Have you ever felt like you can’t control your emotions? As if your heart picks up a fight with your head every time it wants to beat?
Well, that is exactly how I feel every time I think about you. Every time, missing you overwhelms me to the point where I have trouble breathing and not being next to you starts to physically ache my entire being.
That is how I feel whenever I think of all the years I wasted on holding on to the memory of you, knowing very well that I never cross your mind. Whenever I have to admit to myself that sadly, I still love you with all of my being.
That is exactly how I feel every time I miss you, knowing that I shouldn’t. Knowing that you don’t deserve me giving you another thought. Knowing that I should kick you out of my system, the same way I kicked you out of my life ages ago.
I want you to stop existing inside of me. I want to forget that you were ever a part of my life. I want you to die in my memory.
I want to stop replaying our entire relationship back and forth in my head. To stop thinking about all the chances we didn’t take. About everything we could have become.
I want you to stop being the first thing that comes to mind every morning I wake up. To be able to sleep at night without having to delude myself, imagining that you’re on the other side of the bed, just an arm’s stretch away.
I want to stop hoping it’s you calling me every time my phone rings. To stop expecting you to show up out of nowhere, telling me that you can’t get me out of your head either.
Every time I even think of missing you, I want to remind myself of all the awful things you did to me. To remember how you never loved me enough. How I spent years beside you settling for crumbs. To remember how you let me go, without moving an inch to at least try to keep me around.
I want to be able to forgive you for all the pain, all the humiliation, and all the traumas you left behind. To forget about revenge and resentment that have been eating me alive. I want to erase you from my memory.
I want to be smarter and wiser. I want to know better.
I want to let go of the past and finally move on with my life, the same way you did. I want to see you as nothing more than a lesson that made me stronger.
I want to stop loving you, stop wanting you, and stop missing you.
Because, let’s face it, you’re not the man who should be missed. After all, what exactly is it that I miss?
Do I miss those lonely nights I spent while you were heating someone else’s bad? All those phone calls you never returned?
All those years I wasted, waiting for you to come to your senses and become the man I always needed you to be? All those times you made me feel like your second choice?
Do I miss never being certain about your feelings? All the time I spent trying to figure you out and the fact that I was the only one trying to make something out of our relationship?
Do I miss how you spat on everything I gave you? How you never appreciated my efforts and sacrifices; how you demanded everything and ended up giving nothing in return?
Do I miss the constant fighting and drama? Do I miss having someone emotionally abuse me and make me feel like I was never enough?
Because if I do, I must be crazy and stupid. However, despite this, the devastating truth is that my heart wants you back, even though it shouldn’t.
My body, senses, and emotions want to go back to our rare happy days. I want to run back into your arms, as if time hadn’t passed.
Yes, I’m that stupid. I’m that weak that I don’t have the capacity to order my heart or take control over it.
I guess I’m not strong enough to control my thoughts, desires, and emotions. Not strong enough to stop missing you.