You were the man I loved the most in my life. That love consumed me completely and I ceased to exist outside of it. When I met you, I was certain I’d finally found my other half, my soulmate. From that moment on, I felt that all of my problems would be easy to resolve, as long as you were holding my hand.
From the very beginning, I knew you had troubles. I saw you were emotionally unavailable and that you had deep issues that needed to be resolved. I didn’t want to accept that you were actually toxic and instead of staying away from you, I thought I would be the one to save you. Instead of accepting that you were bad for me and everyone around you, I saw you as a lost little boy who needed my help and guidance. I was convinced that I was your savior, your superwoman who would change all of your ways. I thought I would be the one to give you faith in love and in people in general. And most of all, I wanted to bring you back faith in yourself, because I was certain you’d lost it. I wanted for you to see yourself the way I saw you and I wanted for you to love yourself the way I loved you. And I wanted for you to love me the way I loved you.
With time, I saw that I’d actually started living your life. I dedicated my entire being to you only. You became the center of me and my reason for living.
But even that wasn’t enough. Even that couldn’t change you and the way you treated me. Even that couldn’t make you love me the way I deserved to be loved. And even that couldn’t make you stay by my side and couldn’t stop you from leaving.
And that is something I am finally OK with. That is something I’ve learned to accept and something I’ve learned to live with.
So I am here to tell you my life isn’t over just because you walked away from it.
I am here to tell you I survived. I survived you and everything you did to me. And I didn’t do it because of you—I did it just for me and for my own good. I am not going to lie to you—it was anything but easy. There were moments when I thought I would die without you and there were mornings when I wished I hadn’t woken up. But all of that is behind me now.
I am here to tell you that you didn’t change me. I am still the same person I was before I met you. Yes, I became more careful about the people I let into my life but I still believe there is good in everyone. You didn’t manage to make me a toxic person and you didn’t manage to transfer your negativity to me and that is my biggest success.
I am here to tell you that I am stronger than ever. Before you, I was certain I couldn’t deal with life’s difficulties. I thought of myself as weaker than I actually am. If you hadn’t been in my life, I would never have known how much I could actually take. I would never have known how brave and powerful I am. I would never have known that I am stronger than everything life puts in front of me and that is something you can never take away from me.
I am here to tell you that you did break my heart but you didn’t break me. At first, I did see myself broken into pieces. But I’ve managed to pick up those pieces and to glue myself back together. You didn’t break my spirit and you didn’t spiritually kill me, as much as you tried.
You Were The First – Healing Sessions
Saturday 26th of November 2022
[…] part of me did really die that day you left me. My heart was shattered into a million pieces. I didn’t want to move on… not without […]