After two people get a divorce, everyone feels sorry for the wife and often, no one even asks how the husband is doing.
We all have this misconception that it’s easier for men to deal with a divorce than women.
There are so many things that people don’t know about life after divorce for men. Many people aren’t even aware of how divorce affects us also; it changes our lives completely.
Are you here reading this because your marriage ended or maybe you just started the divorce process? It doesn’t matter either way. Welcome to the club, you are not alone.
The situation is confusing, to say the least. You’re a single man again but you have even forgotten how to be single. Everything you once called ‘ours’ now has to be split into ‘yours’ and ‘hers’.
You’re aware that so many things have changed. These are difficult times and you need some time to organize your thoughts and feelings.
First, you need some time for the grieving process and then you need to accept what happened and leave it in the past. You’ll have to snap out of it and learn to live after your divorce.
The thing you most definitely want to know is what to expect from your new life, your post-divorce life.
What can you expect from it?
Divorce is truly a difficult time for all people. You have to be aware that it brings so many new things into your life that’ll change it completely.
There are so many things you can expect from a divorce. Predictable, unpredictable, beautiful, terrible things…
Here are some things and feelings you’ll most definitely experience after your divorce.
You’ll feel like you’re left all alone
You’ll think that you’re the only one who cares about your divorce and you’ll see that you’re your own biggest support.
You’ll lose so many friends, especially if you were the one who made a mistake which was the reason for your divorce. Your friends will turn their backs on you.
If your divorce gets ugly, your wife will only want to talk to you about child support in the presence of her lawyers.
After some time, you’ll be sitting all alone in your new apartment and you’ll realize that you’re all alone in all of it. You’ll understand that you’re the only person who is there for you.
You’ll spend so much money and time on the divorce process
Sometimes, ex-partners can’t agree on money or dividing property or the most painful part if you have kids—child custody.
Even if you and your ex-wife have an agreed divorce, it’ll still cost you so much money, as you’ll have to pay your divorce lawyer and some legal fees.
The best thing would be if you could settle your divorce out of court.
If you can agree over all things but child custody, then you’ll have to hire a family law lawyer and it’ll cost you even more.
However, you can agree on joint physical custody. This is when both parents have legal custody but one has to be the child’s primary caretaker and that’s usually the mother.
You’ll have the same responsibilities, you’ll be able to see your kids whenever you want to, but still, they will live with their mother and you’ll have to pay alimony.
The divorce is going to affect your kids as well
This is a fact, if you have children together. No matter whether you and your ex-wife stayed friends, your kids will feel the consequences too. They’ll also realize that everything has changed.
Even if you have joint custody, it won’t be the same for them. They’ll feel that something is missing.
After some time, you or your ex-partner (or possibly both of you) will find a new partner and it’ll be difficult for them to accept it.
You have to show your kids understanding, especially if they’re teenagers, as it’s also a difficult time for them.
If you and your ex have any disagreements, try not to fight in front of the kids. It leaves significant consequences on their mental health.
Both of you have to sit down and talk to your kids about it. Tell them everything they need to know and tell them that even though you have decided to separate, they’ll still be your priority.
You’ll have to pay alimony to your ex-wife
The mother getting custody and the father paying alimony is the most common scenario, so you should be prepared for that.
However, you should talk to a family law lawyer about it. Of course, they’re your children and you are obligated to provide for them but you aren’t necessarily obligated to provide for your ex-wife.
Some of your mutual friends will take sides
Your friends will blame one of you for your divorce. They’ll try to find out what the reason for it was or who’s guilty for it.
Of course, in most cases, they blame the husband. They think that he did something, like cheated on or neglected his wife, and that was the reason for the divorce.
They’ll choose one side because it’ll be uncomfortable for them to continue to hang out with both of you. Again, in most cases, they will usually feel sorry for the wife so they choose her side.
You’ll see how you’ll be disappointed in so many people after your divorce.
Many of those people who pretended to be your best friends for so long won’t be there for you, in one of the most difficult times of your life.
That can be a good thing, however, because you know how people say, ‘A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out’.
Your feelings won’t go away immediately
If you aren’t the one who suggested the divorce and you still have feelings for your partner, you have to be aware that those feelings can’t go away overnight.
It won’t be easy to cope with the divorce but you’ll also have to find a way to deal with it in the healthiest way possible.
Don’t let anyone feel sorry for you. You have to be brave and strong. It’ll all pass; you just need to give yourself some time. You have to go through divorce recovery and you need to think about your own well-being.
So, you are divorcing your wife even though you still love you? So what? Trust me, you aren’t the first man who had to go through this and it’s not the end of the world.
Your true friends and family members will give you emotional support and you’ll get through it sooner than you think.
How to cope with divorce?
Find a way to successfully co-parent with your ex-wife
The best thing for both you and your kids would be if you can find a way to agree on things easily and have a successful co-parenting relationship.
You have to show your kids that the relationship between you two doesn’t affect your relationship with them. They need to know that both of you will always be there for them, no matter what.
Talk to them more about it. Let them ask you everything they want to know. Maybe they won’t accept it in the beginning but you’ll have to be patient and let them understand and accept the new situation.
Find and join a support group
Divorce can be so much harder on men than on women.
Women tend to have so many friends and they’re all there for them in such times and they have women’s support groups, which also makes things easier for them.
Men don’t like to share their feelings with other people so much. We like to keep that to ourselves because we always pretend we’re tough and strong.
Believe me, there is nothing wrong with showing your emotions, with showing that you are also vulnerable or how you also suffer.
No one will think less about you because of that. On the contrary, people will appreciate you more because you are being honest.
You can also find some support groups for divorced men, as it would be helpful to hear other men’s experiences. It becomes so much easier when you have someone to share your grief with.
Work on your self-esteem
Men’s health can suffer very much because of all the stress and problems we deal with after a divorce. You have to know that your mental health greatly affects your physical health.
If you feel depressed for a long time, you won’t be able to eat well or sleep well.
Maybe you’ll even try to drown your sorrows in alcohol or some other things you think might help you but these are unhealthy things which will leave some negative consequences on your physical health, which is not a healthy way to deal with your post-divorce struggles.
Have some self-respect, not only because of you but if you have kids, because of them too. You have to be strong for them.
Work on your self-esteem and self-confidence. This is only a temporary situation, it’ll pass and you have to continue with your life.
Hang out with your old friends
Call some of your old friends and ask them to hang out. Open up to them and tell them some things that are bothering you.
Don’t be afraid or ashamed to talk to them about how you feel. They are your friends and they want to be there for you and maybe they’ll give you some helpful advice.
Don’t get involved in short-term relationships
You might think at first that being involved in short-term relationships will help you forget your feelings for your ex-wife but it won’t.
The first time you try it, you might like it and think that it’s helping you but when you get tired of it, when you realize that it’s all false, it’ll make you think of your marriage and you’ll be depressed again once you understand that it was the real thing.
Don’t get me wrong; you should give yourself a chance with dating again and you should start a new relationship with someone.
However, that should be only once you feel you’re ready for dating again and once you meet someone new whom you like.
Find something that will take your mind off the divorce
Go out, exercise, find a new hobby, do yoga or meditate, decorate your new place to make a man cave.
Step out of your comfort zone and do something new. Do some things you’ve always wanted to but didn’t have time for because of so many obligations.
Do some things you really enjoy. Travel and visit some places you’ve always wanted to visit. Do whatever you think will help you to take your mind off the divorce and your post-divorce struggles.
6 of the most common mistakes men make after divorce
Start dating again too soon
Stop trying to tie the knot again too quickly. You just get out of a serious relationship, so why not enjoy your single life now?
You have to be sure that you’re completely over your ex-spouse. You can’t start dating if you still have feelings for her.
You should give yourself some time and dedicate yourself to your self-relationship, as this will greatly help you once you get back into the dating game.
You’ll feel more confident and you won’t be afraid to give someone new a chance to enter your life.
End up in a self-destructive situation
Unfortunately, many men end up in a self-destructive situation because they don’t see another way out of their current situation.
Drinking, using pills and other addictions won’t help you at all and will only ruin your life completely.
Your divorce happened for a reason, probably because you weren’t happy in your marriage. You should see your divorce as your chance to find love and someone who’ll make you happy.
Don’t ruin that chance because you may not get another one.
It’s okay if you don’t want to talk to your friends or family members about your feelings. However, you don’t have to completely isolate yourself from them.
There are so many other things you can talk about. Visit them or invite them to come visit you in your new place.
However, bottling up your emotions isn’t healthy. If you can’t talk about them with the people close to you, then seek professional help and talk about it to them.
A professional therapist can also help you to find a way to deal with your divorce in a healthy way.
Make their kids choose a side
Leave the kids out of it, don’t drag them into your marital problems as they will suffer enough once they find out their parents are divorcing.
Unfortunately, after a divorce, most men make their kids choose a side. They want their kids to choose them and go live with them. I know we would all want to take our kids with us but this is not the way to do it.
Talk trash about their ex
This is probably the biggest mistake any man could make after ending their marriage, especially if there are kids involved.
You shared a part of your lives together, you have so many memories and you loved each other once. Because of all that, you should stay friends with your ex.
Talking trash about your ex will say more about you than her. Don’t try to turn your family or friends against her. Trust me, it won’t bring you any good and you’ll only feel worse.
Spy on their ex
You chose to go your separate ways and you have no right to be involved in her love life anymore. Both of you have the right to date anyone you want.
You shouldn’t spy on them because once you see them with someone else (and you will after some time), it’ll only make you feel more sad and depressed.
Your dating life doesn’t depend on hers. You should start dating whenever you feel ready for that and don’t feel bad if you find someone before your ex does.
I really think that life after divorce for men is just as hard as for women. However, we have to manage to deal with it and continue with our lives.
Too many people depend on us and we must not let them down. Remember that there is a wonderful life waiting for us after we go through some painful moments of divorce.