There is this old saying that goes something like this: A burnt child dreads the fire. You too, like a little child, have been burnt so hard that now even the smallest spark reminds you of a great fire.
You fear that what happened to you in your past might happen again. You fear that the abuse is not over and that somewhere another narcissistic psychopath is waiting for his prey.
You’re scared to become the victim of such torment again that you would rather choose not to let yourself fall in love again.
You’re making each and every new person who tries to walk into your life pay the price for the man who broke you in the past. God knows how long you’ve been doing this injustice to those who don’t deserve it.
I don’t think there is any need to ask you why you are doing it. You forgot your worth. Your past abuse made you feel worthless, made you feel weak and convinced you that you’re unable to take care of yourself.
But those are your lies. Those are hoovering tactics all narcissists use to suck you dry.
You are a strong woman who’s more than good enough. You’re an amazing human being who just fell for the wrong guy and that’s it. There is nothing wrong with you.
You were just convinced into giving all of yourself to the wrong guy and you got broken. But you need to learn to let go.
I know that the aftermath of abuse is horrible. I know it hurts and I know you’re lost. But you don’t have to be lost.
You have someone who’s willing to guide you toward the light. You only need to be willing to let go of the darkness.
Trust me, I know how it all feels. And I don’t want you to mess up a good thing because of the past. Missing a great man because of a toxic one who emotionally drained you is something you’ll regret for the rest of your life.
See, after my abuse, I just wanted to be left alone. I was so tired and so shattered that even all the glue in the world couldn’t put my broken pieces together.
I built walls, I guarded my heart and I promised myself that I was done with love for the rest of my life.
There was a whole life going on out there, outside of my walls but I wasn’t curious to peek out and see what it was all about.
There were people worthy of my attention wanting to get in but I wouldn’t let them. I just wanted to be left alone to drown myself in my own misery.
But then someone shook me out of my own pity. Someone took me by the hand, sat next to me and told me something I’ll never forget.
He told me: “Darling, life is meant to be shared and not lived alone. We’re all created from one soul divided into two parts. I know what happened to you makes you think that being alone is the best thing in this world and I know it feels comfortable now but one day it will be so lonely and dark, and by the time you realize that you would’ve pushed away all those who wanted to be there next to you.”
He also told me that I shouldn’t let my past destroy me but that I should make it a lesson I’d never forget.
He told me that there was more to life than allowing those who wanted to destroy me to see me at the bottom. He said: “That’s not how you win in life.
You win by being happy and continuing to live and love even after you’ve been through hell.
You win by showing that nothing can break you and that nothing can destroy your spark. You win by deciding to love again but this time by choosing the right guy to give your love to.”
After hearing these words, I was shook. I was shook because I didn’t even realize that guarding myself and choosing to live the rest of my life alone was the place where my abuser wanted me to be.
I was allowing him to win. And you’re making the same mistake. But I’m here to stop you from making that mistake.
I know something small triggers your memories. I know you don’t know how to react to love, kindness, warmth and dedication. I know commitment to you equals being trapped in a cage with the possibility of being abused once again. But there is a way around this, I swear.
Embrace your imperfect self. Love your flaws. Cherish your broken pieces. Appreciate the long road you’ve been down because it taught you something.
It taught you that you’re way stronger than you could ever think. It taught you that no matter what happens to you, you’re a fighter and you will survive. But please, don’t turn yourself into a living corpse.
You were convinced that you were not the kind of woman who’d ever be abused. You thought it’d never happen to you and you were caught off guard. It happened to me too. And to thousands of other women.
Honey, we’re all walking targets for narcissists, sociopaths and other abusers because we never see it coming.
They catch us off guard and for too long we stay in toxic relationships, unable to grasp what is going on, unable to leave.
And when we finally leave, we end up consumed by the shame, by the fact that we got turned into a victim.
But you can choose not to be a victim. You can choose to become a fighter.
You can choose to move on from the past. You can break free from those chains and choose to love despite your fear—only this time, be careful whom you give your heart to.
I know you’re scared and that you think it might happen again.
But what if your fear is pushing a good man away? What if all that’s going on in your head is making you pull back from a man who’s actually worthy of your love?
Years from now, we’ll be sorry we were so naive to fall for our abuser. Years from now, we’ll feel ashamed for allowing someone to treat us so badly. But I swear that years from now the thing we’ll regret the most is pushing away the one man who’d do anything, literally anything, for us.
The silver lining of your abuse is the fact that now you are wiser. Now you know how to spot an abuser and you know how to deal with him.
Don’t allow the fear of repeating the past stop you from living your life. Don’t cross love off of your life’s list just because you’re scared.
Not all men are abusers. Not all men want to take without giving anything in return. There are men who care, who genuinely care about you and your feelings.
There are men who will love you to the point of making you forget you were ever abused.
There is a man who’s ready to tiptoe around you until you’re ready to let him in. There is a man who’ll slowly put your demons to bed. There is someone whose love will light up your whole world.
Don’t let sparks of new love frighten you. Now you know which sparks will burn you alive and which will keep you warm.