To the girl I no longer recognize,
I’m writing this to you with the biggest resentment in my heart. I wish I could remember who you were. I wish I knew where you went. Pictures remind me that you were a strong, beautiful girl, who was full of life and peace. A girl so happy, so social, and so free. You were the one who would conquer the world—the one who would accomplish every dream and live up to every expectation. So excited about life, and what your future would hold. You believed in love, fairy tales, your happily ever after.
This was, of course, before he came along and stole your whole existence. You were so young and naive to the fact that not everyone is good. He brought you so much excitement, so much joy, so much fake love…that you never even noticed him preying on your innocent little heart. Feeling wanted had you so wrapped up in this new way of life, your very first (what you considered) love, that you let him bury you alive. The perfect love story to you became the perfect cold case to him.
Though you didn’t realize it at the time, you now know the younger you was crying for help while the older you grew oblivious to reality. I wish I could have told you to stop and think. I wish I would have told you to get out while you were ahead. I wish I could of, would of, and now I know without a doubt—I should of.
See this girl I am now, she knows far too well what she got herself into—a hole that she feels is impossible to escape. She no longer recognizes you. Hell, she is starting to not even recognize herself. The girl in the mirror looking back is a stranger. She cries herself to sleep and wakes up drained mentally, physically, emotionally from her reality. She’s not crying for him—she’s crying for you.
Lonely and depressed, she’s full of anxiety and fear. And although everybody knows her, they don’t see the despair because of the fake smile she flashes on her face. The makeup covers up her swollen eyes from crying everyday, the kindness flows from being so broken inside ….that she wants to make everybody else feel good. If she could tear herself open and let her feelings flow out, her family and friends would be appalled. They think she’s tired from a long day of work, but really she’s tired of fighting to protect what’s left of herself. She is drained from the manipulation, control, and daily battles. It’s like a never-ending cycle, a roller coaster going up and crashing down. Although rare, his good days have made her believe that maybe just maybe there is a possibility of change, but deep down inside, she knows it’s unlikely.
His ways have taken a toll. His words have cut her so deep that they ring like a constant alarm in her mind. She’s lost her courage, her passion, her hope. She feels like a empty shell—someone who is just there. It is only when another word attacks her, or another rage of his anger will wake her that she feels her heart beat. She’s learned to not feel, not expect, not want. The guy she trusted to love her, protect her, and marry her destroyed her entire being. He lead her astray. This was not love. This was abuse. This was madness, craziness and just plain out wrong.
So, I guess I’ll end this letter apologizing to you (to the girl I use to know) for what I put you through. Everyday I’ll wake up a little bit stronger and pray that someday you will return to me. That someday I will work up the courage to find you again—to leave him and meet you. I will love you. I will protect you. I will fight for a future. I will teach you how to be strong, courageous, and confident. You will be rebuilt, remade, and resecure. Out of these ashes, beauty will shine through, and with it a happy future. Life will be okay—I promise you this.
Until we meet again,
Me
by A.L.