My husband wants a divorce but I still love him. What we have is worth fighting for and I can’t let years of marriage to my best friend just wither… Is it too late to make my marriage work?
It depends. There are countless factors and underlying issues that could be influencing your husband’s incredibly difficult decision.
So, he woke up one day and sprung this shocking news on you.
What you believed was yet another Tuesday morning turned out to be the last thing you expected: divorce talk.
However, before you’re served actual divorce papers, there’s plenty of time to get to the bottom of your broken marriage and find a glimmer of hope that could salvage it.
Marriage problems aren’t unusual, but it takes a lot of work to save a marriage that your husband is so eager to end. So let’s get to it.
See also: A Dysfunctional Relationship: What It Is And How To Recognize The Signs
What NOT To Do When Your Husband Wants A Divorce
Before we delve into getting your husband back, first, let’s make sure you don’t manifest any of these behaviors.
These will significantly lessen your chances of reconciliation and only push him further away.
Act out
First and foremost, keep your composure. Your behavior during this weird time is of vital importance.
Don’t go all crazy and start drinking and partying.
Stay away from temptations that will only make your husband more sure of his decision. Don’t bash him on social media either.
What you want to do is remain cool, calm, and collected, and spend a lot of time reflecting on how to avoid the divorce process.
Don’t immediately think that it’s too late.
Every married couple has their challenges, it’s all about figuring it out together and looking for that spark if it’s still there.
Beg him to take you back
A healthy relationship doesn’t require begging, pleading, crying, or pressuring your spouse to stay with you, especially if you notice all those signs your husband isn’t in love with you.
And I’m certain you don’t want his sense of obligation to keep him by your side.
Think about your mental health. You’re having a hard time dealing with this as it is. Begging will only make you more desperate.
Try to find out why he’s so hell-bent on divorcing you in the first place and consider all options before doing something you’ll regret.
Healthy boundaries are important. As tough as it is right now, try to remain respectful, and keep your dignity.
Try to buy back his love
Especially if you feel like your actions may have prompted his decision, trying to buy his love won’t get you anything but more misery.
Love isn’t for sale. And if you did something to jeopardize his trust in you, no money or lavish gifts could compensate – that is, unless you want him to become your ex-husband soon.
If you’ve ever been to marriage counseling, you probably understand that buying your loved ones’ love is a surefire step in the wrong direction.
Focus on reconnecting emotionally to avoid an inevitable roller-coaster of emotions.
See also: My Ex Is Dating Someone Else Already And It Hurts – This Is Why
Try to manipulate him into staying
It’s not okay to think My husband wants a divorce but I still love him, so that gives me the right to use any means necessary to keep him.
I know you’re probably saying to yourself, My divorce, my rules, but try to put yourself in his shoes.
How would you feel if he manipulated you into staying where you didn’t feel right?
Love isn’t about manipulation. Love is a natural, organic feeling that’s either there or it isn’t.
Instead of resorting to manipulative tactics, turn to good friends and say what’s on your heart.
I love my husband more than anything, but I’d never resort to lowly tactics to save my marriage, and you shouldn’t either.
Turn to his loved ones to do your bidding
Divorce proceedings are messy, complicated, and between two people.
Don’t involve your close friends or family unless absolutely necessary.
This is the time to do some soul-searching and discuss things like child support, your joint bank account, and other technicalities that need to be resolved if divorce is truly on the cards.
It’s between you two, and no one else. If there’s nothing you can do, the very least you can do is keep it civil.
The more people you try to bring into it, the more toxic it becomes.
Call and text him incessantly
When has this tactic ever made the other person want to get back to you faster? If anything, it only creates more frustration.
Take it easy with the phone calls. Especially if he’s currently sleeping on his best friend’s couch.
You want to show him that you can be considerate of his space, not the other way around.
Perhaps he just needs a breather. Divorce is a big step.
If he’s rushing into it, this time alone will give him a good chance to consider what this entails.
You’re more likely to get him back if you grant him the time he needs. After taking a step back, things become clearer.
Try to lure him back by reminding him of the good times you had
He already knows. It’s not like his memories are suddenly erased and he doesn’t remember how happy you once were.
No matter what’s keeping him away from you, past memories won’t do the trick.
Reminiscing will only make it hurt more because it’ll remind him how different things are now.
And I don’t mean in a good way. You don’t want to have to call him an ex-husband, right?
So don’t rub it in his face because he’s aware of your happy days.
He just needs time to figure out whether the two of you can get back to that place.
Give him a chance to see how jaded a future without you is.
Spy on your husband
Trust is the foundation of every marriage. If you can’t trust your life partner, then who can you trust?
Despite this rocky situation, never stoop so low as to follow him, spy on him, read his texts, and whatnot.
It’s below you, and it’s a sign that your marriage truly is beyond salvation.
If you trusted him, you wouldn’t feel the need to breach his privacy. He’ll tell you what you want to know; just ask him.
Besides, if you’re certain that he’s keeping secrets from you, how solid was your marriage anyway?
See also: Enmeshed Relationship: Definitions, Signs, And Tips To Overcome It
Here’s What You SHOULD Do When Dealing With Divorce Talk
Now that we’ve tackled all the don’ts of dealing with this situation, here are proactive steps you can take to try to change his mind.
If anything, it’ll keep your mental health in check.
Remain confident and strong regardless of his decision
As difficult as it is to swallow this right now, life moves on.
Regardless of what’s going on in his head, your life has to move forward. Especially if there are kids involved.
You have to remain strong for them too. They need both parents, not just one of you. You can’t take a break from being a mother.
So try to think about them, if not your own well-being. Being strong is your only option right now.
Live your life, do what you normally do, and pray for the best.
Hard times make you stronger, one way or another, so keep your spirits high and your chin up. If there’s love, there’s hope.
Let your husband speak what’s on his heart without judging
Keep it clean, civil, and classy. There has to be a way in which you can discuss what’s happening without pointing fingers.
It’s important that your husband knows that you’re eager to save your marriage.
It’s vital that he knows that this is a safe environment where he can speak freely and honestly.
Like I said before, without trust, you don’t have much. Trust him to share his feelings openly without lashing out.
He has the right to feel what he feels. Acknowledge his emotions, worries, and frustrations if you want to find a solution.
Be the best version of yourself
Now is the time to truly shine. Instead of thinking My husband wants a divorce but I still love him, be your best self, and focus on YOU.
Love yourself. Nurture yourself. Focus on what your needs are.
For one second, put your marriage woes on the back burner and shift the focus back to you.
You are deserving of love. Just because your husband wants a divorce, it doesn’t mean you stop taking care of yourself. This is not the time to fall apart.
This is your chance to be your best self – not for him, but for you.
And when he sees you back in your old glory, it might make him reconsider his decision. But whatever you do, do it for you.
See also: Identify, Handle, And Survive A Narcissistic Mother-In-Law
Respect him, he’s still your husband
Just because you’re dealing with something so messy, complex, and draining, it doesn’t give you the right to be disrespectful toward him.
He’s still your husband. He’s still the father of your children. Treat him with the same respect you seek in return.
Remaining classy throughout this ordeal will inevitably help the situation.
It might not get your husband back, but it will show him that despite this tremendous sadness, you can muster up the strength and remain respectful.
This will help you be civil around each other, which your kids will appreciate more than anyone.
Stay away from toxic arguments
If your husband tries to bait you into having meaningless, toxic fights, don’t indulge him.
Hopefully, you’re dealing with it in a healthy way. But if you’re not, you can be the bigger person.
Depending on the issues surrounding the divorce talk (lack of quality time, emotional affair, lost trust, etc.) keep your level of composure.
Just because you’re steering clear of pointless arguments, doesn’t mean you have to smile and dance around him.
It all depends on the issues plaguing your marriage.
But my advice is to stay away from anything that doesn’t nurture your well-being.
Try couples therapy
If you can convince your husband to join you, this might just be the step in the right direction for the salvation of your marriage.
It’s not easy admitting that you need help. It’s definitely even more difficult to relay all your personal issues and flaws to a third party.
But when you think of all the possible benefits, you have to at least consider it.
You could be dealing with something that a trained professional can help you find a way out of. Don’t be embarrassed to seek help.
Only those who know when to ask for help ultimately end up finding what they’re looking for.
Give him the space that he needs
Most importantly, give him room to breathe. Give him time to consider if he really wants this or if it’s just a minor bump in the road.
Instead of being so fixated on My husband wants a divorce, but I still love him, focus on giving him time to reevaluate his needs.
He’s having a hard time too, you know?
Just because he was the one asking for the divorce, does not mean he’s happy it has come to this.
Years of marriage down the drain is the last thing anyone wants.
Space could be the only thing keeping you married at this point. Don’t crowd him and ruin your chances of reconciliation.
See also: 30-Day Self-Love Challenge: Become The Best Version Of Yourself
Keep your day-to-day life the way it was
Not only should you keep to your day-to-day activities, but you should consider adding even more.
For example, if you’ve been neglecting spending time with close friends, now’s the time to catch up.
There is always something keeping you from just going out and unwinding. Now’s your chance to do what’s best for you.
For a moment, forget about your marital woes and find yourself again.
Turn to healthy living. Get a new hobby and exercise.
This will inevitably make you feel stronger, better, rejuvenated, and capable of handling any hurdle.
The point is to remind yourself of your strength and perseverance regardless of the state of your marriage.
Understand that you’re just as powerful without him.
No matter what transpires between you two, you are enough.
You’ve done the best that you could and whatever happens next, you’ll be okay. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but someday.
“There is no challenge strong enough to destroy your marriage as long as you are both willing to stop fighting against each other and start fighting for each other.” – Dave Willis
