You know, when hearts break, they never break even. Out of us two, I think mine got broken more than yours did. To be honest, I’m not sure if your heart broke at all. If it hurt you just for a second or if you just for a second paused and wondered how I am.
Actually, I’m pretty sure that while I was having trouble falling asleep, you were sleeping like a baby. Knowing that you’re okay while I was feeling like the biggest wreck made me fall into pieces even more. And there wasn’t a single night that I haven’t wondered what was it that I did wrong. Where did I fail; what was my mistake that made you so indifferent to my feelings?
I beat myself down for so long. I hated myself for not having you and accepting the fact that I don’t actually have you anymore was as painful as the heartbreak itself. At some point, I hated myself for losing you. And I kept thinking it was my fault and that if I tried harder if I did some things differently, we might’ve still been together. But there isn’t anything else I could have done to make you stay.
I gave you my best. I tried harder than I have ever tried and although I wasn’t perfect, I tried to be perfect just for you. I accepted you just the way you are with all your imperfections, but you were never really ready to do the same for me. That’s when I realized I actually did all I could, but even that wasn’t enough to make you stay. Because you were never truly meant to stay.
For a long time, I stayed depressed. For a long time, I trapped myself in the past replaying old movies in my head and trying to figure out everything that has happened. I had trouble getting out of the bed and when I actually made myself get up, I’d stand in front of the mirror and watch the stranger staring back at me. And seeing a stranger in the mirror can be pretty ugly you know.
I’ve heard so many people with different resolutions for this year. But I only have one—to stop beating myself down and finally accept the truth.
I think I’m finally ready to accept it wasn’t my fault. You treated me badly anyway and then you walked away. Instead of embracing my life once toxicity left me, I stayed clinging to the pain you caused me. You have this habit of making me feel like everything’s my fault and I guess when you walked away from my life, you left that one part of you to forever remain carved into my skin. And for a long time, it stayed a part of me as well, but now I’m finally ready to wash away all your marks on my skin.
I’m finally capable of understanding that nothing I did could make you stay. I went through the mourning phase, I went through my anger phase and now I’m finally at the acceptance phase. And in this phase, I’m accepting that you were just another toxic person in my life that I didn’t notice right away. That you’re just someone who entered my life to teach me a lesson, break my heart and someone who was bound to walk away once his job was done. But I feel that the hell you’ve put me through and the hell I put myself through somehow made me feel stronger.
I’ve finally got on good terms with myself to be able to accept that it’s not that I wasn’t good enough. Because in life, if the person makes you feel like you’re not good enough, it’s the person that’s wrong and not something with you. You constantly made me feel this way. You made me feel like nothing I did was either enough or right. And this year I’m finally ready to accept it was you who wasn’t right.
I’m done apologizing or wishing you back. I’m no longer allowing myself to be a victim or to dim my voice or apologize for the things I wasn’t guilty of. And I’m done allowing you to project your insecurities on me. All I wanted was to love you and be loved by you. But all I got was broken. So there is no point in wishing to go back to something that was bad for me. I wish I realized this earlier, but it’s never too late.
I’m no longer afraid to lose what wasn’t meant to be. I’m no longer afraid to let go of someone who wasn’t good to me. I’m no longer blaming myself for things I’m not guilty of. This year I’m finally ready to accept it wasn’t my fault and move on. I’m finally ready to walk through this year without the burden of the failed relationship.