To The Man Who Made Me Doubt Myself

When you are in a relationship with someone, it is natural for that other person to be the strongest wind to your winds.

This person ought to be your biggest support and number one fan. He should be the first one to push you forward when you are feeling low or when you are going through some tough times.

And of course, you should act the same way toward him.

It is natural that the two of you are partners and that you should support each other.

But you were never like this. I don’t know whether you were intimidated by my strength or you were simply insecure by nature and you wanted to drag me down to your level but the fact is that you were always doing everything in your power to belittle me and to diminish my worth.

Of course, in the beginning, your actions were subtle.

You weren’t directly insulting me but you would always make sure to imply that you were better than me and that I was beneath you in every possible way.

But as time went by, you mistreating me and diminishing me in every way became more often, more direct and less subtle.

You used every possible opportunity to make me feel bad about myself and to feed my insecurities.

And with time, you started insulting and ridiculing me in front of others as well.

When you first met me, I was a high-value woman who knew her worth and you couldn’t lower my self-confidence.

But as years passed by, somehow you managed to get inside my head and I started questioning if everything you were telling me was actually true.

As years passed by, I turned out to be a girl who questioned her every move, a girl who questioned her worth and a girl who sometimes even doubted her sanity.

I started doubting if I was pretty or beautiful enough, if I was smart enough and if I deserved you to be with me.

Whenever I would put my mind to something, there was your voice in the back of my head, telling me I wouldn’t make it and telling me I should quit.

I started doubting my capacities and abilities regarding everything in life.

I started doubting and questioning my career, my relationship with other people and most of all, I started doubting my relationship with myself.

I started questioning myself about if I was lovable and if I was worthy of anyone’s respect and appreciation.

And the worst part was that I started questioning if I was worthy of my own love and respect.

I started questioning if I was enough and why I wasn’t enough.

And when I would admit to myself that this was all your fault, I would even start doubting my sanity.

I thought you loved me unconditionally and that it wasn’t possible that you were the one playing mind games with me.

Of course, I would never admit any of these things out loud, not even to myself. I tried to hide the opinions I had about myself but that doesn’t mean I didn’t have them.

And all of that was your fault.

I know that because I regained my confidence the moment I left you. Of course, it didn’t happen overnight and it is something still in process but I felt this unexplainable relief the moment I walked away from you.

Yes, it was painful but it was also liberating.

But I am not writing you all of this because I resent you for all the things you did to me and I am not doing it because I want or need an apology.

I am telling you all of this because I want you to know that you haven’t succeeded. I want you to know that you didn’t manage to kill my spirit and that you didn’t manage to destroy the person I used to be.

I am telling you all of this because I want you to know that I am good enough.

Yes, you came very close to killing me spiritually but I rose from the ashes stronger than ever.

And I know how valuable I actually am. I know that there is no reason for me to be insecure.

I know I am worthy and I am certain that you and nobody else can diminish my worth.

Most of all, I know that I should have never doubted myself. Instead, you were the one who should have been doing that all along.