Have you ever felt like the guy you are dating is taking you for a ride on an emotional roller coaster that doesn’t seem to stop? I bet you have. Because the dating scene has become filled with men who look at dating and relationships as a game; a game of blowing hot and cold, to be precise.
The blowing hot and cold psychology seems easy to detect when you are just a bystander. But when you are the one who is pulled into that emotional roller coaster, easy becomes difficult. Because no matter how evident the red flags may be, you are unable to see them clearly or you feel so much that you are willing to look past all the signs of danger around you.
Men who engage in the hot and cold dating game have established a well-known pattern of hot-cold-hot and because of it, you are able to foresee their next move. The pattern goes like this:
1. Blowing hot
He is the sweetest creature you have ever met. He is all over you. His texts are regular and he never misses out on a chance to send you a kiss goodnight. He plans dates. He sweeps you off of your feet on the first date. He seems kind and interested in everything you have to say. He has a sense of mystery attached to him that makes you want to get to know him better. You believe that if there is a perfect man for you out there, you have finally found him.
2. Blowing cold
All of a sudden, he pulls away, he is indifferent and his communication skills are minimal. He even disappears and you can’t make sense of anything. Everything seemed great. You haven’t had an argument. Nothing was off. And here you are, staring at the last text he completely ignored. He disappeared from the face of the earth and there is no way you can reach him. You then finally make your peace that everything ended and that there is nothing you can do about it.
3. Blowing hot (again)
Then out of the blue, here he is again. He reappears and wants to come back into your life. He acts like nothing happened and continues to behave like everything is great between the two of you. If you play along, he will continue to text and ask you out when it best suits him. If you ask him where he went off to, you will get a series of well-established excuses of how he just needed some space, how he was busy, how he had some personal things to deal with and didn’t want to get you in the middle of all of that. Whatever you choose to do, he will return to his cold mode again.
So you see, the blowing hot and cold pattern is highly predictable but the thing is, once you cross paths with someone who is an expert at this dating game, you will be hooked at stage one #blowinghot. He will awake feelings in you that are so strong that you will find yourself going against your better judgment.
The thing you have to realize is that he knows exactly what he is doing and that stage one is the most important one. He is love bombing you to keep you hooked. When a man engages in love bombing, he is openly showing his infatuation with you, he makes an actual effort to keep you happy and he uses any means necessary.
It can be something as simple as sending good morning and goodnight texts, sweet, flattering words, paying attention to the little things, or love paragraphs glued to your mirror or stuck in your car window. The point is, he will go above and beyond to make you happy and make you fall for him hard. So hard you will be able to forgive the freezing cold period.
The essence of the blowing hot and cold psychology is to keep you interested, no matter what. He uses the good times to make up for all the bad ones. He uses games to keep you close but not too close. He knows just the right amount to give you enough to hold on to but never enough to feel safe and entirely loved. He always leaves you guessing and questioning his intentions.
He knows that no woman will put up with such poor behavior right from the start, that’s why this initial hot period is inevitable. He is luring you in with the perfect beginning. His behavior is impeccable and he treats you like you always wanted to be treated, so you can’t help but interpret it as something that has potential for greatness.
That’s why every time a cold period comes along again, you go back to that perfect beginning in your mind and you keep hoping that things are going to be great again. They won’t. This initial hot period and all the later hot periods are just a part of his game plan.
Things get worse and worse. And every time he comes back again, he is blowing hot, his excuses get better, his efforts become bigger, and he gets your hopes back up, just so he can bring them back down.
But the hot and cold game will exhaust even the most powerful feelings. Mixed signals and inconsistency will drain you of all your emotions, bit by bit. You will try to make sense of things. You will yearn for some reasonable answers. You want things to work so badly that you start believing in his lame excuses. But whatever you do, you go back to that never-ending emotional roller coaster and it’s only a matter of time before you will jump out of it.
If you still believe that there is the slightest chance of change, your best option is to confront him, speak openly and tell him to stop playing games, tell him that you are sick and tired of him blowing hot and cold and making a mess out of your emotions. If he stops, there is still some hope. But nine times out of ten he won’t stop because deep down he really doesn’t want things to be different. He is comfortable with the way things are now.
He is fine with the way things are now. He has you close but he is keeping his distance. His blowing hot and cold psychology came with your approval. You allowed him to come back into your life one time and he now believes that he can do it for as long as he wants.
The sad reality is that he probably can’t or won’t change. There is no goodness in him because he clearly lacks empathy. He doesn’t care about all the pain and suffering he is bringing into your life. He only cares about himself. He will always play hot and cold to hide the fact that he is emotionally unavailable and totally unprepared to have or sustain a meaningful relationship.
A real relationship won’t involve a man who is blowing hot and cold. It will involve a man who won’t use mind games to keep you hooked, a man who is consistent and sure about you and his feelings toward you. A man who is there to stay and to try to see where things go.
You have to leave that toxic situation because nobody can do it for you. You have to stop letting him into your life for your own sake and admit to yourself that you deserve way more than an immature man who is just playing games with your feelings and wasting your time. He likes having you around but only when it suits him. The moment something doesn’t, he will be out of there for as long as he wants.
At the back of his mind, he will know that he has the option to come back, he will use the fact that you care about him. He will keep you on the bench till someone else to play with comes along. Deny him that satisfaction, don’t allow him to come and go from your life. Don’t allow him to treat you like a toy, stop the game.