“The woman who does not require validation from anyone is the most feared individual on the planet.” – Mohadesa Majumi
When you depend on people to build you up, they’ll have the same power to break you down. You don’t need their validation to know your worth. So instead of seeking others to validate you, make sure your validate yourself. Make sure your self-validation is on fleek and no matter what others say, they won’t be able to break you down.
Seeking validation is the same as asking others to tell you who you are and what you’re worth. Whatever they tell you won’t be true because it didn’t come from you. You’re the only one who can validate yourself because that’s the only validation that counts.
You don’t need to get your friends’ approval to do something. Your family doesn’t have to like your choices and your boyfriend can’t determine which path should you take. It’s up to you to follow your gut and say ‘no’ things which don’t feel right or do something just because you feel like doing it.
As a human being on this journey with your own thoughts of and in life, you have the right to feel the way you feel, no matter when you’re feeling it or why. Always keep this in mind.
“Nothing destroys self-worth, self-acceptance, and self-love faster than denying what you feel. Without feelings you wouldn’t know where you are in life. Nor would you know which areas to work on. Honour your feelings. Allow yourself to feel them.” – Iyanla Vanzant
Validation is something we all seek. But very few people know that the right place to ask for validation is within yourself. It’s called self-validation and once you get on good terms with yourself, when you make peace within, nothing irrelevant can touch you.
So before you chose to seek validation outside your own skin, remind yourself that only you can validate yourself and your feelings. In case you’re still struggling with doing so, here are a few steps delivered by Marsha Linehan to help you in your process of self-validation.
1. Being Present
Being present means grounding yourself. Don’t dissociate, don’t daydream and don’t suppress or numb your emotions. Never allow them to bottle up to the point where they’ll take you on the verge of exploding.
Don’t try to turn off what you’re feeling because even if it seems like you’ve succeeded, it will come to collect later. So don’t fool yourself and be present.
Yes, feeling all the pain and allowing it to take you down at times can be hard, but denying it can bring greater consequences.
Always assess your feelings and always work on them. Never try to run away because it will be like you’re running away from yourself. It’s impossible and eventually all that you’ve been trying to avoid will come to the surface in waves.
2. Acknowledging Your Internal State
Whatever you’re feeling, try to label it accurately. Instead of fooling yourself and making yourself believe that it’s not too big of a deal, reflect on your emotions and events that occured.
Instead of falling into deep depression or something even worse, instead of beating yourself down, instead of saying: “Nobody is ever going to love me”; say: “I’m feeling sad and hurting because my boyfriend broke up with me”. Never allow yourself to neglect your state to the point of convincing yourself that there is something wrong with you and that you’ve fallen into a hole from which there is no way out.
In certain situations, even you won’t be able to identify your feelings. Perhaps you’ll have a hard time realizing how you feel so you should try to think how would any other person feel in your situation. For example: “Someone else would normally feel sad in my situation. Am I feeling sad?” Repeat this process until you actually figure out exactly what you feel.
4. Validating By History
In most cases, we tend to carry with us a lot of burdened from our past. How many times have your past events disturbed your present? Too many times, I’d take a wild guess. So, before giving your feelings any diagnosis, think about how similar events affected you in the past and if you are projecting some of your trama from the past today.
Stay true to yourself and don’t let it just sneak upon you. Know when something hurt you and always try to see how much damage it has done. Know that often the feelings you feel today have something to do with the past.
Instead of beating yourself because of the way you feel or thinking how you’re the weakest person alive, acknowledge that it’s normal to feel the way you’re feeling. Remind yourself that it’s all comes with being human and that you have to allow yourself to feel in order to be able to heal.
6. Radical Genuineness
In terms of self-validation, this means being your real self and not lying to yourself. Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. Don’t fool yourself into rejecting who you are. No matter if you like some of your traits or not, admit to yourself those are your traits and that you’re the one living with them. Always stay true to who you are and accept yourself like you are at the moment.
In your mind, learn to put your opinion first. Never allow yourself to think badly about yourself when you’re hurting. Those are emotions and thoughts woken up by the pain and that’s not who you truly are. When the pain decreases, then try to look at yourself with the glasses of your higher self. That higher self is the part of you who accepts you for who you are and that part of you loves you with your perfections as well as your flaws.
“All the wonders you seek are within yourself.” ~ Sir Thomas Browne
Stop asking yourself if others like you. Think about whether you like yourself. Because only when you get on good terms with yourself, only when you accept yourself for who you are and learn to love your true self, only then will others be able to love you too.
Never ask others to validate you, your behaviour or your feelings. Know that you’re the only one who can do it and learn how to do it. Educate yourself in order to feel better about yourself. And do everything you can to fall in love with your life and the way you live it.
Never look for a knight to save you—always look for a sword to save yourself.
And in the end, whatever you do, wherever you go, however you feel, remember: The woman who does not require validation from anyone is the most feared individual on the planet.