I know that the smartest thing would be to forget all about him, to turn a new leaf in a new book without him, but I can’t.
I am still hooked on the idea that we will get our second chance.
We weren’t ready for love this big the first time around.
Yes, it would be easy to blame it all on him and say he was not ready.
But I wasn’t either.
I was completely lost. I had no direction in life.
I didn’t know what I wanted or who I was. I failed to see my own worth.
I was so concentrated on finding true love that I forgot that I needed to find myself first.
I loved him so much, and I failed in loving myself.
Instead of meeting him halfway, I was always the one running faster towards him.
That’s why he ran in the opposite direction.
There was no balance in our relationship.
There was no reciprocity or equal effort because I left no space for it.
I simply cared too much and gave the best from me.
I would reply to his text the minute my phone would light up.
I would cancel all other plans when he said he wanted to hang out. I was too available.
I placed myself second and him first, and that’s when his interest started to wear down.
I should have taken it slowly, step-by-step, and see where the relationship was going, but I didn’t know how to stop myself.
I was eager to hear from him.
I wanted to be around him as much as possible.
I wanted his hugs and warmth, and he slowly turned into my obsession.
I was always waiting for him to put more effort than I did, and when it didn’t come, I ended being more hurt than before.
He saw that I was in too deep.
He saw he could come and go as he pleased.
He saw that he can mess with my mind and get away with it.
He had no right to treat me like that, and I should’ve never allowed it either.
That’s why I blame us both for the way things ended.
I should have set some boundaries. I should have lowered my intensity.
I should have followed his lead when it came to investing in our relationship.
That’s all.
I thought If I don’t jump at every opportunity to be with him or to text him, he will lose interest or think that I’m playing games.
But it was never about games or acting like I was hard to get.
It was about having standards and having my own life.
It was about loving him but respecting myself in the process.
Now I’m left with ‘should haves’ and ‘what-ifs’, and they hurt like hell, but they also helped me learn something about love relationships and myself.
I am focusing on myself now.
I am keeping myself busy to stop my overthinking.
I am building a life I will be proud of—the life I hope my forever person will want to be a part of.
I pray and hope with every atom of my being that he is that person.
He is still my most common thought.
I still replay in my memory all those moments we spent together.
His lips are still imprinted on mine.
I still yearn for his touch.
I still want to hear his voice and tell him everything that’s on my chest.
There is an empty spot in my heart I wish he could fill, but there’s nothing I can do about it.
All I can do is pray.
Pray for true love to find me.
Pray that his heart finds me again if he is the one.
Pray that my heart heals if it’s not meant to be.
