If someone asked you how I feel about you, you would probably tell them that I’d forgotten all about you a long time ago. You would probably tell them how I’d moved on a while ago and that you are just a part of the past for me now. You would probably tell them that you are certain that you never cross my mind and that I don’t have any feelings for you left.

And I am certain that this is what you really think. I am certain of this because I made sure that you think this way. I tried very hard to prove to you that I don’t care for you any longer and I think I succeeded in convincing you that is true. I’ve never tried contacting you and I never gave you any signals that would make you think I still love you. So it is obvious that you probably think there is no love left for you inside of me.

But you have no idea how wrong you actually are. And I am glad that this is the case. You have no idea how much I miss you and that is something I hope you’ll never find out.

This is something nobody around me knows. Yes, the people close to me knew how much I suffered for you and they knew that I was devastated when you walked away from me. They knew that you broke my heart and that it took me a long time to recover from all the things you did to me. But they all think I am way better now. They all think that you are just a distant memory for me and that you just represent a lesson from the past. They all think I am completely indifferent toward you and that I don’t have any feelings left for you. But actually, nobody knows the real truth.

And it even took me a lot of strength to accept it. I lied to myself for a long time. I pretended I didn’t care for you because it was easier for me to handle our break-up and my heartbreak this way. It was more than enough that my heart and soul were shattered into pieces and I simply couldn’t allow for my ego to be hurt as well. So I didn’t want to face the real truth. I was pretending to be tough and insensitive even in front of myself.

This worked out just fine for some time. Whenever you crossed my mind, somehow I would manage to chase those thoughts away. And I’ve tried dating other guys. But somehow, every one of these guys was missing something. Now I know that none of them was you and that this was the real reason I didn’t like them. And that was something I refused to accept.

But when I saw you for the first time after you left me, that was when I couldn’t pretend I didn’t love you anymore. All my feelings for you came back the moment I saw your face, the moment I heard your voice and the moment I saw you smiling at me. All the love and all the pain came back. Actually, I realized none of it was ever gone; I had just buried all those feelings deep inside of me, thinking they would disappear that way.

But when you looked me straight in the eye, the way you did before, I had to face the fact that I still love you, despite all the efforts I’ve put into getting over you. That was when I realized I was in love with you like the first day. And that was when I realized I had no control over my feelings for you whatsoever.

But it doesn’t mean I’ve allowed for you to see it. On the contrary, I acted like everything was going great in my life and like I had just seen an old acquaintance. I acted completely indifferent toward you.

And I am glad that I did.

Because I don’t want you to ever find out how I feel every time someone mentions your name, every time I see someone who looks like you or every time I smell the scent of your aftershave. I don’t want you to know that I am still stuck in the same spot where you left me and that I haven’t moved an inch.

But most of all, I don’t want you to ever be aware of how hard I tried to kill this love I feel for you. And I don’t want you to know that I’ve obviously failed in doing so. I don’t want you to know that you still have full control over me, despite everything you did to me. I don’t want you to ever find out that I was obviously too weak to fight these emotions I feel for you.

Because that is something you don’t deserve to know.