When I think about things in retrospect, I see myself as a naive girl who simply didn’t know what was happening to her.
I want to go back to that time and give myself a hug. I want to protect that girl from the pain that awaits.
When I met you, I remember thinking you were the most perfect man I’d ever met. Your timing was perfect and I was in awe of everything you did.
My fantasy about a man who would take me by the hand and love me for a lifetime was coming true. I couldn’t get enough of you – the way you talked, walked, and called me yours… I was so in love with you.
I was so in love with you that I didn’t even notice when I started to make myself smaller to please you.Things started to go downhill slowly but surely and I failed to notice.
You started taking my love for granted. You used my love as an excuse to do whatever you felt like doing.
Once I started to realize you were using me, I was already deep into neglecting myself and lacking self-esteem. You made me think I was less than you. You made me think that without you I was worthless.
I became a prisoner of my love. At least what I thought was love. Looking back at it now I understand it was fear.
The fear of not standing up for myself. The fear of nothing being good enough. The fear of losing myself.
I loved you so much I put all my worth into you. I believed you when you said all those things. I actually believed you knew more about me than myself.
I betrayed myself for the man I thought I knew, a man I thought I needed. I broke my own heart loving you, trying to understand you and giving you a second chance.
I broke my heart when I started to believe that you were more valuable than me. You made me believe I couldn’t make it on my own. You made me believe I needed you to feel like I was worthy.
From a happy woman, I became a broken-hearted woman. I became so empty inside. I felt so imprisoned by my own feelings and you always made sure to make it even worse.
Through your lack of care, minimizing my feelings and ignoring my needs, you were inflicting my pain.
You didn’t care for me, you only cared for yourself. You felt safe when you were controlling me.
Once I realized my misery was caused by your selfishness and not by my insufficiency, I finally had the strength to move on. It took me a while, but I grew strong enough to leave you behind.
It was so hard to believe that you were the person who hurt me the most. My brain and my heart refused to accept that.
Now I want my heart back as it was. I want it whole and healthy.
I refuse to let my heart suffer for someone who didn’t even love me, for someone who didn’t care.
I don’t care about your apologies and I don’t care about your feelings. It’s too late. You had your chance and you blew it.
I’m starting things afresh. I’m taking care of myself and my heart. I made a promise to myself that my heart is the most precious thing I have and I’m not going to give it away unless someone truly deserves it.
I’m not going to fall for anyone who doesn’t prove himself to be worthy of my love, someone who treats me like I don’t have a mind of my own.
I want someone who will fight for my love and care for me like I’m the last girl on earth.
I want someone who will recognize and acknowledge my feelings without making me feel crazy.
Finally, I want someone who will make me feel safe to love fully without worrying if my love will be returned.
Until then I will love myself and I will heal myself, knowing I deserve to be loved as I am and I don’t need a man to prove that.
