For a long time, I was convinced that I was guilty for everything bad that was happening to me.
I wasn’t sure how and why, but I knew that I was responsible for the evil that had hit me.
I thought that somehow I deserved all the insults I received, all the humiliation I went through, and all the emotional and physical punches I got.
At least, that was what my abuser tried hard to convince me of.
After all, our entire world is based on justice, right? There had to be some karma, and I was obviously paying for the sins I had committed.
Maybe it was something I did in my previous life, maybe I hurt someone involuntarily or I was just guilty for choosing wrong and not knowing better.
Maybe I was too sensitive, too emotional, too weak or too vulnerable.
Maybe I was exaggerating. Maybe my partner wasn’t that bad compared to others—who knows what is happening in other people’s relationships—they just don’t talk about it.
Maybe all of this was actually normal.
Sounds like a lot of rubbish, I know. From this point of view, I, myself, am shocked by the thoughts that were running through my mind.
However, no matter what happened, I ended up finding excuses for everything my ex was doing to me.
For years, I would always find a way to justify his violence by trying to put all the blame on myself.
I had obviously provoked him, and I definitely shouldn’t have said that.
If I had just listened to what he was telling me, he wouldn’t have raised his hand to me.
I thought things like: “He isn’t not that bad—he just has a short temper.
He has an anger management problem and I should be there to help him fight it.”
After all, he only wanted what was best for me, right? Even when he was mistreating me, it was nothing but a reaction to my misbehavior.
Even when he was trying to control me, he was doing it because he was so afraid that he’d lose me.
He loved me so much that he couldn’t stand the mere thought of living without me.
Besides, every time he would hit me, he felt so bad afterwards.
He would spend hours and days apologizing and promising me he would never do something like that again.
And silly me believed him. I was really buying all of his bullshit, convinced that he was doing all of this as a result of the enormous love he felt for me.
However, now, after all of this time, I know the real truth: I was the victim here. And the victim is never to blame.
After all these years of therapy and self-introspection, I am no longer ashamed to admit this or to say it out loud.
Now I know that I’m not the one who should be embarrassed for being abused.
Because none of it was ever my fault. My ex is an abuser, and he is the one who should take all the responsibility for his actions.
No, I couldn’t have known better because I was brainwashed into thinking that he was the best man I could ever have.
He put a lot of effort into convincing me that his distorted ways of showing love were the real deal, that nobody would ever care for me the way he did, and that I would never find happiness next to someone else.
No, I couldn’t have abandoned him because he made sure I was financially and emotionally dependent on him.
I had no one to turn to because he chased away all of my friends and family in time, just so I would end up with no one but him by my side.
No, I couldn’t have left him sooner because he emotionally blackmailed me and manipulated me into taking him back after every violent episode—because I spent years, hoping for that perfect guy from the beginning of our relationship to come back and for that caring and loving guy he was in between the abuse to reappear.
No, I shouldn’t have changed my ways because if he loved me, he would have accepted me just the way I was.
On the other hand, if he saw that I wasn’t cut out for him, he had the choice of walking away at any moment.
However, he chose to stay.
He consciously chose to make my life a living hell, to kill me spiritually, and to keep on abusing me mentally, emotionally, verbally, and physically.
Why? Because he was and probably still is a toxic sociopath who enjoys torturing others.
Because he saw me as a suitable victim—and simply because he could.
Yes, I was the one who let him treat me the way he did.
I was the one who was giving him a green light to continue with his abuse every time I gave him another chance.
However, it wasn’t my fault I was abused. I’m not stupid, unlovable nor did I ever deserve to go through something like this.
And neither are you. Therefore, if you’re experiencing something similar to what I’ve been through, please open your eyes.
Stop listening to this narcissistic manipulator who keeps on telling you that you provoked him to tell you all those awful things, that he wouldn’t have yelled at you if your skirt wasn’t that short or that he wouldn’t have hit you if you just had the patience to stay quiet when he insulted you.
You might not see it now but trust me: you have what it takes to leave his sorry ass.
You’re not alone, and there is always someone around you who would gladly give you a hand and help you get out of this nightmare.
Nevertheless, you’re the one who has to make that decision, the same way I did.
You’re the one who has to set yourself free from this never-ending circle and finally see this man for who he really is—an abuser who never loved you and will never change his ways.
Believe me when I tell you that you will make it without him.
I’m not going to lie: you won’t recover overnight, and your past traumas will probably haunt you for a long time, but at the end of the day, you will be better.
Learn from my mistakes and from my example and don’t let your agony go on any longer.