When you’re left heartbroken after spending a significant amount of time with someone you cared deeply about, it can be tough to rebuild your life. If your once-partner finds someone new right away, you might be left with many unanswered questions which can cause you to constantly compare yourself to his new love interest.
Is he happier with her? What does she have that you don’t?
Stumbling upon a pic of your ex with his new love on social media or – heaven forbid – running into them while out and about, can leave your head spinning. Feelings that you thought had subsided may come flooding back full force without warning. Just seeing this new person on his arm can cause you to start frantically dissecting every detail of their relationship, coming up with ways to win over his heart once and for all.
You may be scouring the web for hours, attempting to dig up any information you possibly can to compare yourself to her – where she lives, works, who she hangs out with. Before you know it, you no longer recognize yourself. You’ve become a crazy person who is wasting valuable time making herself feel bad.
When did you become so insecure? How can you regain the self-love you thought you had plenty of before this crazy quest?
The first thing you should ask yourself is: Why am I spending my time on something that’s just going to make me feel like crap? How does this unproductive pursuit help me be who I want to be?
Because it doesn’t, and this, in itself, may help. It may be enough to cause you to sigh and reluctantly close your browser, so you can divert your attention to responsibilities that actually matter.
But guilt may soon follow because obsessive thoughts are hard to stop. So, it’s important to recite some positive affirmations to fill the space. Remind yourself of an exceptional accomplishment of yours, how good you are at your job, what a great friend you are, and why you deserve to be happy.
It’s also important to understand exactly why your relationship went south. What behaviors did your ex display that were simply unacceptable? Was he far too hurtful or constantly confrontational? Unfaithful? Unmotivated?
It’s also important to remember that often, one’s public persona or that which is projected on social media isn’t the full picture. This is just the filtered portion of the person’s life they want the rest of the world to see. No relationship is perfect, and there’s no way of knowing what is happening behind closed doors. If your ex displayed patterns of unhealthy behavior whenever the two of you were alone, these patterns aren’t likely to entirely fall by the wayside with someone new.
Never rush into a new relationship just because you are envious of your ex’s new squeeze. Take this time to look inward and self-reflect, healing any open wounds from the inside out. If you don’t take the time for self-care, truly getting to know who you are, what makes you tick, and what you want in a future partner, any rushed-into, new relationship is likely to meet the same fate.
Doing the necessary internal work to heal will ensure you don’t carry the weight of guilt, jealousy, insecurity, or any other negativity into a new partnership. And once you’re sure your self-esteem is at an all-time high, it’s important to also remember that just because you are wonderful doesn’t mean you’ll wonderfully match everyone single and looking for love.
The point is, if your ex is dating someone completely different from you and you can’t understand what he sees in her, this is because you two are separate individuals with different perspectives. This inability to understand what drew him to his new mate is precisely why the two of you are no longer together.
You will find someone who loves you for exactly who you are without making you feel as if you have to morph into anyone different. This special someone is well worth the wait. Never settle for less.
I am a credited freelance writer, editor, contributor, and essayist, as well as a novelist and poet with over fifteen years of experience. A seasoned publishing professional, I’ve worked for newspapers, magazines and book publishers in content digitization, editorial, acquisitions and intellectual property. I have been an invited speaker at a Careers in Publishing and Authorship event at Michigan State University’s College of Arts & Letters, and a Reading and Writing Instructor at Sylvan Learning Center. I have an MBA with a concentration in Marketing and am currently pursuing an MA in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. For more, please visit my blog at sarateller.com.