Most people aren’t comfortable hearing this, but someone’s gotta say it: Marriage isn’t for everyone.
And while I’m at it, I’ll say this too: It’s possible to disconnect with your partner and lose the love you had at the beginning to the point where you’ll think to yourself, “I hate my wife”.
It sounds scary. It sounds like something you shouldn’t have thought. However, the reality is that’s how you really feel.
Marriage can be frustrating in so many ways. There are so many factors that can contribute to the breakup of a marriage.
Maybe you drifted away and don’t feel close to your spouse anymore, maybe there was a specific event that changed your relationship forever, maybe you’re dissatisfied with the intimacy (or lack thereof) or maybe you feel like your partner doesn’t support you.
All of these things can be valid reasons for you to feel strong negative feelings towards your spouse.
If you feel deeply unhappy in your marriage, something must be changed. But before that, you need to be sure about what you feel exactly and why you feel that way.
Ask yourself about which needs aren’t being met. What frustrates you the most about your relationship? What triggers your anger, sadness, or disgust?
Before doing anything that’s going to drastically change your life, you must be sure that’s what you really want and that it’s not something you want because you feel cornered in the particular phase of life you’re in.
Often, the things we consider irreparable can be fixed and changed.
To better understand why this happens, we must take a closer look at the common and possible reasons for this emotional state.
At the start of a relationship, both parties are on their best behavior to impress their significant other and show off their good qualities.
However, after they get married, things change because they start to see each other’s real personalities.
This is normal and expected. However, if you notice a drastic change that makes you question your decision to marry this person, something must be wrong.
For example, if your wife constantly asks for reports about where you are going or who’s in your company, calls you all the time, or makes you very uncomfortable and shows an alarming lack of trust – that’s a sign of a controlling wife.
Maybe she forbids you to do things that shouldn’t be her concern, or she’s very defensive and doesn’t acknowledge her own mistakes.
A common problem is the “I’m always right” attitude that doesn’t seem to change over time.
A lot of men find this problem difficult to handle because it is very emasculating.
In short, it can often appear as though the woman is adopting some traditionally male traits and therefore, by default, is stripping her husband of those very same traits.
Why does this happen so often? The truth is, not every case is the same.
Sometimes, it’s just her personality and at first, the partner didn’t mind but other times it’s a consequence of the way the couple lives.
For example, many women have jobs and at the same time, they’re the ones who do the housework and are usually the ones who give more attention to the children.
Naturally, this puts a lot of responsibility on their shoulders and they feel like they’re in charge of everything.
This often leads to a feeling of resentment towards the husband who doesn’t see that their help is needed. This often creates the scenario of a controlling wife.
However, there are instances when women are just stubborn, controlling, and/or ruthless in their stance and don’t show signs they’ll change.
This creates a feeling of desperation and confinement in a man.
See also: 12 Signs Of A Controlling Woman
Disrespect and ungratefulness
Your spouse should be your best friend.
Nevertheless, when it comes to moments when you feel disrespected it’s hard not to ask yourself why they liked you in the first place, or what you liked about them.
If all your efforts and attempts to make things better are disrespected, ridiculed, or taken for granted it’s hard to stay motivated to fix things.
In many cases, men feel as though they give a lot to their wives, such as financial contributions and acts of service, but it seems to go unnoticed.
Their wives act ungrateful and do nothing in return in the eyes of their husbands and that makes them feel disrespected.
No true and loving relationship can survive without respect. Respect is one of the most important things when it comes to stable and healthy relationships.
Without respect, there is simply no love.
If you feel this way, try talking to your wife without accusing her. The best way to handle things is with honest, heart-to-heart conversation.
If that isn’t possible then it’s pointless to stay in a relationship.
Lack of intimacy
There are many reasons for a disconnection developing between spouses but this is the big one. A healthy sex life is very important for a happy marriage. Why?
Human beings need physical touch to feel closer and connected to someone else, to have more understanding, compassion, and love for them.
This is indeed, very often, different for men and women. Most men and women view intercourse differently.
The thing is, women find things surrounding the act more important than the act itself. Before it happens they want to feel connected to their partner and feel comfortable and loved.
For men, the act IS the connection. That’s when they feel the most while women need to feel beforehand to enjoy the act at all.
While this isn’t true for every woman, most women have more imagination than men and their desire is based on the amount of emotion, anticipation, and desire they feel towards the person or act.
Understandably, this desire often wanes during mundane everyday life and relationships become boring.
However, with some effort, it can be stimulated and inspired again.
Nevertheless, if you feel as though the intimacy between you and your wife is simply non-existent and that this is irreversible, then this might be a bigger issue.
Many men feel angry and resent their wives when it comes to withholding sex and many of them never talk about it openly or in the right manner.
That’s why it’s important to say how you feel about something and to listen to why the other person feels the way they do.
It’s better to do it sooner than later because once it festers the damage is done.
Do you miss the person your wife used to be? Do you miss the fun you used to have? This happens to a lot of couples.
The person you wanted to be with for the rest of your life isn’t there anymore.
People simply change through the course of their lives and this happens for several reasons.
It’s known that most people become “less fun” as they age. They take fewer risks and don’t have the same energy as they did when they were young.
They also stop putting in effort and adopt the “minding my own business” attitude and that’s not the right attitude for a successful marriage or relationships in general.
Aside from that, it’s common for many people to give up on their personal goals once they’re in a relationship.
This leads to dissatisfaction and a tendency to stick to the status quo.
Probably the most prevalent problem in many marriages is the absence of emotional connection that comes from a lack of vulnerability, trust, and patience.
This leads to stagnation and no objectives. There are no mutual goals that would keep things exciting and no vulnerability to keep you close.
You probably feel as though you’re wasting your life and find yourself imagining all the things you could do if it wasn’t for your wife and your boring life.
Unfortunately, the emotional life of a man is somewhat misunderstood.
That’s mostly because of all the hurtful stereotypes surrounding men and how they should or shouldn’t behave.
Most men are expected not to show emotions and to man up. This is why they end up bottling their emotions and feeling deprived of the intimacy and care that they actually desire.
Hurt feelings, disappointments, and neglect happen without the wife even noticing.
It’s not unusual for men to feel neglected after the arrival of a baby.
Young mothers naturally shift their attention to the baby and provide it with care and attention. This often means less attention for their husbands.
The truth is, a lot of mothers, can’t even get time for themselves and that’s exhausting.
Understandably, men get neglected but it’s also understandable that they can feel hurt and unable to communicate their feelings in fear that they will be accused of a variety of things.
When neglect happens, besides this particular situation, and it happens over and over again, it’s normal to ask yourself if what you have is a relationship at all.
After all, marriage is a commitment to take care of someone else and make each other’s lives easier.
If you experience constant neglect, that means the other person doesn’t care for your well-being which is a solid base for considering a breakup.
There’s a lot of men who feel as though their wives don’t do their share of responsibilities, especially when they’re the only providers.
They feel disrespected and used when their wives are lazy, e.g. don’t cook, clean, take care of the household, etc.
This dynamic inevitably leads to ruining the relationship. When one person is always slacking and the other is putting in the extra effort, there will be frustration and strong feelings of resentment.
It’s understandable that one party feels frustrated when the other one doesn’t put in equal amounts of time and energy because that’s marriage – putting in effort to make life easier and more comfortable for each other.
If you have tried everything to make your spouse aware of these problems and nothing has changed after that, your spouse is probably selfish and is being disrespectful.
Unfortunately, there are cases when infidelity happens and this changes a relationship forever.
It’s definitely one of the moments or maybe the very first moment when you thought, “I hate my wife”.
The number one reason for forgiving infidelity, especially if it was a one night stand, and giving a spouse a second chance is children.
However, these reasons alone are usually not enough for a cheated partner to truly forgive and make peace with the fact that their trust has been broken.
After the affair, there’s often a lot of resentment, passive aggression, and blaming.
Sometimes, it’s better to rather just go your separate ways than to keep hurting each other and staying in a toxic environment for the kids.
Kids are capable of understanding that something’s wrong and they will be affected if you stay together in a loveless marriage, anyway.
Emotional abuse comes in a variety of forms.
The most common and easily ignored, but alarming ways are: belittling, insulting, and humiliating at home, and in front of other people.
It includes constant blaming and lying, threats, and punishments.
The problem with abuse of men by women is that it’s often not taken seriously by most people, and unfortunately, the man himself often minimizes or ignores the abuse.
Internally, he feels abused and hurt, but he’s too ashamed to admit it because of societal pressure and not wanting to sound like less of a man.
Emotional and any kind of abuse towards men is a very serious issue that should be addressed and talked about more frequently.
There’s not enough information about it and it’s still heavily ridiculed by a society that leaves many men who experience this kind of treatment alone, isolated, hurt, and misunderstood.
No act of abuse or violence should be tolerated anywhere and especially not in a marriage.
Dissatisfaction with yourself
In some cases, people project dissatisfaction with themselves and their own life onto their partner because it helps them feel less guilty.
Sometimes, we have to stop and ask ourselves: Is it that our life sucks because of someone else’s doing or because of our own lethargy and unwillingness to change?
It’s easier to blame someone else or circumstances. The path of resentment towards others usually starts because we have resentment towards ourselves in the first place.
If you feel unhappy for a long period of time with no signs of getting out of that state of mind, maybe it’s a good idea to seek professional help.
If you only think negative things about your life it can imply some kind of serious emotional imbalance.
Psychologists can bring a lot of clarity about things in your life, including the core source of dissatisfaction and problems with your wife.
A lot of people don’t think of their mental health as a serious issue that can be easily treated but stay firm in their beliefs and refuse help because of a number of external pressures.
What to do?
Even happy marriages have their dark phases. It’s not uncommon for partners to hate each other from time to time.
It’s often said that the distance between “I love you” and “I hate you” is shorter than it seems.
Intimate relationships are very challenging and they bring out the best and worst in people. That’s not surprising because where there’s vulnerability – there’s also intensity.
However, when things get out of control and you start to strongly and persistently feel negative emotions towards your spouse there are only a few things you can do about it:
Try to fix it
Before giving up on your marriage you should try to fix it. Divorce and everything that comes with it is extremely tiring and often complicated and emotionally crushing.
Many couples reconcile in the process of divorce or regret divorcing their spouse.
Before you definitely decide to leave your spouse, try marriage counseling, visiting a mental health professional, or going to a family therapist.
Try to regain the mutual respect you had with your wife at the beginning and think about all the little things that drew you to her in the first place.
Try honest communication, or doing something special and out of ordinary, something to remind her of how it was the first time you met and fell in love with each other.
It could be a date night or a present that you know she’s going to like.
Put in the effort and try do something fun together.
Both of you still have that same part of yourself that you first loved about each other, it just needs a good dusting.
Retreat for a while
When was the last time you’ve taken time for yourself? Even in the healthiest marriages, couples need some personal time and space.
Do you have your own hobbies and interests? Do you feel good about yourself separate from your wife?
Depending on your answer, it could be a good idea to spend some time apart from your wife but ONLY with a very clear and defined explanation of what that means.
Sometimes “the break” is what brings the couple closer together and sometimes it’s what determines their end.
Either way, it’s useful for getting clarity about what you really want and feel.
Ask yourself these questions
a) Have you been clear about your concerns regarding the marriage with your spouse?
It’s important to make clear what bothers you in your marriage, how it makes you feel, and why you can’t tolerate it anymore.
b) Is there ANY way to make your marriage work? What is it?
Is there something that would make you change your mind or the way you see your partner? Do you think it’s possible to do it if your partner shows interest?
c) Would you truly be happier living without your spouse?
Imagine your life without your wife. Would you feel relief?
Think about all the details she takes care of and all the things she does in the household and with your kids that you don’t.
Are you ready to take on those responsibilities once you’re separated?
d) Why are you afraid to end the relationship?
What’s stopping you from filing for divorce now? Is it the kids or finances?
Maybe you still feel something for your wife. Think about it once again and then make a decision.
e) Are you financially ready for divorce?
This question is self-explanatory and very important for practical reasons. You should be aware that divorce can complicate life for many different reasons.
File for divorce
If none of the other things work out for you and you can still say, “I hate my wife” without feeling bad about it, then you should consider divorce and going your separate ways.
There’s no point in living in an unhappy marriage. It makes both partners miserable and continues to disappoint them.
Before taking this step, you should consult with a divorce lawyer to get an idea of what the divorce process looks like because many people aren’t aware of all the details and possibilities.
No relationship is the same. We’re all influenced by our circumstances and everything that life has put us through.
Sometimes there’s a strong influence from our parents who went through similar situations and that often subconsciously shapes our views of marriage too.
Maybe you have already noticed the same pattern of behavior.
Some people are capable of dealing with certain problems better than others, but that doesn’t mean you’re failing at something. It means your story and your needs are different.
Maybe you made a choice that you now consider to be the wrong choice. Unfortunately, whatever was done in the past can’t be changed.
You can only change your present and hope for a better future.
If you decide to take a step further and end things, in most cases, difficult times are inevitable in most cases, but after that, you’ll start to feel better and start your life anew.
To say, “I hate my wife” is a strong statement and it shouldn’t be taken lightly. Hate doesn’t simply happen in one moment and then disappear in another.
Hate is something that takes years to develop, years of negative feelings that have been pushed under the rug.
It’s extremely hard to live a normal life with someone you feel this strongly about.
If you’re at that point, it means that a certain limit has been reached and there’s probably no way back.
In the end, it’s all up to you. It’s about what you feel, think, and are willing to do.
It’s never too late to change your life and become a happier person, even if that means leaving your spouse for good.