When I think of you, somehow I manage to forget everything bad that happened between us. I’ve managed to forget all the pain you caused me and all the toxicity in our relationship.
Somehow, I’ve managed to forget all the tears I cried because of you and everything I went through in our relationship. I don’t know how but with time, I’ve managed to forget your jealousy, your manipulations and your emotional abuse.
I’ve forgotten how you made me feel worthless and how you caused me to question myself and everything I was doing.
I’ve forgotten how you always blamed me for everything wrong in our relationship. How you did everything that was in your power to make me feel guilty and to convince me I deserved everything bad that was happening to me.
I’ve forgotten about all the times you insulted and belittled me and about all the times you made me feel bad about myself.
Somehow, I’ve even forgotten about the pain you put me through when you left me. I’ve even forgotten about the fact that you walked away from me. That you abandoned me and never looked back. That you didn’t care about my feelings or how everything you did made me feel.
I’ve forgotten how you moved on with your life, as if I was never a part of it. How you didn’t think about me even for a second, about what would happen to me.
You know, I was scared.
I was petrified that I wouldn’t be able to function without you. I was certain that my life lost all of its meaning without you in it and that I would be lost all by myself.
I was scared that you’d forget all about me and that you would continue living your life as soon as you found another victim.
And that was exactly what happened.
But somehow, I’ve survived.
The same way I survived our toxic relationship. And the same way I survived you leaving me, although I thought that would kill me.
I’ve survived almost all of my fears. Don’t get me wrong—it didn’t happen because I managed to overcome and outgrow them.
No, I’ve survived almost all of my fears related to you because they all came to life. And none of them killed me.
But the strongest one remained.
You might find this funny but despite everything that happened between us, I only remember the beautiful things. Because let’s face it—we have some amazing memories.
But most of all, I remember how I loved you.
And my biggest fear is connected exactly to my love for you.
You might find this funny too but I’ve never loved anyone else the way I loved you. I know this probably sounds like an empty phrase or a cliché but, sadly for me, it’s the only truth.
Years have passed since you and I were together but I’ve never grown to love anyone the way I loved you. Don’t get me wrong—I am not telling you I still love you because I don’t think I do. I am just telling you that the love I felt for you can’t be compared with anything else I’ve experienced in my life.
I know that is not how things should be. I know that love is the last emotion I should connect to you. I know you are the last man who deserves to have the title of the most loved person in my life.
But that is not something I can control. And that is not something I chose.
What I am afraid of is that I will never love someone the way I loved you.
I am scared that I will spend my entire life remembering you and thinking about everything that went on between us.
I am petrified that years will pass and that you’ll still be the man I loved the most.
That I will compare my feelings for every man in my future with the way I loved you. And that no love for any other man will ever come close to the love I felt for you.
That I will get married, have kids and that I will grow old without ever loving someone the way I loved you.
I am scared that you will forever stay the most important person in my life, while you will never even think of me.