Do you hear that? That is the sound of my heart breaking because you betrayed me in the worst possible way.
You gave me hope that you will love me, without any intention to do so. How could you do that to me? How could you do something like this to the woman that loved you more than herself?
I admit it—it was my biggest mistake but I can’t turn back time. I can just learn a lesson from the shitty behavior you showed me.
You did everything in your power to push me away once I showed an interest in you. You pushed away the girl who actually wanted to be yours.
You see, I didn’t want the moon and the stars. I just wanted you to love me like I loved you. I just wanted you to try as hard as I was trying. I just wanted you to fight for me, but you couldn’t even do that.
All I ever wanted was your love.
I even accepted all your flaws and your baggage from the past. I tried to understand you every time you had problems and was there to hug you and tell you that everything will be okay.
I don’t know if that helped you, but I gave my best to make you feel better. I gave it all for the man I loved but who couldn’t love me back. And that was all I wanted all the time.
To take your hand proudly and show you to the world instead of meeting with you in secret in filthy hotel rooms. But I accepted all that because I thought that you will change.
I thought that my love will change you. I thought that you will see how much love and affection was in every touch, in every kiss, in every hug. But as always, you missed seeing that.
I never got the treatment I deserved and I was always settling for less that I deserved because I loved you.
I just wanted you to treat me with respect.
So tell me, did I ask too much from you? Was it too much to ask the man I loved to treat me like I deserved to be treated? You know that I never asked anything that you couldn’t give me.
I didn’t ask for diamonds and stars. I just asked for your love and some respect—respect that would make me stay. I just wanted to see you trying as hard as me. If you had tried a little bit harder, maybe we would have made it then.
But that was too much for you!
You had some twisted idea of love in your head that didn’t make any sense. You wanted me to give you the girlfriend benefits while you didn’t give me boyfriend benefits at all.
I was good only when I was sleeping with you, but when I wanted to meet the people that are important to you, you didn’t have the guts to admit to them that we were dating.
Even if I deserved all the relationship benefits, you never gave any to me. You weren’t ready to do anything for me, even if I did even the impossible for you. You didn’t care about me at all. But you should have.
You didn’t want to accept me.
You always wanted to change me and to mold me into someone who was a ‘perfect girlfriend’ according to your taste. With you, I experienced an almost love—the type when you don’t know if you are with someone or not.
You were keeping me close because that was convenient for you, but on the other hand, you didn’t want to commit fully because you were scared. And trust me, there was nothing to be scared about. But you missed seeing that.
You missed seeing a woman standing in front of you having her heart on her sleeve. The one who would shake every time she would see you. A girl who was so much more than you deserved.
You didn’t want to put me first.
For you, I was always a second option—a girl who will be there when everyone else abandons you. The one who doesn’t ask much but kisses and hugs you every time life slaps you.
I was the girl who stayed with you even when things were so bad that any other person would probably have left if they were in my place. But I stood next to you. And all I did, I did for both of us.
Too bad that you never saw that. But maybe you didn’t want to see, right? Because it was much easier to close your eyes to the good things I did for you because you could convince me that you owed me nothing after all.
And you know what the worst part was? You actually thought that I will always be there, begging you for crumbs of your love. But you were so wrong.
I got tired of being the only one trying.
Admit it—you were actually okay with losing me. You thought that there are other girls who are much better than me and will give you the love and affection I gave you.
You didn’t even want to fight for me when I wanted you to do that. You were indifferent the whole time. And that is exactly the opposite of love. When you are indifferent, you feel the same whether someone is there or not.
You don’t need that person like the air you breathe. But too bad that I needed you even more than the air I was breathing. I needed you more than I have ever needed anything in my life. And you not giving a damn about me was something that made my whole world fall apart.
The day when you didn’t choose me, you actually lost me. You lost me forever and there wasn’t a way that you could bring me back.
No matter how much I wanted to stay, you pushed me away.
You pushed me away every time I had to beg you to listen to me. You pushed me away by not giving a damn about me when I needed you the most.
You pushed me away by your indifference and lack of love. You pushed me away without an intention to fight for me and win me back.
So I am asking you: “Are you happy now?”
You actually lost a girl who wanted to be yours.
And I just wanted your love and affection. I wanted you to look at me and to think that you are so lucky to have me. I wanted you to admire the things that I do and to tell me that you were proud of me.
I didn’t want those bad words from your mouth. I didn’t want gaslighting, lying and manipulation. But unfortunately, that was all I got from you. I never got the unconditional love I craved so much.
I never got all those magical moments that people in love have the chance to experience. You didn’t know to provide me with the only thing I needed from you—love!
After you realize that you won’t have a girl like me anymore, you will try to find me in every other woman but you won’t find me. No woman will treat you like I did, look at you with admiration and proudness and no one will ever put you first like I did.
No one of them will stay with you when you show them your real face. That is something only I was capable of.
But the bottom line is that I actually have to thank you for this lesson.
If it weren’t for you, I would never have realized how strong I was. I would never have started cherishing myself enough to start a new chapter of my life with someone who is worthy of my love and everything that I can give.
So, if you ever see me again don’t look at me like I was shattered. I am just a breathtaking mosaic of the battles I’ve won!