I don’t want my husband to touch me anymore.
One of the most dreaded sentences you never thought you’d think, let alone utter. Yet here you are.
You’re probably ashamed of feeling no desire for physical contact and wondering what’s wrong with you.
But having been in a similar situation myself, I can assure you that this is not as unusual as you fear.
When you get married, the physical intimacy and desire for constant affection are at their highest.
All you want to do is hold hands, have date nights, and love your hubby in every way imaginable.
But after years of marriage, this idyllic bubble inevitably bursts, and what you’re left with is reality.
And guess what? That’s perfectly normal – nay, expected!
So if you’ve been struggling with occasional rough patches, mixed emotions, and a lack of self-esteem, I’m here to help.
This is actually not a bad thing. When you choose to acknowledge a problem and attempt to find a solution, that is always a step in the right direction.
Right now, you’re confused and probably saddened to feel this way, which is why I urge you to continue reading.
Below, I reveal what causes a woman to not want to be touched by her husband and how you can overcome this obstacle.
Why Do I Feel No Desire For My Husband’s Touch?
You’re under a huge amount of stress elsewhere in your life
Which makes physical affection the least important thing in your life.
In a way, it’s understandable that you’re feeling overwhelmed, but you also need to learn to separate things.
For example, if your boss is stressing you out at work, or your children are being unruly, it’s important not to let your residual anger from that affect your marriage.
What I do in these situations is let my partner know how I’m feeling and seek a little alone time to work through it. After that, I always feel more refreshed and eager to talk and cuddle.
You’re feeling emotional disconnect in your marriage
Don’t let your parents, in-laws, or any third party affect your marriage in any way.
This feeling might come from people offering unsolicited opinions, which often creates an uncomfortable disconnect.
Ask yourself this: Who’s in this marriage? It’s you and your husband. No one else. So if you’re feeling detached, work it out between yourselves.
It’s not crazy to keep thinking I don’t want my husband to touch me anymore if there are all these issues flying around you.
Luckily, it’s easily solvable. Ignore the outside noise and focus on the two of you.
You’re self-conscious about your body image (common for new moms)
If I had a penny for every time I felt sorry for myself after looking in the mirror, I’d be loaded. And yes, it can 100% affect your desire for physical intimacy.
How can you feel like making love if you can’t stand the way you look? It’s challenging to say the least.
If you’ve recently (or not that recently even) given birth, it’s completely normal to feel disconnected from your own body.
It had just gone through something insane and you’re still coming to terms with it. Give yourself time. If this is what’s bothering you, you’re going to be just fine.
You’re feeling discomfort during intercourse
Don’t be embarrassed if you’ve been feeling any sort of pain or discomfort during intercourse.
This is your husband we’re talking about, you can share it with him.
It’s better to be open about it and help him help you than to secretly be unhappy and miserable. Plus, I’m sure he’d feel awful knowing you didn’t come to him about it.
Partners are there to help each other out. Don’t let a fixable issue affect your intimacy with your hubby!
You’re mentally exhausted
Your mental health is really questionable right now. You’re a full-time mom and wife, and you’re having a hard time balancing all your roles. You’re simply at the end of your wits.
Here’s the deal. If I’m feeling like I don’t want my husband to touch me anymore, I make sure to reevaluate my own well-being.
Is this something on my part or is my partner to blame?
And if I come to the conclusion that my mental exhaustion is making me feel this way, you can bet your booty that I’m going to work on it.
All I can do is suggest the same. Take a load off some days, and let yourself be loved and nurtured. You can’t always be on top of everything.
You’re feeling unappreciated and belittled
You can’t remember the last time your husband took you out and showered you with love and attention.
It’s like all he expects of you is to be a full-time mom and to make love whenever he feels like it.
If there’s an issue around the house, he expects you to fix it and gets mad when you don’t. No wonder you’re feeling this way.
You can’t be expected to want to get busy if you’re so undervalued. He needs to give you the credit you deserve.
You’re secretly holding a grudge that is affecting your intimacy
He’s the one person who can affect your entire mood. And sometimes, his words can really tear your heart apart, but you never tell him, which makes it hard to be intimate.
Don’t let something that happened last year (that you resolved) still live inside your head and mess up your marriage.
If there are old grudges that you haven’t worked out, be sure to let him know. For as long as you keep things bottled up, it’s going to affect your mind, body, and soul.
You’re nervous about your performance
As of late, you’ve been scared that you’re not what your husband needs. Perhaps you’re afraid that he has a porn addiction that makes him look at you in a different light.
You don’t want to jump to conclusions, but he does seem to be into fantasy much more than the real deal, and that makes you feel nervous, to say the least.
The side effects of porn can be severe if he doesn’t work on it. But you need to broach the subject first. If you keep letting him off the hook, things will only worsen.
You dwell on every past and present issue
You’re a dweller. You’ve known this all your life, but you just can’t let stuff go. Every time you attempt to clear your mind, every little issue catches up with you.
Your hubby could be initiating love-making, and in the back of your head, all you can think about is how he didn’t wash the dishes that one time or refused to pick you up on a late night out.
It messes with your head, but you can’t let it go. I know that I don’t even have to say it, but you need to work on this. It’s called compartmentalizing.
Learn to let stuff go and stop poisoning your mind. There will always be something to worry about. Don’t let it overcome you!
You don’t feel heard
If you’re being honest, sometimes you feel like you could scream and no one would hear you. You go through everything alone because you don’t want to stress anyone.
But here’s what happens to people who suffer in silence. Eventually, they burn out. They stop wanting to be intimate with their spouses. And ultimately, happiness evades them.
If you don’t feel heard, that’s on him. But if you never do anything about it, that’s entirely on you.
How Can You Restore Your Desire For Intimacy?
Open up about what’s in your head
First and foremost, improve the levels of communication in your marriage. Everything starts and ends with precisely that.
Communication can be the best thing about your marriage or it could end it. What’s it going to be?
Right now you’re thinking: I don’t want my husband to touch me anymore, and I have no idea why that is.
But at the same time, you’re never going to get to the bottom of it until you open up.
Give your husband a chance to help you out. It takes two to tango and your lack of desire for physical contact bothers him too.
Make it a point to spend quality time together to reconnect
Remember the first time you told him I love you, and all the emotions involving that day, and everything that followed.
Try to get that back. Think back on what drew you to him in the first place.
Focus on all the good sides of your marriage. The way he won you over all those years ago, how he surprised you with a thoughtful gesture for your birthday, and stuff like that.
Make it a point to always have your own time scheduled. No talk about kids, work, issues, or chores. Just two lovebirds getting their groove back.
Separate intimacy time and problem-solving time
Instead of discussing your huge Amazon purchase from yesterday, focus on regaining your intimacy.
There’s a time and place for resolving issues, so don’t let it seep into your “intimacy time.”
Once you find that balance, your desire for foreplay will come back, and cuddle time will become a thing again.
Tell him your biggest turn-ons (you don’t want to hear mine, LOL) and get to work.
Just don’t let that one pesky issue (that’s not a big deal anyhow) prevent you from enjoying the present. You will never be happy for as long as you keep harping on about issues.
Sometimes, you just have to say nope, not today, and go make out with the hubs!
Hold hands and hug more often (it makes all the difference)
After all, your husband is (hopefully) your best friend. Show him that by holding his hand on the way to the grocery store. Hug him whenever you feel like one.
Never give up on being physically intimate because of things that can be worked on.
You’d be surprised the effect a genuine hug from a loved one has on you.
Start small. Hold his hand, lean into him, hug him, and slowly go from there. Regain that spark one day at a time and you might just see how much you’ve missed his touch after all.
Work on your self-confidence individually
If he doesn’t know about your lack of self-esteem, how can he be of service to you? Let him know of your inner struggle and work on getting it under control.
Your self-confidence has everything to do with you. You’re going to have to dig deep to see what’s been holding you back.
Figure out if it’s unfortunate past experiences, bad break-ups, or your superiors at work taking it out on you.
Once you understand the root of the issue, you can start working on it.
Just don’t let your marriage suffer because you’re too afraid to do some much-needed soul-searching.
Stop playing the blame-game and be a united front
At the end of the day, you’re in this together. It’s not you against your husband, but you two against the problem.
That’s one of the biggest things I need you to understand here. You can’t keep pointing fingers at your husband and act like you’re blame-free for every single issue.
There has to be a mutual understanding and willingness to share your part of the blame. That’s the fastest route to getting your intimacy issues resolved.
When I don’t want my husband to touch me anymore, I never let him take all the blame. And rest assured, I do feel that way sometimes.
But if you want to get better, you need to take accountability.
Practice emotional vulnerability
I get it. It’s hard to open up and be vulnerable. Even if it’s your husband. Having been through so many awful and toxic breakups, I fully understand the difficulty of being vulnerable.
But at some point, you have to risk it. You have to believe that he has your best interest at heart. Chances are he does.
Practice being emotionally vulnerable. Let your feelings out in the open and be brave in telling (and showing) him how you feel.
Even if you’re scared and feel like he won’t say it back. Remember, that’s just your mind playing tricks on you.
Your husband loves you and he’d most likely do anything for you. Give him the benefit of the doubt.
Divide house chores equally so as to release your mental load
Personally, this has always been one of my biggest pet peeves. Being expected to be on top of things at home and then desire him intimately as if I hadn’t just scrubbed the bathroom tiles for hours.
But there’s a simple way around this. Make him do his part around the house! It’s so simple.
If there’s something you prefer to do yourself, stick to it and give him the “easy” chores that he can’t mess up.
That way, you’ll be working as a team, and you won’t feel mentally exhausted at the end of the day.
Kind of the perfect situation. don’t you think? It’s his house too. So it’s only natural he does his part in maintaining it.
Don’t be afraid to tell your husband what you like and don’t like in bed
This is the root of many issues in marriages and relationships in general. And I get it.
It’s awkward telling someone that what they’re doing just isn’t cutting it for you.
But talking about this stuff is where the real intimacy lies. Who are you going to tell something like this if not your husband?
This isn’t your first time with him, so stop acting like it. You’ve been at it for probably a number of years, so you have to learn how to discuss these things with him.
And I promise you that he’d be crushed knowing that you’re unhappy with your intimate life and you never told him.
So open up about what you like and revive that spark that you know is still there.
Instead of resorting to emotional affairs and the fantasy world, enjoy the real thing with the help of a simple conversation.
Seek the help of a therapist
Ultimately, if you find that you can’t find a solution between yourselves, it’s time to seek the help of a licensed professional.
It’s important that you feel no shame about coming to the conclusion that you need help.
You’d be surprised how many married couples see a therapist on a regular basis. They simply don’t broadcast it!
So instead of fearing this step, embrace it and see it as a blessing in disguise.
They are going to help you find healthy ways to communicate and lead you to a path toward regaining your intimacy.
And my guess is, after a few visits, you’ll realize what a game-changer this is.
Because a therapist will merely help you see that you can work this out with a little nudge in the right direction.
Is Your Marriage Worth Saving?
When you focus too much on thinking: I don’t want my husband to touch me anymore, instead of trying to find reasons and solutions, you’re not giving your marriage a fair shot.
Do you still love your husband? Do you still want to be married to him?
Is it unfathomable to be with someone else? If the answer to these is yes, then don’t give up.
Sure, you’ve hit a rough patch, but I’m certain that this isn’t the first obstacle you’ve ever encountered.
Life is utterly unpredictable. While today you’re feeling on top of the world, tomorrow you may experience an ultimate low.
Since you can’t predict what tomorrow holds, all you can focus on is today. So, how can you work on your intimacy issues and broach this subject with your hubby?
Never settle for misery and dwell on issues that can be solved. No marriage is perfect and no relationship is without its ups and downs.
If you want something, you need to show a willingness to fight for it.
I can’t be the one to tell you with 100% certainty whether your marriage is worth saving. That is something you know deep within. All I can give you is my genuine advice.
But I hope with all my heart that you’ve taken this seriously and that you’ll work on this both individually and as a couple.
If there is still love on both parts, then there is no doubt that you owe it to each other to stay true to your vows.