Have you ever loved a man so strongly, immensely and naively that you thought you are one lucky girl who found her ‘happily ever after’ in one man? Well, I did.
Has it ever happened to you that you loved the wrong guy and strongly believed that he’s the one? Well, it did to me.
After him, things kept slipping through my fingers.
After him, happiness was something I just heard stories of. And sadness came to me in waves.
Memories would just take turns and I’d be overwhelmed by the emotions they’d bring along. For a long time, I wondered if I would be able to grasp the meaning of my life again.
I wondered if I would ever get back to normal or if I’ll ever be capable of loving again. God knows it was something that love was hundreds of miles away from me.
God knows I had almost given up. I wasn’t always like this.
I was one of those happy women that were always grateful for what they had.
I was one of those who enjoyed her life, smiled and laughed every day, and I was one of those who’d go to sleep with enthusiasm for the new day.
But dating a narcissist changed me.
I wasn’t half the person I used to be after he was done with me.
The same enthusiasm I had before we got together in the morning now turned into a fear of getting out of bed.
My happiness was replaced with anxiety.
For a long time, I was ashamed of letting him change me. For a long time, I was ashamed of the person I became, but mostly I was ashamed that I allowed him to get the best of me. I should’ve known better.
I trusted him
He made me trust him. He did everything to convince me he’s got my back and that he’s my person.
He made me feel like I could count on him and that he’d do anything for me. He kept making promises and I always waited for those promises to be kept.
But they never were. Because he made me trust him just so he could betray me .
He made me feel safe.
For a while, I felt like I could call him for a rescue mission and he’d come any time of the day.
For a while, I thought he was my safe heaven—but he was far from that.
He made me feel safe just so I would let my guard down.
Once I let my guard down, his mission was accomplished because I was absolutely unprotected from his attack. I never saw them coming.
I loved him.
I allowed somebody who had a history of broken relationships to be a part of my life. I gave my heart, body, and soul to a man who had no idea what love was.
I loved him with every cell in my body and I gave him my love unconditionally, irrevocably and selflessly and I completely lost myself to him.
But only because he convinced me he can be taught to love.
But you can’t teach a narcissist to love. It’s just not in his system. Love is just an abstract word he’ll never feel.
I lost myself to a man who was incapable of love.
He made me a prisoner of my love.
I stayed with him because I believed it was for love. I always believed in love.
I believed humans were created from two bodies and one soul and that I had found my other soul, my other half in him. But, he wasn’t my soulmate.
He was somebody who got the best of me. He was somebody who fed on my misery.
He was somebody who needed me to be down so he could feel good about himself. And I let him do that to me because I was naive.
I romanticized my suffering and I made myself believe I was a hero fighting love. But all I was was stupid for falling for a narcissist.
Related: The Ultimate Guide To Ignoring A Narcissist (Spotting And The Aftermath)
I lost myself to a narcissistic person…
I stopped believing I’m worthy and that I deserve to be loved.
I lost my confidence. I lost my self-worth. I let his selfishness win and I allowed it to be all about him.
I let him manipulate me. None of this was consensual and yet it happened.
I lost myself.
Related: How To Emotionally Hurt A Narcissistic Man
But I found myself again, too.
I went through a living hell for a man. I was the best version of myself. I gave all in and I held nothing back.
I wish I could say I didn’t get anything out of it, but that’s not how the story ended. I got a whole new life lesson out of it.
I might have been a wreck for a while, but I wasn’t going to allow myself to be that for the rest of my life. It’d mean he won and I couldn’t let that happen.
So I picked myself up and I started sewing my ripped pieces one by one. I mended every hole in my heart one by one.
I patched every hole in my soul as well. I’d leave my house with my head held high as if what he did to me was nothing.
He walked over me one too many times that I had no choice but to show him the door out of my life.
Because of how he treated me, I thought I wasn’t worthy of love.
It took me a while but I realized that I am more than enough—it was him who didn’t deserve to be loved.
Wednesday 15th of August 2018
You described my marriage. Now 2 yrs out, I have learned so much about people with covert narcissistic behavior. By the end, I was drained of any happiness and self worth. The good news is, you CAN recover. In fact, if you are willing to do the work, you will become better than before you met them. We all wish we could warn their new supply what they are in for, but as you know, it's so very covert that it's even hard to understand this horrible dynamic ourselves. If I could tell anyone one thing... it would be to TRUST YOUR GUT INSTINCTS. If something feels off about a person, it probably is. Not all toxic people are horrible. But they all drain your energy and cause pain. Then simply move on to the next Supply. Love and light to all you survivors.
Thursday 28th of June 2018
I am recovering from a narcissistic relationship. I thought I was going crazy when we broke up as I couldn't seem to move on. He left me 4 times to go back to his ex girlfriend and every time I took him back with open arms. His daughter committed suicide, and I was there for him, putting my life and my business on hold while I tended to his every need. He then started the verbal and emotional abuse. How he was losing respect for me as I didn't have a 'job', that I was an empty shell of a person with no purpose in life. I was compared to his ex girlfriend regularly and eventually started believing I was this worthless empty person he said I was. I am still recovering from all of this, but every day I am taking baby steps to rebuild the person I was pre narcissist and have an amazing support group of friends and family that are there for me when I have my weak moments. There is hope and life (a happy fulfilled one) after detangling yourself from these vampires. I now am beginning to see him for who and what he really is. I have a long road ahead of me but at least now I am not stuck in that dark limbo of not moving at all. It takes immense strength and courage to distance oneself from this type of person but it will be worth it in the end. No contact for me has definitely helped, not going to the places I know he goes to and blocking him from messaging or phoning me. Been a rough ride but I am seeing the light and an amazing life at the end of this very long dark tunnel. X
Wednesday 6th of June 2018
He's now convinced me to move in to his house and sell mine which was in much better shape. I've packed up everything I own and my children and moved and left everything secure behind. I love him so very much but I still wait for the other shoe to drop. What if he truly is everything that she said and here I am out in the middle of nowhere with nothing familiar away from all my friends.. But I felt I had to do this to keep him and maybe be all that he needs for he won't need all the other women
Monday 21st of May 2018
That sounds so much like me because I fell in love with this guy and knowing that he never loved me to start with really rips your heart out because I give our relationship everything I had in me for what to get a black eye and be put down by his family and if that wasn't enough they had to bring my grand babies in it to even hurt me more. Know I feel like he is right Nobody can love someone like me because hell I don't even love myself anymore because of the way I was done.
Thursday 10th of May 2018
I did it too. Mostly because I was raised by a narcissist and kept repeating, thinking I could eventually "win". But it's not winnable and that is no reflection of me. Thank you for sharing this.