Cause, sintomi e trattamento dell'ansia relazionale

What if you constantly question your seemingly perfect relationship? What if you’re looking for flaws, and assuming that things will fall apart any second, even though you have no valid reason for those thoughts?

Is it your gut telling you that something is wrong? Or, could it be that you’re suffering from relationship anxiety?

If you’re facing this doubt, you’ve come to the right place. You’re about to get all the info you need, starting with the definition of this condition, proceeding with its symptoms and causes, and finally, ending with the right treatment.

Che cos'è l'ansia da relazione?

Secondo Karla Ivankovich, Ph.D., l'ansia da relazione è "quando una o entrambe le persone nella relazione passano più tempo a pensare ansiosamente alla relazione che a occuparsi della relazione stessa.”

Basically, it’s connected with over-worrying and overthinking your romance. It’s the situation when you question, analyze, and doubt every aspect of your relationship.

Che cos'è il disturbo ossessivo-compulsivo da relazione?

Disturbo ossessivo-compulsivo relazionale is “un sottotipo di disturbo ossessivo compulsivo caratterizzato da continui pensieri intrusivi e comportamenti compulsivi legati all'incertezza di una relazione.”

If you’re not an expert on the matter, these two terms sound pretty much the same. Well, they’re not.

In poche parole, la differenza fondamentale sta nei pensieri intrusivi e nelle reazioni compulsive che la R-OCD comporta. In sostanza, una persona con ansia da incontri si preoccupano e si ossessionano per qualcosa che li preoccupa nella loro relazione. Allo stesso tempo, una persona che soffre di R-OCD passerà mesi o addirittura anni ad essere ossessionata da quella stessa cosa.

8 segni di ansia da relazione

We’re all guilty of allowing the following thought patterns to get the best of us from time to time. But, how can you know if you’re dealing with relationship anxiety or whether these are just temporary doubts?

Well, let’s take Disturbo d'ansia generalizzato as a reference. According to experts, it’s safe to say that a person suffers from generalized anxiety disorder if their excessive and chronic worrying lasts at least six months.

So, if you can’t get rid of the following symptoms for half a year or more, it’s safe to say that you’re suffering from dating anxiety.

1. Pensare troppo alla propria relazione.

Vi siete mai sorpresi a ripensare letteralmente a ogni parola detta dal vostro partner? Hanno davvero pensato a ciò che hanno detto?

Oppure, stavano giocando? Vi hanno detto che vi amano abbastanza volte oggi? Se lo hanno fatto, lo pensavano davvero? O l'hanno detto solo per tranquillizzarvi?

Si entra persino nei dettagli del tono della loro voce. Se vi chiamano per nome, qualcosa non va.

And, l won’t even go into the ways you analyze every move they make.

Didn’t they look at you weirdly this morning right after they woke up? Isn’t that sign enough that they no longer find you attractive?

If they don’t pick up their phone the instant you call, hell will break loose.

You don’t have to necessarily tell them anything about your doubts. Nevertheless, I’m sure you’ll spend the rest of your day thinking about them.

Le opzioni sono praticamente infinite. Forse si sono stancati di voi. Forse they’re being unfaithful. Forse avete fatto qualcosa che li ha fatti arrabbiare.

Tutto questo vi suona familiare? Se la risposta è sì, avete sicuramente uno dei primi sintomi del disturbo d'ansia da relazione.

You’re simply incapable of letting things be. You have to dissect every little thing in your relationship.

You analyze everything to the core. And, do you know what’s the worst part? You’re never happy with the conclusion.

2. Doubting your partner’s feelings.

It’s perfectly normal to doubt the other person’s intentions and emotions when they’re clearly playing with you. You have a boyfriend or a girlfriend who keeps on sending you mixed signals, doesn’t want to put a label on your relationship, or plays hot and cold games.

In that case, it’s natural that you don’t know where you stand.

Ma che dire del sentirsi così in un relazione sana? In questo caso, abbiamo un problema.

If you look at your romantic relationship from the outside, there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. You have no reason to question your partner’s fidelity, feelings, or intentions about you.

Truth be told, they never did anything to make you doubt them. Besides, you’ve been together for a pretty long time now.

Dovreste dubitare di loro?

Let’s look at things realistically: why would they spend years next to someone they don’t give a damn about?

Yes, this is exactly what your mind is telling you. Nevertheless, you can’t seem to chase your negative thoughts away either.

No matter how great they’re treating you, the truth is that you expect them to break up with you every second.

Puoi divertirti come un matto, ma poi, all'improvviso, ti chiedi se ti amano davvero. In that case, you’re probably struggling with relationship OCD, characterized by intrusive thoughts.

And, the nightmare doesn’t stop there.

Probabilmente continuate a chiedere al vostro partner se si è disinnamorato di voi, quanto vi ama e se continuerebbe ad amarvi anche se rimaneste paralizzati o qualcosa del genere.

Si entra negli scenari più oscuri possibili e si chiede loro se troverebbero un'altra persona se tu morissi, e cose del genere.

Acting out when you don’t get the response you expect is nothing unusual either. You have trouble controlling your emotions as much as you try to.

Let me break it to you: all of these questions annoy the hell out of them. They just want you to realize that they wouldn’t have stuck around if they didn’t love you, period.

3. Aspettarsi il peggior risultato possibile.

Everything will fall apart sooner or later. Your partner will break up with you; they’re just waiting for the perfect opportunity to do so.

They’ll understand that you’re easily replaceable, and they’ll find someone better. They’ll break your heart into pieces and leave you crushed. You’ll never find a new relationship, and you’ll die alone and miserable.

This is your thought pattern… I can bet my life on it. Non vedete mai il lato positivo delle cose e vi aspettate sempre il peggior risultato possibile.

It’s like this with little things as well. If you two get in the middle of a silliest fight, you expect it to be the end of your long-term relationship.

If your SO listens to a sad song, you assume they’re reminiscing about their past relationship.

I know what you’re about to tell me. You’re preparing yourself for the darkest scenario so you don’t get too shocked if it really happens. And, if things turn out to be good, never mind… you’ll just welcome them openhandedly.

But, honey, trust me that this is not the way to protect your heart from getting broken. You’re torturing yourself with this negative thinking while you could be enjoying life.

4. Paura del rifiuto e dell'abbandono.

What’s the worst possible thing that could happen to those who experience relationship anxiety? Essere abbandonati or rejected, that’s right.

I’m not talking about intimate relationships here only. Whether you like to admit it or not, you get a panic attack when you picture a loved one walking away from you.

Ma, ovviamente, questi sentimenti di ansia si fanno sentire di più quando si pensa che il proprio compagno ti abbandoni.

Pensate che sarebbe la fine del mondo. La vostra vita diventerebbe improvvisamente inutile e tutto il resto perderebbe significato.

And, the worst part is that you have no real reason to think that way. You’re just terrified of that idea.

But, hey, let’s dig into that fear a little deeper. What if they really do? What if they leave you?

Moriresti? Sarebbe la tua fine?

I promise you that you’ll survive. Yes, you’d probably have a hard time getting over them, but trust me, you would keep on living.

5. Autosabotaggio.

People who sabotage themselves are subconsciously ruining their romantic relationships. You’re probably not even aware of doing this, but if you’re guilty of self-sabotage, you’ll put walls around you.

Basically, you’re not allowing yourself to be vulnerable in your relationship. Exposing your true emotions and letting the other person in all the way means giving them the opportunity to hurt you.

And, that’s the last thing you’re ready to do. So, you put up barriers and don’t become overly intimate with the other person.

Of course, I’m not talking about physical intimacy here. I’m talking about the fact that you don’t share your true feelings, fears, and hopes in order to keep them out.

Un altro modo comune in cui le persone che soffrono di ansia da relazione si sabotano è quello di interrompere la relazione di punto in bianco.

Basically, you leave your partner at the first sign of trouble. Do you do it because you think your relationship isn’t worth fighting for? Or, is it because you think you should have never started dating them in the first place?

No. You do it so they don’t have the chance to break up with you first. When that happens, you create a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You knew things would end anyhow, didn’t you? Well, this proves that you were right all along.

6. Problemi di fiducia profondamente radicati.

Si può essere felici, relazione impegnata that lasts for years without any special turmoil; however, regardless of this, you don’t trust your partner.

You don’t think they’re faithful, even though you’ve never found any evidence to prove your point. You don’t think they’re telling the truth, even though you’ve never caught them lying.

You’re convinced that they’re not being honest about their previous relationships, and you don’t believe they love you.

On the contrary, you think they’re just waiting for the perfect opportunity to backstab you and ruin your life once and for all.

Controllate ossessivamente i loro social media, sfruttate ogni occasione per frugare nel loro telefono e ricontrollate tutto ciò che vi dicono. La vostra gelosia possessiva si ripercuote sulla vostra salute mentale e sulla vostra relazione.

Se questo è il caso, è chiaro che avete dei seri problemi di fiducia su cui dovete iniziare a lavorare subito. Essere prudenti è una cosa, ma vivere con questa paranoia è completamente diverso.

7. Codipendenza emotiva.

The harsh truth is that you don’t love your partner in a healthy way. You’re actually addicted to them and to your relationship.

How can you test this? Well, you’re certain that the end of your romance would mean your spiritual death.

You’re so clingy that you can’t stand being away from your SO for a minute. If it were up to you, you two would spend literally every moment of your day together.

When you get into an argument, you get into a real crisis. You can’t breathe and you can’t think straight.

You feel that you need this person like you need air to breathe. You’re lost without them, and you’re ready to do whatever it takes to keep them around.

Ma non è finita qui. They’re the only ones who have the power to dictate your entire mood and wellness.

Everything could be going great in your life, but if you’re not on good terms with your partner, you have no will to live. On the other hand, if things are good in your relationship, the entire world could collapse right in front of you. But, guess what: you wouldn’t give a damn.

La vostra autostima dipende completamente dalla loro convalida. Se si complimentano con il vostro aspetto o con i vostri risultati, la vostra autostima sale alle stelle. Se invece vi criticano per qualcosa, vi sentite immediatamente il più grande fallimento del mondo.

Well, my dear, that means that you’re emotivamente dipendente su questa persona.

8. Fobia dell'impegno.

Most will assume that commitment is a must for those who are suffering from relationship anxiety. Surprise, surprise, but things don’t always go in that direction.

In realtà, molte persone ansiose sono terrorizzate dalle relazioni impegnate. In realtà, hanno una condizione chiamata fobia dell'impegno.

You’re not afraid of someone limiting your freedom or taking your independence away. You’re scared of getting overly exposed when things become too serious.

E se vi innamorate? E se iniziate ad amare quella persona più di quanto amiate voi stessi? E se le cose vanno male? E se la perdete dopo che vi siete abituati alla sua presenza?

You think it’s better to keep things casual. That way, you won’t get too attached, and you will face a smaller risk of getting your heart broken.

Besides, you can’t lose what you don’t have, can you?

4 cause dell'ansia da appuntamento.

Non tutti hanno gli stessi sintomi di ansia da relazione. E nessuno lo ha per lo stesso motivo. Ecco le possibili cause di questa condizione.

1. Stile di attaccamento ansioso non sano.

In parole povere, lo stile di attaccamento descrive il modo in cui ci si relaziona con le altre persone. Pertanto, uno stile di attaccamento non sano può essere una delle cause principali di questo tipo di ansia.

Questi stili di legame possono essere ricondotti al tipo di attaccamento che si aveva con il proprio genitore o con il proprio caregiver primario da bambini.

If you developed an anxious attachment style, then you’ve had unpredictable parents who didn’t meet your emotional needs. They behaved inconsistently in a way that they loved you at one point, but then neglected you the very next moment.

It’s easy to develop trust issues and fear of abandonment in this kind of environment. You’re incapable of being alone, and you’re emotionally dependent on your partner, which brings you to relationship anxiety.

An avoidant attachment style is typical for children whose emotional needs aren’t met. These people have trouble opening up, talking about their feelings, and committing.

D'altro canto, esiste uno stile di attaccamento sicuro. In questo caso, i genitori danno conforto ai figli e allo stesso tempo ne incoraggiano l'indipendenza.

Le persone con uno stile di attaccamento sicuro sviluppano raramente l'ansia sociale, hanno un'alta autostima e, in fin dei conti, hanno maggiori possibilità di costruire storie d'amore felici.

2. Precedenti negligenze o abusi.

Che vi piaccia o no, tutti ci portiamo dietro il nostro bagaglio emotivo. Le relazioni precedenti hanno un impatto più forte di quanto si possa pensare sulla nuova relazione.

Yes, I’m primarily talking about intimate relationships here. Nevertheless, sometimes, you have to dig deeper and go back to the first relationship you ever had: the one with your caregiver.

Se vi siete sentiti non amati, non desiderati e trascurati emotivamente in una qualsiasi delle vostre relazioni passate, avete maggiori possibilità di sviluppare l'ansia da relazione.

Vi aspettate che ogni relazione che intraprendete finisca come quella precedente. I flashback del passato scatenano i vostri pensieri ansiosi.

Cercate le bandiere rosse nella vostra relazione attuale, in modo da poter scappare prima che si arrivi all'abbandono o all'abuso. Your negative thoughts are there because you’re terrified of history repeating itself.

As painful as this is to hear, the truth is that you’re used to getting abandoned. It’s the only scenario you’re familiar with, so it’s no wonder you expect it all the time.

3. Tendenza a pensare troppo.

Overthinking is in your blood. You don’t analyze your relationship only; you’re pretty much the same about everything in life.

No matter what you’re going through, you always expect the worst. Pessimism overwhelms you, and you don’t remember the last time your negative thoughts weren’t haunting you.

L'eccesso di pensiero fa parte della vostra personalità e, ovviamente, lo trasferite anche alle vostre relazioni sentimentali. Pensate troppo, amate troppo e vi preoccupate troppo per tutto, figuriamoci per una cosa così importante.

4. Problemi di autostima.

Finally, problems with low self-esteem can be one of the things that cause your relationship anxiety. For whatever reason, you think that you’re not good enough.

Your sense of self-worth is distorted. You don’t think you deserve anyone’s love and attention.

Consequently, you wonder why your romantic partner would stay by your side. If you don’t see yourself as attractive, intelligent, interesting, and valuable, how can you expect them to think that of you?

Pensate che tutti vi vedano con i vostri occhi.

Basically, the relationship you have with yourself is not a quality one. Therefore, it’s impossible to develop a healthy relationship with anyone else.

Come posso fermare l'ansia da relazione?

Se volete guarire dall'ansia nel modo più sano possibile, dovete seguire questi passaggi:

1. Identificare la causa principale.

The first thing you must do is figure out what’s the cause of this issue you’re struggling with.

È il vostro stile di attaccamento? È il vostro bagaglio emotivo? È il vostro autosabotaggio e la profezia che si autoavvera? Oppure, è la vostra bassa autostima?

You can’t work on resolving your problem until you get to the bottom of it.

Analizzate ognuna delle cause sopra citate e vedete quale è quella a cui vi riferite di più. Dopo aver fatto ciò, concentratevi sulla risoluzione di quel problema prima di ogni altra cosa.

2. Esercitate le vostre capacità di comunicazione.

The next step is to work on your communication skills. I’m not talking about learning how to talk to your partner in a healthy way only.

Primarily, I’m asking you to learn how to talk to yourself. Learn how to admit your emotions to yourself, and most importantly, learn how not to judge yourself for feeling something.

When it comes to your SO, what matters is to tell them what you’re dealing with. Don’t be ashamed to name your problem and to talk about the signs of relationship anxiety you experience.

I’m not advising you to talk about this on the first date. After all, it’s quite an intimate matter, and you shouldn’t open yourself up that much to this new person you’ve just met.

Tuttavia, if you’re in a serious relationship, it’s something to discuss with your partner. Fear not… I promise that you won’t chase them away.

On the contrary, they’ll be relieved once they finally understand what’s behind some of your behavior patterns.

3. Imparare a controllare le emozioni.

Raramente qualcuno riesce a prendere il pieno controllo delle proprie emozioni e smettere di lasciare che le cose li disturbino. We’re human beings, not robots.

However, it would be good if you could evolve to the point where they don’t control you either. The trick is to learn how to look past the emotion you have at this point.

I’ll give you an example. Just because you’re angry at your partner at this moment doesn’t make your entire relationship worthless.

You shouldn’t allow that negativity to overwhelm you, especially not to the point where you forget all the good things you share outside of this situation.

Il modo migliore per evitare che le cose ci disturbino è la mindfulness, un metodo di meditazione che ci aiuta a rilassare tutti i sensi.

4. Lavorate sulla vostra felicità al di fuori della relazione.

Your relationship should make you happy, but it shouldn’t be the only source of your happiness.

E se lo scenario peggiore si avverasse? Permettereste a quell'unica persona di portarvi via tutta la gioia della vostra vita?

As long as you’re doing that, you’ll continue to struggle with relationship anxiety. Ma quando imparerete l'importanza di mettere voi stessi al primo posto nella vostra vita, le cose cambieranno drasticamente.

That’s why you have to build your life outside of your romance. No, don’t neglect your partner, but don’t forget to be a person and not just their boyfriend or girlfriend.

I’m not telling you to prepare yourself for the worst scenario, but always make sure you have a life you can come back to if your relationship happens to fail. Rendetevi felici a prescindere da tutto!

5. Imparare ad amare se stessi.

You can’t expect others to love you when you don’t love yourself. Actually, even if you get all the love in this world from the outside, it’ll never be enough.

What you must do is stop connecting your sense of self-worth with someone else’s validation. You have to understand that you’re worthy of everyone’s love, especially your own.

Don’t worry…amare se stessi over your partner is not selfish; it’s how things should roll. Practicing self-care and prioritizing your own happiness is not ego-centric; it’s how we should all behave.

4. Chiedere aiuto.

What if you’ve reached the point when nothing helps? Well, this means that it’s time to ask for help.

Yes, you can try asking your partner, a friend, or a family member to give you a hand. Nevertheless, always keep in mind that they’re not trained professionals. It doesn’t mean that they don’t want to help you; sometimes, they just won’t know how to do it.

La cosa migliore da fare è parlare con un professionista della salute mentale che vi guiderà nell'intero processo di guarigione.

You’ll probably engage in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), where your counselor will eventually help you change your thoughts, habits, and behavior patterns.

Come si affronta l'ansia da relazione?

La cosa più importante è prendere sul serio il problema, ma allo stesso tempo non vederlo come qualcosa di irrisolvibile. Be aware of the issue you’re dealing with and the gravity of the situation, but also have hope that you’re strong enough to fight it.

The worst thing you can do here is panic about the fact that you’re panicking. I know that this is easier said than done, but please, know that this will only make things worse.

Come posso spiegare la mia ansia da relazione al mio partner?

If you’ve decided to share your problem with your partner, firstly, you have to explain what relationship anxiety is. Talk to them about the symptoms, possible causes, and most importantly, about the way it makes you feel.

Dite loro che sapete che uscire con una persona con ansia is not easy, but that you believe you’ll work things out together.

Be completely honest, but don’t forget to tell them that your condition doesn’t mean you love them any less! Of course, don’t forget to work on your communication skills before doing the talk.

Per concludere:

I just want you to know that you’re not alone. In fact, you’d be surprised by the number of people who are struggling with relationship anxiety.

Ma sapete cosa vi rende speciali? The fact that you’ve admitted that you have a problem, and the fact that you’re willing to solve it.

Otherwise, you wouldn’t be here, would you? You’ve already made the first, hardest step, and you should be proud of yourself for it!