I never text you. I stopped calling a long time ago. I erased your number from my phone. I blocked you from my social media accounts. I avoid all of the places I know you’ll bet. There is no physical trace that you ever existed in my life but that doesn’t mean I stopped thinking about you.
No matter what I do you are still my most frequent thought.
I am nostalgic about the times we shared. I miss us. I miss the way we laughed. I miss your touch. I miss your kisses and warm embrace. I miss the good times and I keep forgetting the bad ones ever happened.
I catch myself wanting to text you and tell you where I am in life, tell you my thoughts, see what you have to say about certain things. It’s hard not to because I was used to sharing things with you and hearing you tell me everything about you and your life.
Sometimes I start typing a text but I erase it quickly. I remind myself that there is a reason you are part of my past and not my present.
At this point, I remember the bad days. I have conversations with you in my mind where I ask you everything I want to know.
Where did all your love go? How could you hurt me so badly if I ever meant anything to you? Was anything real? Were any of your words true?
And, just like in real life you are silent and I am left without an answer.
But maybe it’s better that way. Maybe if I knew all the answers I would be even more disappointed. Maybe some things are better left unsaid. Maybe the closure is in not knowing and letting things go.
But I haven’t let go of you still, even though I never text you, even though I live every day like you are not a part of my life.
Not texting you and not allowing you to come close again is the only defense mechanism I have to stop myself from allowing you back into my life.
I know If I let you in again you would treat my heart as a train station. You would come and go as you please and I can’t and I won’t put myself through that.
I will resist every urge to reach out to you. I will be stronger than I’ve ever been because I have no other choice I can’t keep picking myself up over and over again.
I have no more chances to give you used every last one of them and giving you one more would be too much. It still hurts but I have to make peace with the fact that we were never meant to be.
I have to make my heart realize what my mind already knows – you are not my forever person.
You were just a man who had an important role in my life. Someone who meant the world to me. Someone who brought me unbelievable pain. Someone I loved in spite of everything we’ve been through. Someone who never knew how to love me back.
You are someone I will get over because there will be no contact. You are someone who is going to become a distant memory. You are still someone to me but I have to keep reminding myself you are not ‘the one’ for me.
Do you see now why I never text you?