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I Gave You More Than You Deserved, Now It’s Time To Put Myself First

I Gave You More Than You Deserved, Now It’s Time To Put Myself First

How could you not see how hard I was trying for you? How could you stay indifferent to the things I did for you? How could you put me last when all I did was put you first?

How could you not see you were all that I wanted?

For so long I was dying just to make you happy. Now when I look back I see that there isn’t a thing I wouldn’t have done, a thing I didn’t do, just to make you satisfied.

I was always there for you.

I was your 2am and your 2pm call. I was the one who’d always answer your calls even if you ignored all of mine, I was always the one to respond immediately to your text even if you left me on read.

You always came first, before me, before anyone else.

It was always about what you needed. Other people’s needs were never relevant. You expected me to show up each time you needed me and, as silly as I was, I would drop everything and run to save you. What mattered was that you were okay, I’d make things work for me eventually, as long as you were happy.

For so long I was setting myself on fire just to keep you warm.

I neglected myself, my needs, I was an emotional wreck and I still gave you pieces of myself so you’d be whole.

They say the way you treat yourself sets the standard for others. And I made it clear that you came first, even at the cost of my life. God, I was so in love with you, I was so blinded by my feelings, I felt like my entire world was spinning around one person and that person was you.

Regardless of how many times you left, I’d always take you back with my arms wide-spread. Regardless of how much you hurt me, I’d always find a way to justify your actions. Regardless of how broken I was, I always found the strength to fight for you and save you. But only this far.

I got worn out. I got tired. I ended up being empty-handed. I literally gave you all of myself until I had nothing left.

This torture went on and on. This is exactly what happens to the good girls who don’t pay attention to whom they give their heart. They get broken. I got broken.

I just can’t do this anymore. I can’t pretend I’m fine when the love that should build me up just tears me down. I can’t keep giving myself to you and investing in us while, on the other side of the table, you do nothing. This isn’t how these things work.

I just want to be able to fall asleep when I close my eyes. I want all this to be a nightmare and when I wake up, I’ll wake up in a world where you love me back. I’ll wake up in a world where I’m not in love with the most selfish man in this world, I’ll wake up in a world in which my efforts will be seen, where I’ll be cherished and put first for a change. But I know I’m wide awake. I know that I need to stop dreaming that you’ll change and that my love will make you want to be a better man. You are who you are. That ship had sailed a long time ago.

You know, after a few days (perhaps even weeks) of radio silence and me ignoring my friend’s calls and messages, she showed up at my door and almost crushed it by banging on it. When I finally opened it, she asked me just one question: How long are you going to do this to yourself?

One simple question and I know there were so many other hidden questions in it. How long will I keep putting others first? How long will I keep falling for people I know I shouldn’t? How long will I keep treating others better than I treat myself? How long will I continue giving everything when I know I am not gonna get anything in return? How long will I let others keep breaking me over and over again?

She said: “You can’t keep pouring from an empty cup. Take care of yourself first.” And so I say enough is enough.

I’m done. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep giving my life and my best days to people who don’t appreciate it.

I gave you more than you deserved and even that couldn’t make you feel grateful. Even that couldn’t make you want to be a better man. You don’t do good things, you’re addicted to pain and I’m finally ready to throw in the towel. The time has come for me to turn the tables and be selfish for a change.

The time has come to put myself first. Say what you like but now I know it’s not selfishness, it’s a necessity. I need to cut toxic people and parasites out of my life. I need to stop bending over backward for people who wouldn’t lift a finger for me. I need to stop being there for people who are never there for me. It’s time for me to leave you to deal with your own mess and save myself.

Someone will do for me as much as I did for you. Someone will love me so unconditionally and so effortlessly like I loved you. Someone will appreciate everything I do for him. It’s time to admit that someone is not you and that I’ve just been wasting my time with you.

From now on, I’m done chasing love. I’m determined to love myself when you’re obviously not willing to do that. It’s time to admit you aren’t ready to take my hand, it’s time to put my hands in my pockets and continue walking on my own. It’s time to put myself first and stop feeling guilty for doing what’s best for me. And the best thing I can do now is walk away from you.