We never dated. But we almost did. I could never refer to you as my boyfriend and our relationship was never labeled.
As a matter of fact, there doesn’t exist any real trace of you being a part of my life, besides the scars on my heart. I don’t have any proof that once upon a time, you were mine. But I know very well it is nothing but the truth.
While I was with you, I never knew whether I was officially single or taken. I don’t have photos of you that I ought to delete from my social media accounts. My family won’t ask me where you disappeared to and I can’t tell anyone that I am a mess because I broke up with my boyfriend.
So, maybe I am not entitled to suffer. Maybe I don’t have the right to cry over losing someone I never had. Maybe I don’t have the right to feel like my entire world collapsed and as if my heart was crushed into a million tiny pieces.
But here I am, feeling exactly like this. Here I am, missing you like hell and feeling like I am going to die without you.
Here I am, wondering why I was never enough to be your girlfriend. Here I am, asking for closure and wondering why we never made it.
We were never officially a couple. But we both know that we were actually much more than that.
We never dated. But we kissed. We hugged, we cuddled and we slept in each other’s arms. We woke up next to one another and I spent numerous nights listening to the sound of your breathing.
We were never a couple and we weren’t friends. But you did come to me every time you needed a shoulder to cry on. You did count on me and you did ask me for advice.
I was never your girlfriend. But you did act jealous every time a guy tried to flirt with me and every time you thought that someone else was getting my undivided attention.
We were never in a labeled relationship. But I sure did feel like I was taken, even though I never admitted it, not even to myself.
You never told me you loved me but you did act that way most of the time. You tried your best for me to feel wanted and loved, when it was suitable for you.
Now, after everything that went on, I know that you never loved me. Because you don’t do this to the one you love.
Instead, you loved having someone around and you loved always having a backup plan. You loved having someone to take care of you and you loved the way I loved you more than anything, even though I never said it out loud.
So, no, we never dated but you did break my heart. And you did it by leading me on, without ever planning on choosing me for real. By giving me false hope that one day, things would change.
For years, you played with my mind and heart. Whenever you saw that I was about to walk away from you, you would give me crumbs of your love and attention just so you could keep me around. You sent me mixed signals, always leaving me wondering what was going on between us.
And the worst part is not that you never loved me the way I loved you. The worst part is that you dragged me down on purpose.
The worst part is that all this time, you knew how I felt and instead of walking away from me the moment you saw that you could never love me back, you kept stringing me along. You kept dragging me into this endless circle of your unrequited love.
And then, when you got tired of me, you left me without saying a word. You left without giving me closure and without giving me an explanation I deserved.
You see, I have the full right to know what happened because you were the one who let me fall for you like an idiot. You were the one who played me and the one who left me hanging so you are the one who carries all the responsibility for my pain and my broken heart.
And that has nothing to do with the fact that I was nothing more than your almost.
I am an English Language and Literature teacher. I am a writer. I am a daughter, a sister, a friend… But most of all, I am a woman, just like you.
A woman who has experienced the same things you’ve been going through. A woman who’s been fighting battles similar to yours. A woman who wants you to learn from her mistakes and who wants to help you empower yourself.