You’re in a new relationship. Everything seems to be going great except for one thing: your new partner has a high number of past lovers. To be honest, you don’t know what to do or how to feel about this.
Is this a red flag? Should it be a deal-breaker? Will it affect your current relationship?
If you’re struggling with these and similar thoughts, you’ve come to the right place. Here is a step-by-step guide for dating someone who has had many partners.
7 Things To Know Before Dating Someone Who Has Had Many Partners
If you’re dating someone who has had many partners, here are some things to keep in mind.
1. “Many” is relative
The first thing you must keep in mind is that just because you think someone has a high number of past partners doesn’t mean they’ve actually slept with a lot of people. There is no international scale that dictates what is too many and what number is enough.
“Many” is relative in this case. I’m asking you: how many are too many? Are we talking about 10 people? 15? 20?
What if someone considers a body count of five to be too much? At the same time, you think of it as acceptable.
Who are you to say that someone has slept with too many people? Who are you to judge someone’s sex life?
I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but it is the truth.
2. It shouldn’t concern you as much as it does
At the end of the day, this shouldn’t bother you as much as it does. I mean, it’s part of their past for a reason.
You should focus on how your partner treats you now. Focus on building a serious relationship with them instead of digging through their old wounds and demons.
If you look at things honestly, you’ll realize that their sexual past doesn’t affect your current relationship or life at all.
Does your partner love you any less because of their sexual activities before you? Do you think you’d be happier with someone who’s had fewer partners?
I think you and I both know the answer to each one of these questions.
3. Appreciate their honesty
Lets’s look at things this way: when you get in a new relationship, neither you nor your new partner have to talk about your numbers. This is a matter of privacy, and it’s rude to ask someone how many people they’ve slept with.
You don’t get to nag them about things that happened before you. Actually, you don’t even get to have an opinion on it.
But despite this, your SO decided to come clean. I mean, they could have lied about their numbers.
How would you know that they weren’t telling the truth? You can go through their life back and forth, through their social media, or talk to their friends, but you would still find out nothing.
Of course, something like that would make you a creep, but you see my point – they were in no way obligated to tell you the truth, especially if they knew it would cause them trouble.
So please don’t make them regret their honesty. Instead, appreciate it.
Your partner is obviously trying to build a healthy relationship with you based on trust.
4. More partners means more experience
Dating someone who has had many partners has its advantages. One of the first is their sexual experience.
It’s common sense – your SO has slept with numerous people. Therefore, they’ve had the chance to encounter different people with a wide range of sexual preferences.
Consequently, it all made them better and more skilled lovers. And who is the only one to now benefit from all of this experience?
Well, isn’t it obvious? It’s you! So instead of thinking about all the ways your partner’s sexual history has “harmed” you, see it as a blessing in disguise.
You’ve got yourself someone who knows what they like in bed and isn’t afraid to ask for it. You have someone who is not afraid of experimenting and, most importantly, someone who’ll probably teach you a lot of new things in the bedroom!
5. Fight your retroactive jealousy
I’ll tell you what’s probably bothering you here the most: you’re struggling with retroactive jealousy. If you don’t know what this means, let me fill you in: it’s jealousy over your partner’s past.
You’re jealous of their ex-partners, and you’re obsessed with the relationship(s) they had before you.
Well, this is something you have to fight off. I know that this is something you don’t want to hear, but this obsession is a deeper problem, regardless of your partner’s body count.
It’s one thing to be jealous of someone your SO is flirting with or talking to now. Even though that is not healthy either, retroactive jealousy is even worse.
I mean, let’s just look at things logically: you’re jealous of the people who were in your loved one’s life when you didn’t even exist. How crazy is that?
6. Health concerns
There is something you shouldn’t forget about when it comes to dating someone who has had many partners: your health. I don’t mean to call names, but people who have higher numbers also have a higher risk of STIs and STDs.
It’s pure math: the more people you sleep with, the greater the chances that you run into someone who isn’t careful about their sexual health.
That is why you should ask your new partner to get tested before sleeping with them for the first time. I mean, this is responsible behavior and something you should do with every new sexual partner, regardless of their past.
There is nothing they should get offended about here – this just shows that you’re both mature adults who take care of your health the way you should.
7. Their past made them who they are
You like this person, right? You’re even falling in love with them. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have had these concerns.
Well, guess what: everything they’ve been through (including their sexual experience) has shaped them into the person they are today. All of their serious relationships, breakups, hookups, online dating… Whatever they’ve been through, it made them who they are.
And trust me – you wouldn’t want it any differently. Why? Well, because if it weren’t for every single experience they had in the past, they wouldn’t be the person you’ve fallen in love with today.
Their past partners might have been mistakes, but they taught them some lessons. You might see their sexual history as a flaw, but you’re not perfect either.
Besides, if you love someone, you love their imperfections because they’re part of their unique personality.
3 Questions To Ask Yourself When Dating Someone Who Has Had Many Partners
Here’s a harsh truth: if you have a problem with the fact that your partner has slept with a lot of people, you don’t actually have a problem in your romantic relationship. You have a problem with the relationship you have with yourself.
But what is the root of that problem? Well, before answering this question, you’ll have to ask yourself these ones:
1. Is it a part of the past?
When you’re dating someone who has had many partners, you must ask yourself if they’ll continue being promiscuous. Does their past impact their faithfulness to you? Are they able to have a committed relationship?
If you’re certain that all of their previous partnerships are really in the past, where they belong, then what do you have to worry about?
Once again, let me remind you that all of this happened before you came along. After all, you have a past as well, and nobody is allowed to judge you for it.
However, if you think that you’re dealing with someone who’ll continue with their sexual practices, despite being in a serious relationship with you, then you’ve got yourself a problem.
2. What am I worried about?
The next question is why you’re worried about their sexual past. As harsh as this might sound, this is exclusively your problem, not theirs. And you have to dig deep inside yourself to find the cause of it.
Fragile ego
Your insecurities are the core problem here. Whether you like to admit it or not, you’re worried that you won’t be able to satisfy your SO the way their exes did.
You’re worried that you’re not as good a lover as some of them were, and you keep wondering if you’re worthy for this person to stick around.
At the same time, what concerns you is your body count as well. If you’ve slept with fewer people than your SO, you can’t help but wonder: Are you less attractive than them? Why did fewer people want to sleep with you? Are they actually out of your league?
Social norms
Are you worried about what people might say? This might be especially true if you’re a man whose girlfriend has slept with many people before you.
You refuse to admit this, but deep down, you’re scared that people will laugh at you. Maybe someone will tell you that your girl is promiscuous or insult her in a worse way.
What if you come across some of the men she’s slept with? How will you look your family and buddies in the eyes if they’re familiar with your GF’s reputation?
If these questions bother you, you’ve got a deeper problem than your GF’s body count. You’re obviously a people pleaser who lets others dictate their way of life.
Trust issues
Does your partner’s sexual history concern you because you don’t trust them enough? Do you think that they’ll continue sleeping around despite being in a relationship with you?
Once again, you have a deeper issue here. Let me tell you something: you can be involved with a virgin who will cheat on you if that is their intention.
If there are some serious trust issues in your relationship, that is what you need to work on instead of dealing with your SO’s past.
3. Will it influence our relationship?
The main question you have to ask yourself is if this issue from the past will impact your relationship. I’m not here to judge you for being bothered by this.
However, if you think you’re not up for dating someone who has had many partners, you should be honest with your SO about it.
Things won’t change. Their past partners won’t magically vanish, and their body count won’t reduce.
Therefore, you have to ask yourself if this is something you can live with or not. Don’t act like everything is perfectly okay, and then be resentful about it in the future.
8 Reasons Someone Has Had A Busy Love Life
Not everyone’s high numbers are there for the same reason. And for you to understand your current partner, you have to know why they behaved as they did in the past. Here are the most common reasons someone has had many sexual relationships.
Some single people jump from one fling to another because they’re commitmentphobes who are actually scared of getting too attached. They are emotionally unavailable and run for their lives the moment they see things are starting to get serious.
But at the same time, they have physical needs, don’t they? Well, these two things combined resulted in their high numbers.
2. Or emotionally unstable
Dating someone who has had many partners is not a big deal. However, dating an emotionally unstable person who doesn’t know what they want is an issue that should concern you.
Emotionally unstable people are actually desperately looking for love. They suffer from different mental health issues and traumas, and jumping from one bed to another is their unhealthy way of dealing with this.
Maybe they’re healing their inner child. Nevertheless, they’re trying to get the affection and the love they lack in all the wrong ways.
If this is why someone is sleeping around, this person needs therapy.
3. Searching for the one
If your partner has slept with too many people, it is possible that they were searching for their forever person all along. They idealized every romance they’ve gotten themselves into, thinking that this time will be different, and they’ve finally found someone to grow old with.
It’s easy for them to fall in love and even easier to fall out of love. In that case, they’re not promiscuous – you’re actually dealing with a hopeless romantic.
4. Fear of missing out
Some people sleep around because they’re afraid to settle down. They’re scared that they’ll miss out on something and just want to take in everything life has to offer. And having sex with different people is one of those things.
They’re just living every day as if it were their last. They enjoy every breath they take. And as long as they’re not harming anyone in the process, it’s their right to live like this.
5. They don’t settle for less
Here’s another reason for a high past partnership number: refusing to settle for less. Your partner knows what they deserve, and they don’t plan on sticking with someone who can’t give them that.
So, they grew a habit of walking away at the first sign of trouble. They don’t wait for things to magically become better. Instead, they get back into the dating pool and look for the next person who will actually meet their standards.
6. They don’t connect sex with emotions
Here’s a shocking revelation: people sleep with other people simply because they like it. There is nothing hidden behind this, no past trauma, no insecurities, no need for validation.
They enjoy having sex, and they don’t necessarily connect it with matters of the heart.
These people usually don’t give a damn about social standards, either. They couldn’’t care less if their behavior is socially acceptable. The last thing they plan is to allow others to shape their lives.
As long as something makes them happy, they don’t care what their friends, family, or future partners will have to say about it. They’re just out there, living their best lives, enjoying themselves while doing so!
8. They haven’t had a long-term relationship
Let’s look at things this way: you can be in one long-term relationship for five years. During that time, you’ve slept with your committed partner, which means your body count for five years was one.
But not everyone was so fortunate. How many dates, situationships, short relationships, and hookups have people who weren’t able to build a serious relationship (regardless of the reasons) had during this period of five years?
Just like that, you have a reason hidden behind their high body count.
Does The Number Of Past Partners Matter?
If you’re dealing with a self-aware and self-confident partner, the number of your potential partners will not matter to them. This person will know how to leave the past in the past without looking back at things nobody can change.
And this is exactly how you should look at your number of sexual partners if you’re not happy with it. What is done is done, and there is absolutely no point in crying over spilled milk.
Therefore, the number of past relationships your romantic partner has had shouldn’t be a dealbreaker. The only thing that should concern you is your current relationship!
How Many Past Boyfriends Is Too Many?
According to some research, most men said that anything above the number 15 is too many boyfriends. However, there is no universal answer to this question because it depends on more than one factor.
How old are you? It’s one thing if you’ve had 15 boyfriends by the age of 20 and something else if you’ve reached 40 years of age with this number.
Where were you born and raised? Different countries and different societies have different unwritten rules about people’s sexual needs and sexual history.
Were you involved in a committed relationship? How long did it last? Or were you jumping from one relationship to another looking for the one?
Of course, there are many other elements, but the only thing that matters is how you feel about your number of past lovers. If you think it’s too many, maybe it’s time to slow down!
Is It OK To Have Many Partners?
There is nothing wrong with having many dating or sexual partners. First of all, there is no defined number of people you’re allowed to sleep with. Secondly, as long as you’re not harming anyone, why would it not be ok to sleep with anyone you want?
The last thing you need is social approval on things you do in the privacy of your own bedroom. So please, don’t let anyone shame you for your sexual history!
What matters when you have more sex partners is to take care of your health. First and foremost, that means practicing safe sex. Only sleep with people who take regular tests for STDs and STIs, and don’t forget to do the same!
But this also includes taking care of your emotional and mental health. It’s one thing if you are sleeping with multiple people because you really want to. However, if you’re doing this to heal your insecurities or gain validation from the opposite sex, you have a problem.
What Do You Call Someone Who Has Multiple Lovers?
If someone has more than one partner or lover at the same time, they’re polyamorous. Of course, this is the definition for people in an open relationship or for people in more than one romantic relationship where everyone involved knows what’s going on. Anything else is cheating.
On the other hand, if someone has had a significant number of lovers through their entire dating history or has a habit of jumping from one bed to another, they are promiscuous.
Keep in mind that there is absolutely nothing wrong with either of these terms as long as polyamorous or promiscuous people are not cheating on anyone and are being honest and fair towards everyone they’re involved with.
To Wrap Up:
As open-minded as we’re all trying to be, nobody can argue against the fact that dating someone who has had many partners can be challenging. Your mind keeps telling you that this has nothing to do with you and that there is no reason to be jealous, but your heart and ego tell a different story.
And that is the point where you have to be the mature person and decide who is the winner: logic or your fragile self-esteem? If you have a problem with deciding this, I’m sorry, but you have a problem with the relationship you have with yourself.
And that is much more serious than all the problems you think you have with your partner’s dating history!