I never thought that I would be thinking about leaving you.
But here I am, thinking about leaving you one day and being madly in love with you the next. And in all that mess called our love, I don’t know what the right decision is.
I don’t know if I will do the right thing by leaving or by staying. But sometimes, I wish you were far away from me.
Sometimes, you bring so much turbulence into my life that I walk on eggshells just to not hurt you. I think twice about the things I tell you, and no matter how much I would love to, I can’t tell you everything about my life.
I can’t tell you about other people that make me feel safe and happy. I can’t do that because you would feel neglected. I always put you first, and if I do this now for myself, everything will fall apart.
It has already started, and I can only imagine what would happen if I don’t make some effort.
You know, you were my best friend once upon a time. I could have told you everything about myself, and you would never have judged me. But somewhere along the road, everything got changed.
You are not the same person anymore, and I changed with you as well.
But you know what the worst part is? We both changed for the worse.
We are going in a direction that is not good for both of us, but we are still refusing to give up on each other.
I hurt you and you hurt me, but we are still together. But I really don’t know if that is the kind of love I want for the rest of my life.
I don’t know if I can live in this mess anymore. Because no matter how much I am trying, I simply can’t give up on you.
And no matter how much I show you my love, you don’t want to accept it for some reason. It is like you don’t trust me when I say that I love you.
It is like you think that I lie about everything and that I want to lead you on. But baby, that never crossed my mind. I respect you enough to leave our private life as it is.
What we have, no matter if it is good or bad, I want to leave as something that only belongs to us.
That’s why I never reveal any secrets that we have. That’s why I never tell my friends about all the problems that we go through. I keep it all in my heart, far away from others.
I don’t tell people that you offended me and that I suffer because of you. I don’t tell them that my whole world is falling apart because I am losing the love of my life.
I keep quiet and suffer in silence because if I tell them about us falling apart, nothing would really change.
Everything would be the same. Only you would hate me even more. Only the end would come faster.
I want you to know that I live for the days when we don’t fight. I live for the time we spend like we used to, cuddling in our bed and watching old movies.
And then I feel like everything is as it used to be. Everything looks completely the same.
Your hand in mine, my head on your chest and the smell of you that completely captivates me.
You are here, telling me that you love me and that there is no place you would rather be than in my arms. You say that you love having the whole of me and that you are jealous of all those people that want to steal me from you.
Because I am the air in your lungs (as you like to say). I am the only bright spot, and you can’t live without me.
And for a couple of days, I feel that I made the right decision in staying with you.
Then, in the blink of an eye, you change. You transform into a person I thought I would never live with.
You start judging me for the smallest things, and you don’t let me breathe. And again, at those moments, I feel like I should just walk away from you. At those moments, I don’t see an exit.
And nobody can tell me that it is just a fight like any other which happens in a relationship. It is so much more than a simple fight. It is brainwashing. It is emotional abuse. It is mind fucking.
And at those moments, I hate you for who you have become. I hate that you don’t let out the man I fell in love with. I hate that you became the person you told me you would never become.
The one who is jealous of my happiness, the one who wants me to be his puppet he will manipulate, the one who wants me only to himself and the one who decides if I will be happy or not.
I don’t want that because that is not love, and we are here because of it in the first place. If I have to pretend that I am someone I am not just so you would like me, then I don’t want you because it is obvious that we are not meant to be together.
Maybe we just idealized love too much. Maybe we had enormous expectations, and now when things are not like we imagined, we don’t feel fulfilled.
But the worst part is that even if things are not right, you are not doing anything to change this situation.
You gave up too soon, and you expect things to get better. Well, sorry to burst your bubble, but that is not the way things work out in love.
Love is a two way street, and if you gave up on what we have, it is in vain that I keep trying.
The truth is that I got tired of everything and that I want to feel the peace within. I want to be free again. I want to love and to be loved. And what is most important, I want the old me back.
And I don’t even care that you don’t like it. After giving up on me and on what we have, you have no right to say anything.
You should have put some effort, but unfortunately, you didn’t.
Now take the consequences and let me live my life like I always wanted.
Let me live it to the fullest.