Sopravvivere e prosperare dopo una brutta rottura
Quando abbiamo una relazione con qualcuno che amiamo, a volte ci perdiamo. What “I” need suddenly gets taken over by what “we” need . . . well, let’s be honest, by what “he” needs. This can be good in a healthy relationship . . . putting the other person’s needs before our own. But in a bad relationship, this can become unhealthy.
What happens, then, if your lover decides to leave you? You may become desperate. Why, why, WHY would he want to leave you when your whole world revolves around him? You might try anything to get him to stay. You may think, “If he only knew how much I love him, he wouldn’t leave.” Or, you may begin begging him to stay, making promises to give him even more than you already do. Or you may get angry, telling him you don’t love him and never have.
Qualcuno di questi scenari vi suona familiare?
These are natural reactions, but do they help? Unfortunately, no. The harder we try to keep our lover from leaving us, the more anxious he is to leave. Our only choice is to let him go. I know, this is not what you were hoping to hear. Sadly, I don’t have a magic wand to wave that will make it all better. (I don’t have a golden pumpkin either.)
What now? As my therapist used to say, “Take a bathtub moment.” Crawl into a warm bath, and cry your eyes out. You will need more than one of these. Rinse and repeat.
Your first task is to grieve. Yuck. I know. No one wants to grieve. However, if you don’t, your grief will come back to haunt you later. “We don’t bury our feelings dead, we bury them alive.” We think they are buried and gone, but they will rear their ugly little heads later. Perhaps, at your best friend’s wedding you will begin sobbing uncontrollably. Not a good look for a bridesmaid. Perhaps when you are giving a presentation at work to your boss, her boss and her boss, you break down. Not a way to move up the ladder. Fidatevi di me.
What does purposeful grieving look like? This will look different for each person. Some will crawl into bed, and stay there for three days. Others will want to journal their feelings. Still others might take long walks, or sob on their best friend’s shoulder. Whatever works for you, do it. If you feel yourself falling into a serious depression (feeling depressed every moment for more than two weeks), seek some counseling—you might need an anti-depressant for a while. Though it may seem counter-intuitive, allowing yourself to feel the pain will make it go away faster in the long run.
Grieving will take longer than you want it to. But, doing nothing but grieving is not a good way to move on. Neither is hooking up with your hot next-door neighbor. Finding a new man right away might feel good, but it is not good. It will only distract you from your pain for a time; remember . . . feelings are buried alive. Your buried grief at the loss of your first man won’t endear you to a second.
So, besides grieving, which let’s admit it will suck, what else can you do? Try some self-care. Begin doing things you like to do that maybe you stopped doing while you were with your lover. Do you like eating vegetarian, but he loved steak? Do you like to watch sappy romances, while he only wanted to watch action films? Was he a night owl, and you are an early bird? Try to remember the things you loved to do before you met him, and begin doing them. Reconnect with (girl) friends you might have dropped when he came along.
Oltre a questa autocura emozionale, fate un po' di cura di sé a livello fisico. L'esercizio fisico può alleviare la depressione. Forse non siete mai stati dei maratoneti, ma potete fare una passeggiata intorno all'isolato. Forse una volta vi piaceva fare yoga in palestra, ma il vostro amante voleva sempre che sollevaste pesi con lui. Uscire all'aperto o circondarsi di persone che la pensano come voi e fare un po' di esercizio fisico vi solleverà davvero il morale.
Don’t pig out on potato chips or chocolate or alcohol. This won’t elevate your mood in the long run. Stepping on the scale to see you’ve gained 10 pounds, or waking up with a raging hangover won’t help. Be kind to your body . . . it has been through a lot, too! Eat healthy food, exercise, and make sure you get a yearly check-up with a doctor, or see the doctor if you get sick.
Un'altra cosa che può davvero aiutare, sorprendentemente, è fare volontariato per aiutare gli altri. Uscire da se stessi può fare miracoli. Aiutare qualcuno che ha una vita più difficile della vostra può aiutarvi a mettere in prospettiva i vostri problemi. Per chi avete un cuore? I senzatetto? Fate volontariato presso la missione di soccorso locale. Gli anziani? Sapevate che molti ospiti di case di riposo non ricevono mai visite? I bambini? Provate a fare volontariato presso la scuola pubblica locale, la scuola domenicale della chiesa o il programma di doposcuola della comunità.
Quali sono gli altri vantaggi del volontariato? Potreste incontrare nuovi amici che sono appassionati della stessa causa. Il volontariato può anche portare a posti di lavoro retribuiti, sia perché chi ci lavora vede la vostra dedizione alla popolazione, sia perché potreste incontrare e impressionare persone che vi offriranno un lavoro altrove.
Una volta che avete fatto tutto questo lavoro per riprendervi la vostra vita, il vostro ex amante potrebbe tornare a curiosare. Il fatto che siate forti, che sappiate cosa volete e che vi prendiate cura di voi stesse potrebbe sembrare molto attraente per lui. Chiedetevi: lo volete davvero o state meglio senza di lui?
La decisione spetta a voi.
