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An Open Letter To My Almost Boyfriend

An Open Letter To My Almost Boyfriend

Is there any sadder word to describe love than ‘almost’ ?

We were almost together. We almost loved each other. We almost had something special. We were almost happy.

I think about you a lot, probably more than I should. I can’t really put my finger on when it all finished. I think it happened gradually. A goodbye without a proper goodbye just sneaked up on me and I didn’t even see it coming.

We really had a great time together. We could talk about anything. It was so easy to be with you, to talk to you, and it just seemed like we had known each other for half of our lives.

I never opened up to anybody the way I did to you. All of my walls came falling down, which is why it hurt so much now.

We shared so many great memories together.

I think my favorite one is that summer night. You know I am not a romantic type; I like to keep things real. That’s why it’s funny that this one is my favorite one. But that night was so romantic, in our own style, and it meant so much.

Do you remember the two of us lying on the beach, watching shooting stars? Kissing. Laughing. Enjoying. Making wishes.

Maybe I should’ve made a wish right then and there for us to be together. But, I didn’t. I thought I had you already. I guess I thought wrong.

I am not writing this to make you feel bad or to reminisce. I don’t even know if you will find yourself in these words, even though I hope you will, just so you can remember too.

I am writing this to help myself let you go. Maybe if I let it all out, if I just write everything down, it will help me heal and move on.

I can’t figure out why you left. I know that we had it good. I hadn’t seen anything that would indicate that you were leaving. We were so close and then you suddenly started to pull back.

I guess you were scared of something. Maybe we were moving too fast. Maybe I wasn’t the right girl for you. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be. Maybe…

I still wonder if I could have done something differently. Would it have changed the outcome? What if I had looked closer? Could I have seen that you were leaving? Is there anything I could have said to change your mind? What if I had been less in love with you, would it have made you stay? What if you had just talked to me? What if…

So many maybes and so many more what ifs. I can’t really figure out which ones hurt more.

I guess it’s like that with uncertainty – it hurts more than concreteness. I just know for a fact that you were somebody that I used to know; somebody I shared everything with; somebody who made a great impact on me. You were somebody who was entirely mine but never truly mine.

Now all my maybes and what ifs are going to stay unanswered. And you know what? That’s OK.

Because after asking myself these questions, after writing this, I realize that the only answer is that you left. And in leaving you showed me that I deserve better. I deserve someone who is not scared to feel. Someone who will be all in and not scared to commit.

I deserve the kind of love that stays forever. I deserve more than almost.  To be honest darling I deserve someone better than you.