I am not like the rest of the girls. I can’t relax because my overthinking makes it so damn difficult for me to do that. When you call me and tell me that you love me, I will overthink why you did it for no reason.
I will sweat the small stuff. I will constantly overanalyze everything you say. I won’t trust you because I will always be on alert that you might cheat on me. I will try to find the hidden meaning behind every sentence that you say.
I know that I am not easy to love. I know it is hard for you to love someone like me. I am sorry if my overthinking makes me difficult to love. I am not doing that on purpose. It is the way I am, and I can’t change. And only God knows how much I would love to.
I am like this because I am terrified of the bad things that could happen in the future. I do all of this because I want to be ready for them. I don’t want you to cheat on me and that I missed seeing all the red flags.
I want to be careful when it comes to love because I have been hurt so many times before. And I don’t want to go through another breakup while my world is falling apart.
That’s why I will go through every situation that we had or we will have with enormous attention. And I know that I will be more pessimistic even if things are not so bad. I will constantly worry that you will have had enough of me and that you will go with someone else…
With someone who is not so damn hard to love. With someone who is not as fucked up as I am. And because of all these things, I won’t be able to show you how much I actually love you. I will overanalyze every touch, every kiss, and if it is not like I expected it to be, I will be worried that you will leave.
Every single fight with you will hurt me because I pay attention to the things I shouldn’t. Every joke that you make about me will make me think I am not worthy or enough for you. And that feeling will eat me alive.
I will always be on the alert, thinking that only bad things will happen to me. Like I don’t deserve anything good to happen to me. And since I will be so preoccupied with all the negativity in my life, I will pass on all those beautiful things that life offers me.
I will use all my free time to think about the things that happened years ago between you and me. And I will wish that I could have been stronger while I was fighting with you.
I will make a scenario about the fight we didn’t have just to be prepared for it when it happens.
Don’t think that I am trying to make problems where they don’t exist. In all this mess, I am just trying to protect my heart from being broken again. I just want to prevent getting hurt again.
You see, I want to have control all the time and be prepared for everything because if not, when that happens, I won’t know what to do.
And when something really nice happens to me, I won’t be able to enjoy it because I will preoccupied with thinking that something bad will happen to me.
I will believe that God will punish me for being so happy. I will always think that if something good happens that something bad has to happen to make a balance.
I am sorry if I won’t be able to talk to you all the time. I will sometimes need time to be alone with my thoughts. I know that I won’t come up with anything smart, but it will help me relax.
So, please don’t be harsh on me because there is an inner fight all the time, and it prevents me paying attention to you. I am sorry if my overthinking makes me difficult to love.
I just want you to know that there is so much love inside of me and that I want to give it to you. I just need you to be patient, understanding and accept me the way I am.
I don’t want to be worried that you will take advantage of me.
But most of all, I don’t want to be worried that you will you make me transform into someone who is incapable to love again.