It’s been three years and I can still taste your lips on mine, still feel your hand clasped in my hand, still feel your breath on my skin.
I never thought I would miss someone, or feel this heartbroken, for so long, but I do, and I just want it to end now. I want you gone from my mind, as my thoughts can’t take it anymore.
I want you to stop invading my daydreams, quit popping up out of nowhere and surprising me with the same pain and hurt, over and over again.
Please just pack your bags and leave my heart, as the place you made there no longer welcomes you.
You broke me when you used me and you used me because you were bored. You were bored of your mundane life, of your boring wife, of your boring job.
Wait… You had a wife? Funnily enough, I no longer feel guilty when I think of her, I just feel sorry for her, that she has you for a husband, that your kids will grow up with a liar and a cheat for a father.
Wait… You had kids, too? Oh yeah, so there were more people at risk of being hurt than just me when you decided you were bored, and that you needed a little fun, but you only ever thought of yourself.
Or should I say, you only ever thought with your dick.
I don’t pretend to myself that you ever loved me, because I know that you never did, and you never would, and it would probably hurt more if we couldn’t be together if we loved each other.
But my heart still wants me to pretend that you loved me, if only a little.
My poor, fragile heart that fell in love with you all those years ago, and pined for you, and missed you, and thought I would never see you again.
My poor, fragile heart, that went from that sad, unrequited love to finding you again, and knowing that you wanted me this time.
That poor, fragile heart was suddenly rich and strong, and longing for yours. But you never gave me your heart—not one piece of it.
You just wanted to screw me, talk to me about everything your wife didn’t want to discuss, and have fun with me, so I was your partner in bed, your emotional partner, and your fun friend, and yet you threw me away like I was nothing at the end of it all.
You always said, “It is what it is.” But that’s how you got away with not putting a label on us and how you convinced yourself it wasn’t that bad of a thing to do to your family, or to me—the one you knew had loved you for so many years.
When you sent me a private message on Facebook that day, I should have just ignored it or deleted you.
My heart will never forgive my brain for hitting the reply button. And I will never forgive you for breaking me like this.
by Selina Hallam