It might sound cheesy, but laughter truly is the best medicine, and these short funny quotes will definitely prove why.
I’ve always said that when life gives you lemons, look at funny memes and read some hilarious quotes to laugh your booty off. You don’t realize it immediately, but it does wonders for your mind.
In the spirit of not taking life too seriously, I’ve prepared for you an array of life is short funny quotes, funny sayings, and other cool funny quotes about life.
There are times when you need motivational quotes to help you keep going, life quotes to clear your mind, and funny love quotes to LOL with your bae.
But today, I’m going to bless your feed with the best short funny quotes about life, friends, work, and everything in between. Why? Because sometimes, we all need a good old little pick-me-up.
If you’re in need of some genuine, spit-your-drink-out laughter, read on (and make sure your mouth is empty).
See also: 193 Funny Love Quotes & Sayings That Will Make You Pee Your Pants
Best Short Funny Quotes
I love quotes that are short yet witty. So I’ll let you enjoy these short funny quotes about life and everything in between! Share them away, and brighten someone’s day.
1. “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” – A. A. Milne
2. “The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Al McGuire
3. “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.” – Abraham Lincoln
4. “The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln
5. “Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.” – Albert Camus
6. “Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.” – Alan Dundes
7. “The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” – Albert Einstein
8. “The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.” – Andy Rooney
9. “He who laughs last didn’t get it.” – Helen Giangregorio
10. “All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.” – Alexander Woollcott
11. “I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
12. “I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” – Oscar Wilde
13. “I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” – Rodney Dangerfield
14. “Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.” – Benjamin Franklin
15. “I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.” – Benjamin Franklin
16. “Stop worrying about the world ending today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.” – Charles M. Schulz
17. “Common sense and a sense of humor are the same things, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.” – William James
18. “The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.” – Steven Wright
19. “Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” – Elbert Hubbard
20. “Don’t scare me, I fart easily.” – Unknown
21. “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” – George Carlin
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22. “I saw a woman talking to her cat, she really thought the cat understood. I told my dog when I got home… We both had a good laugh.” – Unknown
23. “He may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don’t let that fool you: he really is an idiot.” – Groucho Marx
24. “True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.” – Kurt Vonnegut
25. “My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.” – Unknown
26. “My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.” – Milton Berle
27. “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” – Phyllis Diller
28. ”The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.” – Robert Bloch
29. “Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get a warm feeling that it brings.” – Robert Bloch
30. “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” – Steve Martin
31. “There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.” – Unknown
32. “When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” – Rodney Dangerfield
33. “The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.” – Bill Murray
34. “Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.” – Albert Einstein
35. “Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.” – Albert Camus
36. “Don’t be so humble – you are not that great.” – Golda Meir
37. “There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.” – Henry Kissinger
38. “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.” – Mark Twain
39. “Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.” – Mark Twain
40. “The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.” –Scott Adams (Dilbert)
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Short Funny Quotes About Friends
Some unknown authors made sure that we had something to laugh about on rainy days with these witty and hilarious sayings! Check them out and share them with your best friends.
1. I made my Facebook name “Benefits,” so when you add me now it says “you’re friends with benefits.”
2. A good friend calls you in jail. A great friend bails you out of jail. Your best friend sits next to you and says “wasn’t that fun?”
3. Friends buy you lunch. Best friends eat your lunch.
4. Good friends finish your sentences. A best friend will do the same, but make it sound 10 times dirtier in the process.
5. I don’t know what’s tighter, our jeans or our friendship.
6. You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.
7. As soon as I saw you, I knew an adventure was going to happen.
8. Best friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone!
9. I love that our effortless friendship fits perfectly with my laziness.
10. Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
11. We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.
12. I was an innocent being… then my best friend came along.
13. No one will ever be as entertained by us as us.
14. We’ll be friends till we’re old and senile… Then we’ll be new friends.
15. Never let your best friends get lonely… keep disturbing them.
16. Good friends offer a shoulder when you need to cry. Best friends are there with a bat to beat up who made you cry.
17. Friends come and go like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay like an octopus on your face.
18. I love my computer because all my friends live inside it!
19. Never let your best friends get lonely… keep disturbing them.
See also: 20 Beautiful Signs That You’ve Found A True Soulmate Friendship
20. We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up. After I finish laughing.
21. I am your best friend, and there isn’t anything you can do about it.
22. Friends are God’s way of apologizing to us for our families.
23. I like you because you join in on my weirdness.
24. It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.
25. There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.
26. Finding friends with the same mental disorder. Priceless!
27. Studying means 10% reading and 90% complaining to your friends that you have to study.
28. Friends hide a smile and help you up when you fall, but best friends laugh so hard that they fall also.
29. You don’t have to be crazy to be friends with me. But it definitely helps.
30. If you have crazy friends, you have everything you’ll ever need.
31. I love that when I’m with you, I don’t have to pretend I’m a nice person. That sh** is exhausting.
32. Good friends make each other laugh. Really good friends go for the snort.
33. True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people… together.
34. True friendship is when you go to their house, and the Wi-Fi connects automatically.
35. This is by far your worst idea ever… I’ll be there in 15 minutes.
36. Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry.
37. Best Friends. They know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.
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Short Funny Motivational Quotes
Here are my personal favorite short funny quotes that will make you laugh but also inspire you. Hopefully, you’ll find as much joy in them as I did.
1. “When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.” – Unknown
2. “Every tattoo is temporary because we’re all slowly dying.” – Unknown
3. “Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.” – Mark Twain
4. “Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese.” – Billie Burke
5. “I am an early bird and a night owl… so I am wise and I have worms.” – Michael Scott
6. “Well-behaved women seldom make history.” – Laurel Thatcher Ulrich
7. “I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.” – Unknown
8. “The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.” – Will Rogers
9. “When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?’” – Sydney Harris
10. “If the world didn’t suck, we’d all fly into space.” – Unknown
11. “The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.” – Joe Girard
12. “I cannot afford to waste my time making money.” – Louis Agassiz
13. “The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.” – Terry Pratchett
14. “You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?” – Steven Wright
15. “Dreams are like rainbows. Only idiots chase them.” – Unknown
16. “It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up because by then I was too famous.” – Robert Benchley
17. “Bad decisions make good stories.” – Ellis Vidler
See also: Dream Quotes: 100+ Motivational Quotes To Help You Chase Your Dreams
18. “Happiness is just sadness that hasn’t happened yet.” – Unknown
19. “Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
20. “You can’t wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.” – Jack London
21. “Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.” – Franklin P. Jones
22. “People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
23. “You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.” – Robin Williams
24. “Live each day like it’s your second to the last. That way you can fall asleep at night.” – Jason Love
25. “I have a simple philosophy: Fill what’s empty. Empty what is full. Scratch where it itches.” – Alice Roosevelt Longworth
26. “A few harmless flakes working together can unleash an avalanche of destruction.” – Justin Sewell
27. “Life is like a sewer – what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.” – Tom Lehrer
28. “A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” – Unknown
29. “Think like a proton. Always positive.” – Unknown
30. “Nothing is impossible, the word itself says ‘I’m possible!’” – Audrey Hepburn
31. “It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.” – Ashleigh Brilliant
32. “The best things in life are actually really expensive.” – Unknown
33. “If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.” – Steven Wright
See also: 200 Funny And Cheesy Pick-Up Lines That Will Make Her Smile
Short Inspirational Quotes About Work
Here are motivational quotes about work that will help you wake up each day thankful and inspired to make every day count.
1. “Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal. Nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong attitude.” – Thomas Jefferson
2. “Try not. Do, or do not. There is no try.” – Yoda
3. “Your talent determines what you can do. Your motivation determines how much you’re willing to do. Your attitude determines how well you do it.” – Lou Holtz
4. “Success is a state of mind. If you want success, start thinking of yourself as a success.” – Joyce Brothers
5. “I learned this, at least, by my experiment; that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.” – Henry David Thoreau
6. “The size of your success is measured by the strength of your desire, the size of your dream, and how you handle disappointment along the way.” – Robert Kiyosaki
7. “Never allow a person to tell you no who doesn’t have the power to say yes.” – Eleanor Roosevelt
8. “A year from now you may wish you had started today.” – Karen Lamb
9. “Light tomorrow with today.” – Elizabeth Barrett Browning
10. “What we fear of doing most is usually what we most need to do.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
11. “Someday is not a day of the week.” – Janet Dailey
12. “Make each day your masterpiece.” – John Wooden
13. “Don’t count the days, make the days count.” – Muhammad Ali
14. “You get to decide where your time goes. You can either spend it moving forward, or you can spend it putting out fires. You decide. And if you don’t decide, others will decide for you.” – Tony Morgan
15. “Fall 7 times, stand up 8.” – Japanese Proverb
16. “The only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle.” – Steve Jobs
17. “Your imagination is your preview of life’s coming attractions.” – Albert Einstein
18. “You’ve got to get up every morning with determination if you’re going to go to bed with satisfaction.” – George Lorimer
19. “People rarely succeed unless they have fun in what they are doing.” – Dale Carnegie
20. “Success is the sum of small efforts repeated day in and day out.” – Robert Collier
21. “If everything seems under control, you’re not going fast enough.” – Mario Andretti
See also: 7 Reasons Work Friends Are Actually Your Best Friends
22. “Build your own dreams or someone else will hire you to build theirs.” – Farrah Gray
23. “Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.” – Will Rogers
24. “Go as far as you can see; when you get there, you’ll be able to see further.” – Thomas Carlyle
25. “The true meaning of life is to plant trees under whose shade you do not expect to sit.” – Nelson Henderson
26. “The question isn’t who is going to let me, it’s who is going to stop me.” – Ayn Rand
27. “Very often a change of self is needed more than a change of scene.” – Arthur Christopher Benson
28. “If you don’t design your own life plan, chances are you’ll fall into someone else’s plan and guess what they have planned for you? Not much.” – Jim Rohn
29. “Develop success from failures. Discouragement and failure are two of the surest stepping stones to success.” – Dale Carnegie
30. “Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.” – Truman Capote
31. “It is better to fail in originality than to succeed in imitation.” – Herman Melville
32. “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” – Thomas Edison
33. “Never give up on a dream just because of the time it will take to accomplish it. The time will pass anyway.” – Earl Nightingale
34. “It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” – E. E. Cummings
35. “Believe you can and you’re halfway there.” – Theodore Roosevelt
36. “It’s not what you say out of your mouth that determines your life, it’s what you whisper to yourself that has the most power.” – Robert T. Kiyosaki
37. “Success only comes to those who dare to attempt.” – Mallika Tripathi
38. “The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.” – Richard Bach
39. “We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” – Joseph Campbell
40. “Success is liking yourself, liking what you do, and liking how you do it.” – Maya Angelou
41. “The individual who says it is not possible should move out of the way of those doing it.” – Tricia Cunningham
42. “Don’t aim for success if you want it, just do what you love and believe in and it will come naturally.” – David Frost
43. “When someone tells me ‘no,’ it doesn’t mean I can’t do it, it simply means I can’t do it with them.” – Karen E. Quinones Miller
44. “I would rather die of passion than of boredom.” – Emile Zola
45. “Coming together is a beginning, keeping together is progress, working together is a success.” – Henry Ford
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Funniest Quotes To Make You LOL
Here are some cool funny quotes that truly hit the mark every time.
1. “Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” – George Burns
2. “Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.” – Albert Camus
3. “At every party, there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.” – Ann Landers
4. “What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? Envelope.” – Unknown
5. “Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.” – Anton Chekhov
6. “To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.” – Ashleigh Brilliant
7. “Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of people’s vacations was considered a punishment.” – Betty White
8. “Not sure which is harder on a relationship: sharing a dresser for three years or sharing an iPhone charger for one day.” – Rhea Butcher
9. “According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man’s best friend is his dog.” – Jay Leno
10. “When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.” – Jane Wagner
11. “You can fail at what you don’t want – so you might as well take a chance at doing what you love.” – Jim Carrey
12. “Men are like shoes. Some fit better than others. And sometimes you go out shopping and there’s nothing you like. And then, as luck would have it, the next week you find two that are perfect, but you don’t have the money to buy both.” – Janet Evanovich
13. “Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.” – Billy Sunday
14. “My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.” – Jack Benny
15. “Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright.” – Laurell K. Hamilton
16. “My grandfather once told me that there were two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the first group; there was much less competition.” – Indira Gandhi
17. “I asked my brother-in-law, the father of four boys, ‘If you had it to do all over again, would you still have kids?’ ‘Yes,’ he said. ‘Just not these four.’” – Sheila Lee
18. “People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” – Isaac Asimov
19. “Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.” – Helen Rowland
20. “I just realized that ‘Let me check my calendar’ is the adult version of ‘Let me ask my mom.’” – Noelle Chatham
21. “I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.” – Rodney Dangerfield
22. “Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” – George Carlin
23. “A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself and hates them for it.” – George Bernard Shaw
24. “When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.” – Nora Ephron
25. “My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.” – Jimmy Carter
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26. “I recently asked a student where his homework was. He replied, ‘It’s still in my pencil.’” – Larry Timmons
27. “In this horrible time, let us at least be bolstered by small miracles like finding out your ex moved to a different city.” – Aparna Nancherla
28. “Here’s to our wives and girlfriends… may they never meet!” – Groucho Marx
29. “It’s only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames.” – Harry Hill
30. “If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.” – Henny Youngman
31. “I’d rather have 1% of the effort of 100 men than 100% of my own effort.” – J. Paul Getty
32. “In school, you’re taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you’re given a test that teaches you a lesson.” – Tom Bodett
33. “School is learning things you don’t want to know, surrounded by people you wish you didn’t know, while working toward a future you don’t know will ever come.” – Dave Kellett
34. “A boss on vacation is the most cost-effective measure. Everybody in the office has vacationed at the cost of one.” – Thibaut
35. “Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.” – James Thurber
36. “It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.” – Jerry Seinfeld
37. “The simple act of opening a bottle of wine has brought more happiness to the human race than all the collective governments in the history of the earth.” – Jim Harrison
38. “Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.” – John F. Kennedy
39. “Americans are incredibly impatient. Someone once said that the shortest period of time in America is the time between when the light turns green and when you hear the first horn honk.” – Jim Rohn
40. “The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that still carries any reward.” – John Maynard Keynes
41. “Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.” – Josh Billings
42. “The secret of the demagogue is to make himself as stupid as his audience so they believe they are clever as he.” – Karl Kraus
43. “Cleaning up with children around is like shoveling during a blizzard.” – Margaret Culkin Banning
44. “The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.” – Mark Twain
See also: 100 Inspirational And Encouraging Keep Going Quotes
Short Funny Christmas Quotes
Enjoy the best funny quotes about Christmas and help your loved ones laugh out loud. These hilarious quotes are perfect for everyone who doesn’t take life too seriously.
1. “Be careful with drinking this Christmas. I got so drunk last night I found myself dancing in a cheesy bar… or, as you like to call it, delicatessen.” – Sean Hughes
2. “Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.” – Larry Wilde
3. “The principal advantage of the non-parental lifestyle is that on Christmas Eve you need not be struck dumb by the three most terrifying words that the government allows to be printed on any product: ‘Some assembly required.’” – John Leo
4. “I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange.” – Henny Youngman
5. “Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.” – Andy Borowitz
6. “He who has no Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree.” – Roy L. Smith
7. “Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.” – Dave Barry
8. “I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.” – Winston Spear
9. “There are 17 more shopping days until Christmas. So, guys, that means 16 more days till we start shopping, right?” – Conan O’Brien
10. “Pets, like their owners, tend to expand a little over the Christmas period.” – Fanny Wright
11. “Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.” – Kin Hubbard
12. “I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, ‘toys not included.’” – Bernard Manning
13. “What I like about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with the present.” – Don Marquis
14. “I hate the radio this time of year because they play “All I Want For Christmas Is You” like every other song. And that’s just not enough.” – Bridger Winegar
15. “Adults can take a simple holiday for Children and screw it up. What began as a presentation of simple gifts to delight and surprise children around the Christmas tree has culminated in a woman unwrapping six shrimp forks from her dog, who drew her name.” – Erma Bombeck
16. “Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and receipts for all major purchases.” – Bridger Winegar
17. “The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.” – Johnny Carson
18. “My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge.” – Melanie White
19. “At Christmas, tea is compulsory. Relatives are optional.” – Robert Godden
20. “That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.” – Jerry Seinfeld
21. “Do give books – religious or otherwise – for Christmas. They’re never fattening, seldom sinful, and permanently personal.” – Lenore Hershey
22. “Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.” – Victor Borge
23. “For Christmas this year, try giving less. Start with less attitude. There’s more than enough of that in the world as it is – and people will usually just give it back anyway!” – Anne Bristow
24. “I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.” – Shirley Temple
25. “Oh, for the good old days when people would stop Christmas shopping when they ran out of money.” – Unknown
26. “Next to a circus, there ain’t nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.” – Frank McKinney Hubbard
27. “Elf has become this big holiday movie, and I remember running around the streets of New York in tights saying, ‘This could be the last movie I ever make,’ and I could never have predicted that it’d become such a popular film.” – Will Ferrell
28. “Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa?” – Matt Groening
29. “Christmas is a time when you get homesick, even when you’re home.” – Carol Nelson
30. “A Christmas shopper’s complaint is one of long-standing.” – Unknown
31. “Let me see if I’ve got this Santa business straight. Do you say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income, and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn’t laundering illegal drug money?” – Tom Armstrong
32. “Who’s the bane of Santa’s life? The elf and safety officer.” – Catherine Tate
33. “Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, he must be a communist. And a beard and long hair must be a pacifist. What’s in that pipe that he’s smoking?” – Arlo Guthrie
34. “Nothing says holiday like a cheese log.” – Ellen DeGeneres
See also: 52 Christmas Gifts For Boyfriend To Knock His Socks Off In 2020
35. “A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.” – Garrison Keillor
36. “Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it.” – Richard Lamm
37. “Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music.” – Tom Sims
38. “The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.” – Joan Rivers
39. “Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.” – Johnny Carson
40. “Many banks have a new kind of Christmas club in operation. The new club helps you save money to pay for last year’s gifts.” – Unknown
41. “One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.” – Louis C. K.
42. “There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.” – Erma Bombeck
43. “Christmas, here again. Let us raise a loving cup; Peace on earth, goodwill to men, and make them do the washing up.” – Wendy Cope
44. “Although it is pleasant to think about poison at any season, there is something special about Christmas, and I found myself grinning.” – Alan Bradley
45. “Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.” – Unknown
46. “Wretched excess is an unfortunate human trait that turns a perfectly good idea such as Christmas into a frenzy of last-minute shopping.” – Jon Anderson
47. “One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don’t clean it up too quickly.” – Andy Rooney
48. “Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.” – Andy Borowitz
49. “People can’t concentrate properly on blowing other people to pieces properly if their minds are poisoned by thoughts suitable to the twenty-fifth of December.” – Ogden Nash
50. “A good holiday is one spent among people whose notions of time are vaguer than yours.” – John B. Priestly
51. “I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.” – Steven Wright
52. “I like to compare the holiday season with the way a child listens to a favorite story. The pleasure is in the familiar way the story begins, the anticipation of familiar turns it takes, the familiar moments of suspense, and the familiar climax and ending.” – Fred Rogers
See also: 106 Romantic Kiss Quotes For The One Who Makes Your Heart Flutter
These short funny quotes always manage to make my day a little brighter, and hopefully, they do the same for you.
No matter how gloomy your day is, there isn’t a funny saying that can’t make it better (even if just for a few seconds). Laugh it all away as you can never know what tomorrow brings.
Send these cool funny quotes to your friends who need it and spread a little joy! Goodness knows we all need it these days.