You know how it feels to miss someone to the bones? You feel like you want to die and like every breath you take causes you enormous pain.
And when I say pain, I really mean pain.
You feel like there is this big knife stabbing the inside of your stomach and you can’t do anything to make things easier for yourself.
You feel like someone is physically hurting you whenever you think of this person.
And you think of them all the time. You think about them every second of every minute of every day.
This person is the first thing that crosses your mind the moment you wake up and the last image you see when you are about to go to sleep.
And no, time doesn’t make things better for you. Instead, you feel like you miss them more and more with every day that passes without them by your side.
And you would do literally anything in your power just to have them back. Just to kiss them one more time or to see them smiling back at you.
But guess what? I am sure as hell that I miss you but I don’t feel any of these things. Yes, I’ve been through all of this but that period is behind me now.
Now I know that the worst is over and I know I won’t die without you in my life. Now I know that I’ve survived you.
But the state I am currently in is maybe even more dangerous than this what I’m describing. And it is definitely more permanent.
You remember what you loved about me the most?
You know how I was always full of emotions? How you always kept telling me that sometimes I acted like a little child?
You remember how you could see every single one of my emotions in my eyes?
You remember how I cried? And also how I laughed? How I would get angry? Or scared that I would end up losing you?
Remember how I had no trouble expressing what I felt and how I was a girl who knew how to embrace both her happiness and her sadness?
Remember how I enjoyed every breath I took? How I was always looking forward to each new day that came?
Will, guess what? I didn’t die when you left me but the girl I used to be did. She simply ceased to exist and you killed her.
The truth is that I’ve become completely indifferent ever since you left me and ever since my mourning phase ended.
And that’s what I’m trying to tell you—I don’t feel sadness for your departure anymore.
I don’t cry anymore and I don’t feel like I’m going to burst into tears every time someone mentions you.
I don’t feel like my heart is breaking all over again every time I think of you.
I simply feel nothing.
And someone might think that this is a great thing. That this means that I am finally over you.
But the fact is that I don’t feel anything about anything in my life. All I feel is this huge void and emptiness.
I feel like my life lacks color and like it has become black and white without you in it.
Yes, looking from a brighter perspective, nothing can make me sad anymore. I don’t get hurt as easily.
I don’t get surprised when someone disappoints me or abandons me. But on the other hand, nothing makes me happy like it used to either.
I don’t get excited about the little things anymore. I forgot how to enjoy the sunset or the smell of the ocean.
I forgot how it is to be thrilled about something you accomplished. I forgot how it feels to be proud of yourself.
I forgot how it feels to hope.
The truth is that this saved me from a lot of emotional pain but it has also made me feel like I am a mechanical creature, doing everyday activities and chores without the slightest sign of any emotion—positive or negative.
The truth is that all of this has made me forget how to love.
Yes, it has helped me stop loving you. But it has also made me forget how to love others. And most of all—it has made me forget how to love myself.