It took me more time than I would like to admit, but I’ve finally accepted the awful truth—you were, are, and always will be a toxic, narcissistic and selfish asshole. I’ve come to terms with the fact that you were never right for me and that giving you a huge part of my life was the biggest mistake I could ever have made. Nevertheless, for a long time, I failed to get to the bottom of one thing; for a long time I kept wondering whether you ever loved me or not.
On the one hand, there were days when you were doing everything in your power to hurt me as much as possible, as if breaking my heart was your only final goal. Days when you were trying hard to make my life a living hell and when you acted like you can’t stand my guts.
There were moments in which you were making me feel so worthless, when you abused me in every possible way, without ever thinking how all of it made me feel. Moments when you treated me like your worst enemy and when it appeared like torturing me was your biggest pleasure.
Moments when you made me wonder why I wasn’t enough for you to love me for real and what had I done to deserve you treating me like that. When you managed to enter my head, making me question myself and my own worth, while believing you that I really had all of this coming.
However, there also existed the other side of the coin. Besides being an abuser, at times, you were also the most loving and caring man on the planet.
Every time I begged you to end things because I didn’t have the strength to do so and every time I threatened to leave you, you would turn into the man I had fallen in love with. You would beg me to give you just one more chance and that everything between us would turn out for the better.
And silly me believed your empty promises every single time. I guess I couldn’t grasp how it was possible for a man who doesn’t want to leave you at all costs to not give a damn about you.
So, you must have loved me, right? Otherwise, why would you have fought so hard to stay by my side each time I wanted to end our relationship? Why would you have acted like you could never imagine your life without me and as if you sincerely repented all the horrible things you were doing to me?
You must have loved me in a way. Otherwise, you would have left me a while ago.
BULLSHIT! Now, after all this time and after I’ve finally gotten rid of you, I see the real truth. Now I know that you never loved me, since you are not capable of loving.
You were just staying by my side because I was a convenient victim for your abuse. All of that time, you just enjoyed having someone to boost your ego, someone to love you no matter what you did, and someone to always be there for you as your safety net.
You were just taking advantage of the fact that I was so crazy for you that I failed to see your true colors. You stuck by my side because I made you feel better about yourself and because I was the only person in the entire world who still saw something good in you.
Yes, it took me a while to understand all of this but when I finally did, it liberated me in a way. Realizing this helped me see things more clearly and get to the bottom of our relationship.
It helped me stop blaming myself for all the harm you did, and it helped me see that there was nothing I could ever have done for you to love me the way I loved you. To stop thinking of myself as a fool for not cutting all ties with you sooner and for not kicking you out of my system on time.
Most importantly, it helped me see that having the strength to walk away from you was the best choice of my life. Your toxicity made me realize that you never deserved me, and it made me not want to go back to you ever again.
A teacher. A dreamer. A writer. A woman who’s been through all of the things you are going through. A woman who’s learned on her mistakes and whose advice you can trust. A woman who is trying to find her place under the stars. A woman just like you.