No one ever tells you this. No one warns you. They all have something to say while you’re in this kind of a relationship, but they all keep quiet when you break free from one.
It’s not that easy. One should expect happiness and joy. No one expects fear, confusion, and the inability to continue living your life—to pick up where you left off before you met him.
No one ever tells you how much it hurts. No one ever tells you how long it takes for the wounds to heal.
When you meet someone new, you are afraid. You are scared to death that history will repeat itself. You try to humor him even though he doesn’t want you to do that.
You apologize for every little thing. You apologize for the things you’re guilty and not guilty of. He doesn’t want you to do that.
No one ever tells you that you don’t have to do it. No one ever tells you how hard is to snap out of what you’ve been going through. No one ever tells you that it takes guts to heal completely.
You will need to find the strength to pick yourself up again. You will relive those horrific moments he made you a part of. You will wake up in the middle of the night and your heart will pound so hard, like it wants to break free from your chest.
You will see someone who reminds you of him. It will take you back. It will be so real, like the nightmare is happening all over again.
You will feel broken because you will be broken. You will cry your eyes out. You will scream out in emotional pain.
You will feel drained because you will be drained. He’s the one who sucked the life out of you. You gave him all you had. And what did you get in return? Nothing except pain. And more pain.
You will be negative because that’s the only feeling you know. You forgot what it was like to be happy. It will be hard to get out of that vicious circle of negativity. You want to escape it, but you need it because you’re used to it. It becomes like a drug to you. You keep craving for more.
You never knew what it was like to be loved. You never had that. You wouldn’t recognize real love even if it hit you right in the face. You will doubt each and every person who comes near you and you will destroy their every attempt to flirt with you. You will do this out of fear. Out of fear of getting hurt.
You will have to be strong for a long time. You will have to be strong until you pick up the broken pieces of whatever is left of you and put them back together to continue building a version of yourself you always wanted to be.
When you start a new relationship, you will feel lost. You won’t be used to this new ‘normal treatment’. You won’t be used to kind words and understanding. You won’t be used to being treated with respect. Your voice will actually matter for the first time in a long time.
It will take a while for you to relax and trust this person. But that won’t matter as he will wait for you. He will give you space to heal. He will help you heal.
You will be waiting for the perfect storm. You will be waiting for him to lose it at anytime. You know your ex was nice and loving when he wanted to be—when you didn’t complain and did everything his way. You are scared this guy is the same.
But, you know what? The perfect storm is never going to come. He is not the same.
No one ever tells you how fucked up it is to survive all of this. No one ever tells you this is the hard part. No one ever tells you healing hurts; it hurts like hell.
There are so many things you won’t be told. You’ll have to fight for yourself. You’ll have to put yourself first. You’ll have to cry. You’ll have to hurt.
But, you will heal. You will get better.