible in the bedroom is the real cause of a broken relationship, but partners either never reflect on it or refuse to admit it.
You see, not every person enjoys the same things when it comes to intimacy.
Some people are kinkier by nature, while others are more traditional in the bedroom.
This all depends on their personality, taste, and perspective.
Now, imagine two people who want different things in the bedroom in a relationship.
It’s expected that they will be incompatible because one partner will always want more or different things than the other.
And that’s where compromise comes in.
If they don’t compromise, one of the partner’s needs or the needs of both of them won’t be met, which creates discontent and yearning for something else more fulfilling.
19. Lack of attention
When you just start dating, you probably notice the increased level of attention when it comes to listening to each other and making each other feel special.
Again, it’s because everything’s new and you can’t wait to hear all the childhood stories about your partner and all the things that have shaped them into who they are today.
When you’re at the beginning of a relationship, it’s practically impossible for your relationship to suffer from lack of attention, but after some time, partners may lose interest or get occupied with other things and thus start neglecting each other.
They stop listening to each other because they think that they’ve already heard everything or because they lose the need for connection.
And that’s where “lack of attention” syndrome starts kicking in.
Both partners start feeling neglected, unheard, misunderstood, and disrespected.
Lack of attention is a serious destroyer of relationships and that’s why it’s important to acknowledge it on time and make some necessary changes to improve the situation.
Just hugging your partner from behind when they least expect it can do wonders, so you should never underestimate the power of little things and small gestures. Embrace it and make it a part of your everyday life.
And the last, but not least – infidelity.
Cheating in a relationship is by far, one of the most toxic things that can alter a relationship for good.
Now, let’s say that one partner cheated on the other and they apologized for that, swearing that it was a mistake and promising that they’ll never repeat the same mistake again.
And let’s say the other partner accepts it as a mistake and decides to give another chance to their relationship.
What are the chances that their relationship will stay intact and survive all the challenges that come with the consequences of infidelity?
Very low. Once you destroy trust in a relationship, it’s really hard to retrieve it and it’s really hard to continue acting as if nothing happened.
Lack of trust can turn the betrayed partner into a controlling maniac filled with constant fear that they will be betrayed again.
And when that happens, you know the drill: constantly asking about their partner’s whereabouts, arguing about trivial things, stalking their activity on social media, and constantly looking for clues and signs of betrayal.
Now, there’s a possibility that through time all this will disappear, but the chances for that are very low and in some cases mission impossible.
And if you decide to stay in such a relationship, you’ve deliberately decided to stay in a broken relationship even though you yourself are aware of the fact that perhaps nothing will change.
But, no matter the level of brokenness in a relationship, I always repeat the following: “Where there is a will, there is a way.”
If you’ve watched the movie Silver Linings Playbook, then you’re probably familiar with the concept Excelsior.
It means taking all the negativity and using it as fuel that will help you find a silver lining:“You have to do everything you can, you have to work your hardest and if you stay positive, you have a shot at a silver lining.”
The same thing can be applied to a broken relationship or marriage.
Both partners have to be willing to do everything they can, work their hardest and if they stay positive, they have a shot at a silver lining – establishing the balance that will save their relationship/marriage.