I wanted to write this letter years ago, but every time I would sit down and start typing, I would somehow forget all that I wanted to tell you.
Suddenly, there would be a mix of feelings inside me, and so many thoughts kept rushing to my head that I didn’t know what to write anymore.
No matter how much effort I made, I couldn’t find words strong enough to touch you.
There wasn’t a magic word I could say to have you here in my arms.
You weren’t someone who would fall for his child’s tears nor were you someone who could feel empathy.
Thank God, I am not like you because only a heartless person can stay immune to the tears of a child.
You know, there is an old saying that all the ideals in the world are not worthy of one child’s tear.
Somehow, whenever I think of you, I get to remember that saying. I feel it wants to tell me something.
Maybe that I should never forgive you for leaving me alone while I was crying and begging you not to leave.
Maybe to have a heart that will be open for everyone except you because you don’t deserve it.
You lost every right to me the day you walked away through that door.
For you, I was just someone who kept you away from your wishes coming true. I was just a child who needed your care and your attention, but I never got it.
There were so many more important things to you than watching your child grow into a young woman.
You failed as a father, and you failed it hard. And that is something I will never forgive you for.
I will never forgive you for leaving me like I was nobody important to you.
I will never forgive you for giving me life but rejecting me the day you first saw me.
There isn’t anything more hypocritical than wanting a child but giving up on it as soon as you get it.
What did you think? Maybe you thought that I am someone you can leave whenever you want and come to when you wish.
Well, sorry to burst your bubble, but that is not a way a real dad acts toward his child. A real dad is there no matter what.
He is there to tell his wife that he will take care of the baby and that she should go to bed because she is tired of taking care of the baby every night.
Then, when he stays alone with that baby, he holds her in his arms, looking at her as if she is the most precious gift and thanking God for sending her to him.
He would tell her that he loves her so much and that he will never let anyone hurt her.
He would also fall in love with her eyes looking at him while trying to capture every change on his face.
He would fall for this young lady so hard while she wouldn’t have a clue about that.
Only the stars looking at the two of them would know that one girl will always be loved and taken care of.
Only they would know that for as long as her father is alive, she will have it all.
What a lovely story, right father? This could be us but you were a coward for leaving the only person you should be there for.
You left me, and you didn’t even think about how I would feel when I grow up and realize what you have done.
You didn’t care if I would ever think that the problem was in me. You left me to deal with my thoughts and the demons from my past on my own.
You didn’t want to help me because it was so much easier to leave and to enjoy life.
But now, when you are old and when you see me having a great life, you suddenly want to be a part of it.
Don’t you know that you can’t pop up in my life as you wish? You had to earn it, but you didn’t even make any effort.
So, don’t expect me to forgive you for not being there and to run into your arms because I won’t do it.
Even if you give me legit explanations about why you weren’t there, I won’t buy them.
You know why? Because there is no reason good enough for leaving a child. There is no reason good enough to leave your flesh and blood.
Parents don’t do that because they are the ones who need to take care of their kids.
They don’t run. They don’t hide from problems, and they cope with everything that life puts in front of them. But you weren’t strong enough to handle all of that, right?
It was much easier to leave me to my mom, so she could take care of me and provide me with all that I needed.
It was much easier to leave me to the only person who would die for me because in that way, you didn’t have to think whether I will be fine.
I was fine thanks to the world’s best mom, but there was a void that only your love could fill. And that place is still empty.
It still hurts, and it still reminds me of my bad luck. Maybe you think that you didn’t do anything bad, but the consequences are bigger than you think.
Because of you, I am constantly overthinking if I am good enough and if every man will leave me just like you.
Because of you, I can’t find peace, and I can’t stop thinking about what would have happened if you had stayed next to me.
I keep wondering what kind of a person I would have become if I had had both a mom and a dad, a normal and healthy family.
There isn’t a day when I don’t think about you and the effect you still have on me.
Isn’t it ironic that the man who is not even a part of my life is transforming my life into a living hell?
I know that I should forget all about you, but I can’t.
Unlike you, I have feelings and emotions. Unlike you, I am a human being who feels things that are not so obvious.
And no matter how many times I think about giving you a second chance, I somehow believe that by doing it, I would betray myself.
And that is the last thing I want now. If I betray myself choosing a man who didn’t want me, I will never be able to forgive myself.
So, ‘dear’ father, after all this time and after all this thinking, I still can’t forgive you for what you have done to me.
I can’t wish you ‘welcome’ into my life as if nothing has happened. My heart is simply not that open and good.
I guess blood calls to blood and that I am more like you than I thought.
Sunday 19th of March 2023
I felt that, every word, every feeling. The worse bit is mine doing his utmost to be "present" for his other womens children. No other man has been able to hurt me the way he did, so no I don't forgive mine either.
Monday 14th of November 2022
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Sunday 13th of November 2022
So I don't know your situation. Maybe your mum *was* the perfect mum you believe her to be. Some fathers do walk out on their kids of their own choice. But many others are pushed away by the mother. If you have ever seen the remorseless guilt and anguish a father who can't be with his children feels, then you would know that not all fathers who leave do it of their own choice. Many try and try but are unable to maintain any kind of relationship woth their child because the perfect mother has made sure they can't. The perfect mother is so focused on being the perfect mother to her child, she doesn't see how much harm she's doing to her child by severing that child's contact with their father.
I don't know if this is how it was for you. Rubbish, selfish dads exist just like "perfect", cruel and manipulative mothers exist. But what Ive described is what I've experienced. It does happen. Even if it's not how it happened for your father, it's really good to know that it does happen. Best of luck with dealing with all the rubbish you were dealt x