I don’t think that I could have ever imagined myself being broken by someone I was ready to spend my life with. You know, I believed that once you find your other half, that’s it. Everything else falls into place and you’re happy. You have struggles, you have battles to fight, but you’re together and that’s all that matters. You fight together, dream together and breathe together. That’s what love is about, right?
But the thing is, I was never your true one. What we had was never love in the first place.
You never hit me, but you still managed to hurt me. Words hurt more than fists. The pain lingers on and on. It comes back and haunts you. Even when you’re far away from the person that hurt you, the pain is still there. You still hear their voice echoing in your mind, screaming at you that you’re not good enough. Screaming how much of a failure you are, how you will never make it on your own.
You never hit me, but your words were sharper than any knife, stronger than any fist. All those times you would make fun of my body, of my silly little mind, of my gentle heart; they’re all engraved in my soul. They were weight that was pinning me to the ground, but now I wear them like badges of honor.
You never broke any of my bones, but you managed to break my spirit. I kept saying to myself, ‘He never hit you, this is not what you think it is.’ I was trying to convince myself that what we had was not abuse—it was just a rough patch on the road. How sad it was that I had to convince myself that you love me. How sad it was that I had to justify your behavior to the point where I no longer knew what was the truth.
Every time I would apologize for something you accused me of, I would lose a part of me. Every time I kept my mouth silent, my cries for help were deafening me. Every time I obliged to your wishes, mine disappeared. I no longer hoped, I no longer believed and I no longer dreamed. I lost so much, but I still believed that I had it all.
You never bruised my body, but you bruised my heart. What you did to me, how you treated me is indescribable. How your toxic love intoxicated me, how your greed took away pieces of me, not because you needed them, just because you could. How your manipulations made me think that this is what love looks like, only to find myself all alone once you’d had enough. How hopeless I was once you left because I believed every single word you said to me. I believed that I was not enough and that I’d never find anyone like you.
God help me, right now that’s all I’m asking for. I never want to feel the way I felt with you. I never want to feel like an extra in my own movie. I never want to feel insignificant in my own relationship. I never want to feel lonely next to the person I love. Never again.
You never used fists, but your words were more than enough. Your words broke me from the inside. Body can heal, but the soul takes time and it takes love. It took me every single ounce of strength I had just to stand up. It took me years to undo the damage you’ve done. It took me years to stop hearing your voice in my head, to stop seeing your smirking face behind me, whenever I look in the mirror; to stop seeing the person you wanted me to see and instead see me for who I really am.
Because, I’m not weak. I’m not too much nor I’m too little. I refuse to give in to your words once more. I refuse to let you bruise me anymore. Because, finally, I know who you are and I know who I am. You’re just an insecure man who needs abuse to feel significant. And I’m a hell of a warrior with her own survival story. And what a fierce story that is.
