You were always my priority but this time I chose myself.
I gave you everything.
You were the center of my world. I gave you everything I could and way beyond.
I gave you second chances, I believed in your lies. I wanted us to last, so I trusted you, although I knew I shouldn’t.
I stood by your side even when things couldn’t get any worse. When any sane person would scream in horror and pain and beg to leave, I stayed.
I wanted to be there for you. I wanted to make things easier for you. But I was never aware that I was destroying myself.
I couldn’t just let you go. There was so much love and time spent to be with you and I couldn’t throw all of that away. I really wanted to fight to make something of us.
I chose to bear the pain for as long as I could because I was secretly hoping that you would change.
I was hoping that you’d see what I was doing and how much I was sacrificing just to be with you.
I knew that you were a nice guy deep down. But that niceness of yours was so deeply buried that I didn’t see it anymore.
Maybe you’d chosen to change. Maybe you did it on purpose. Maybe it was easier for you that way.
That day, I sadly realized you were never going to bring your old self back. That day I realized I was fighting for nothing.
I knew that if I just let you go and walked away, I would be the one left with a broken heart.
That’s why I tried so badly—because despite the fact that I loved you, I was so scared of getting hurt once again.
Deep inside, I knew what I was doing for you. I knew I shouldn’t do any of those things but I kept trying to fix what was broken beyond repair.
I saw the way you behaved and what you were doing and I justified it.
People came up to me, asking what your deal was and why you were being a total jerk and I made up excuses for you, although I knew they were right. You were being a jerk.
I knew that you’d changed completely and that you didn’t treat anyone with any respect, including me, and I stayed despite it all.
I had so much understanding and no one could figure out why. My friends tried to talk me into leaving you, they were asking me why I put up with all of that and all I had to say every time was: “I love him.”
I ignored everything around me. I ignored all the warnings because I didn’t want to believe it. I didn’t want to believe that this was happening to me.
And every time I was faced with a choice, I chose to love you over myself.
In choosing you, I lost myself. I changed for you, I acted how you wanted me to because all I ever wanted was your approval. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy with me and around me.
But whatever I did was never enough. You always wanted me to go one step further.
I chose you over my friends, I chose you over my career, every single time, I chose you.
After some time, you were the only thing I had left. So now when I think of it, I stood by your side because I was afraid of losing you, too.
I lost everything else. You were the only safe place I knew. Unhappy, but safe.
I stayed with you in that secure cocoon I created and you knew that I was feeling that way, so you took advantage of it. You used me in the most degrading way, you tampered with my mind.
You could manipulate me because I became frightened and lost, so naturally I listened to the only thing I had left in my life—you.
That day I fell in love with myself.
I’d given up. I’d left and deleted every memory of you in my life and it was the hardest thing that I ever had to do. I’m not over you and God knows when I will be.
But there are so many mixed memories in my mind right now. I don’t know whether to love or hate you.
I get depressed and lonely and I think of us. I think of all the beautiful moments we had together.
I think of our trips to the river, of us running in the rain. I think of the time when you pushed me down onto the soaking wet grass while the rain was pouring.
We were both soaking wet. We were both laughing. We were both happy.
That’s when I fall apart—when I think of the good things. But, then comes the horror. Then my mind takes me on a hell journey through my memories.
Then I think of the time you dragged me onto the floor because we were fighting. I think of the time you put both of your hands around my neck, with a wild and crazy look in your eyes.
Then I remember all the horrible things you did and said. Then I get angry.
I know it’s stupid but even now that I’ve left, I still hope that we will be together.
I still hope that we will laugh and be happy. I hope that you’ll once again become the man you were.
I don’t know how long this is going to last. All I know is that it has to stop.
It’s for the best, I understand that. I chose my destiny the day I left you. I chose to love myself instead of you.
I just need to find that reason why to love myself once again.
I need to learn to live on my own and write and sing and paint and do all the things I love. I need to get my life back on track. I have to do it in baby steps.
I will love myself more each day that I’m not close to you. I just have to be strong enough not to go back to that something I ran away from.
One day you’re just going to be a memory but now, me leaving is still the day I wish had never happened.
