When I was going through a breakup, these 90 days no contact posts or articles kept popping up. I had no idea what it was all about, but it intrigued me. I started reading more and more about it. The more I read, the more benefits I saw.
The 90 days no contact rule is just that—avoiding any contact with your ex for a minimum of 30 to a maximum of 90 days. As I had a really bad breakup, I thought to myself: ‘Go hard or don’t start at all’, so I decided on the full 90 days.
This rule sounded so rigorous, but I had to do something because I was falling deeper and deeper. I was out of strength both physically and mentally. The breakup messed me up so good, I was getting in a state of depression I didn’t know how to get out off. Fortunately, something just clicked and I decided to try out this rule.
No contact literally means no contact whatsoever, no exceptions. So I started to make my moves to follow this rule:
1. I unfriended him from Facebook.
2. I unfollowed and blocked him on Instagram.
3. I deleted his texts and phone number.
4. I even deleted his e-mail.
5. I made a promise to myself that I will not contact him.
6. I made a promise to myself I won’t even respond if he contacts me.
I made these promises and I was firm in my intent to keep them. All the deleting, unfriending and unfollowing had to be done because I was getting obsessed. I stalked his social media profiles. I checked his online status. My brain was just concentrating on him and every time I would put my phone down, all I felt was sadness. To be honest, I was also sad when I started to implement this no contact rule, and 90 days seemed like forever. I was afraid whether I was going to make it. All in all, I realized I had nothing to lose by trying.
I realized that there are two ways to use the no contact rule: to get your ex back or to get over him. It is a sort of an after breakup detox. A bulletproof plan to see your relationship for what it really is. I was unsure where I fit— whether I wanted him back or if I wanted to stand on my own feet and be happy again.
The first 10 days were the hardest. I was like an addict in need of a fix. I just wanted to check his Facebook and see if he had posted anything new. Was there somebody else in his life? Where was he going and what it was he up to? But I managed. Without even thinking about it, I would sometimes take my phone and started typing his name. Then I would just put down my phone the second I realized what I was doing.
Luckily, it got better with time. I realized that it’s probably easier to get over a person than to get over the habit of thinking about him. So, I had to step up my game. I started doing things for myself, and once I started, I couldn’t stop taking care of myself for a change.
I realized I had been so lazy all this time. I was never much of an athlete. I lack those skills. But I love dancing, so I found some kind of fitness program that involved dancing and exercising. I remember laughing a few weeks after when I caught up with a program because I had a hard time with it at first.
I realized the smile on my face meant that this no contact and more ‘me’ time actually works. I sweated all the pain from my body. It made me feel great. It made me do more things for myself. I started socializing more and more. I went on a few road trips. I started to plan a trip to some farther destination.
For the first time in a long time, I felt I had actually filled with energy again. I was living the life I was always supposed to live. It wasn’t all peachy. I was roughly 40 days into the program, still fighting the urge to call him or to check his profile. But I saw improvements. I was getting better.
And just when everything was going great, he called. I didn’t answer. He texted something stupid. I didn’t answer. It was hard to resist at first, but I managed. A few days passed and he texted again. He was apologizing for everything he had done. I just ignored it.
For the first time in a long long time, I felt I had control over my life again. I still loved him. Or at least I think that was love. But with time, I saw only the benefits of not being with him. I realized that the relationship wasn’t right for me. He was selfish. He would just take from me without giving anything back. And lastly, he was the one who walked away.
All this time we spent without any contact whatsoever made him miss me. Texts were coming. Mutual friends told me that he told them he wanted me back, that he was sorry. I kind of hoped that day would come but now when it was actually happening, I realized that sorry isn’t enough for everything he put me through. It came too late.
I couldn’t believe how this 90 days no contact thing changed me completely. It bettered me. It gave me space to think about myself for a change. I processed the breakup and I saw my relationship as something that wasn’t meant to last. I learned to appreciate myself. I learned how to take control over my life. I decided to wait for somebody better. I learned how to be happy again.
That’s why I highly recommend this no contact rule. Regardless whether you decide that you want to get back with your ex or if you want to leave things be and restart a life for yourself like I did, it’s definitely worth it. It gives you a whole new perspective on your past relationship. It gives you a whole new perspective on life. And most importantly, it gives you a chance to discover yourself.
Leah Lee – Writer. Dreamer. Adventurer. Eternal Optimist.
I am an English language and literature professor and writing came naturally alongside that. It was something I did for me until I decided to share it with the rest of the world.
I write about love, emotions, relationship issues and ways to solve them and most importantly about empowering women to become the best versions of themselves.
My inspiration comes from all that I’ve been through in life, and it was a bumpy road but full of valuable lessons. I hope that my experience will do some good to all of those who like to read my work.