After I have sex for the first time with a guy I really like, there’s always a part of me that feels very sad.
Sure, we might have had a great time together doing what we did, but I know the second that I walk out that door, it all changes.
It changes because I’m terrified that he’s not going to want to see me again.
I’m terrified that I’m just another notch on his bedpost. But mostly, I’m terrified of the fact that I meant nothing to him, and that all this time that I’ve invested in him was a wasted effort.
I thought about this last night after I cuddled with my newest guy and we finished the movie we had been watching.
I stared at the door, because I didn’t want to walk out, I wanted to stay there with him, because I wanted him, I had wanted him for so long.
I thought about how every time before when I had slept with a guy (not that it has happened very often), how hurt I got afterwards. How they didn’t call, they acted like nothing happened, and how low I felt.
But this guy, this guy is different, and that’s what scares me as well. This is the most genuine guy I’ve come across, and I don’t want to lose him before we start something that I believe could be truly amazing.
I kept thinking to myself, he’s not going to be like the other guys, he’s different, everything going to be fine.
So here lies the question: we just had sex, now what? What happens now? I think it’s so sad that in our generation we always have to ask ourselves that because there is a 99.9% chance we will never hear from a guy again.
But, then there’s something in us that believes that this guy is going to be different, he’s going to call.
He’s not going to ghost us, leave us in the dirt, make us shed a heavy amount of tears on our pillows. On my way home last night, I decided just to be forward with this boy and tell him how I truly felt.
I told him I know what we did tonight will change things, but I didn’t want them to. I told him how I liked him, and wanted to continue to see him and get to know him.
He agreed with what I was saying, and we’ve been talking all day per usual, but I’m still scared.
I will be perfectly honest with you all, I’m terrified. Although I got an okay answer, I still didn’t get the reassurance I wanted.
What I wanted was for him to tell me he’s not going anywhere, that he’ll call me tomorrow, and that everything will be okay.
I wanted him to make me feel like we had a future since last night. And in some ways, he did, but in other ways he didn’t.
And of course, as a girl and someone who wears her heart on her sleeve, I analyzed it all day.
I talked to my best friend about it, getting her opinion, and did everything I could to get my mind off it.
I know guys will always have a hard time bringing up ‘the talk’ with us girls, which is why we need to bring it up ourselves.
I need to know if I’m wasting my time, if this is going anywhere or if I should leave.
As a girl who doesn’t sleep around, and is very cautious of her heart, it’s a scary feeling to think about right after sex with someone whom I really like.
Especially someone who I didn’t expect to like this much—that’s even more scary. I don’t want to lose him, we have so much more to do.
Have you ever asked yourself the question I did last night? I know I can’t be the only girl who’s questioned it.
The only girl who’s thought as she walked to her car, all right, so I guess I’ll never see him again.
I can’t be the only girl who has prayed to God that things will work out, and fell asleep dreaming that it actually would.
To each girl who asks themselves, we just had sex, now what, I pray that you get what you want, and that he doesn’t leave you hanging. However, if he does leave you hanging, know that he doesn’t deserve you then.
Any guy who just has sex with you for the hell of it, and decides to play with your emotions for the hell of it, is not a real man.
A real man will call you back. A real man will not leave you hanging, and a real man will assure you he is not going anywhere.
You may feel completely fooled and broken-hearted for the moment, but remember that as many douchebags are out there who will treat you like that, there are plenty of nice guys out there who won’t. It just might take a little longer to find one, but remember, you have time.
by Kaylin Ochs
