God,
It’s been a while.
It’s been much longer than I care to admit or that I want to admit. I remember the relationship we used to have. I remember how I trusted you and trusted you to guide me every step of the road I took.
I always had faith in you and that faith always kept me going.
My mom made us friends and she put in a lot of effort for us to feel close. She told me there isn’t a thing in this world I can’t tell her, but she convinced me that there isn’t a thing I can hide for you.
So you must know how sorry I am for distancing myself from you.
As you know, I was always the happiest kid in this world. If something didn’t go in the direction I wanted it, I’d just let it go.
I didn’t cry and I never got mad because I knew you have something better for me. And it turns out you did. Each and every time after a rain, I got to see the rainbow.
And that rainbow was a sign you’re there and that you’re watching my back.
Suddenly, as I grew up, I stopped being your friend. I stopped confiding in you because it just wasn’t cool anymore.
I lost my hope and I started being grumpy and started to hate everything that surrounds me.
I started panicking and holding onto things too tight, constantly being afraid I might be left without them.
I forgot that mantra from my young age: If you don’t get what you wanted, it’s because there is something better awaiting you.
The truth is, I’m tired of being scared all the time. I’m tired of breaking myself down only because I’m scared of everything, literally everything. I need you to be friends with me again.
Dear God, I know I was the bravest when I believed I had you at my side.
I believed there isn’t a thing I can’t live through because I’ve been thrown into many burning fires and I walked out of them unburnt.
I know there is always somebody who’s worse off than me. But in the times of my fear, I tend to forget this.
I keep shuddering whenever I get myself in a situation I was never in before. I get scared from accidentally turning into a wrong street or for saying something wrong.
I get scared of making mistakes, but mostly I get scared of living.
I was a challenger, an explorer, a wanderer, and it all got lost when I lost my hope in you. Actually, I didn’t lose hope in you. I remember giving up on you. And I remember exactly when that happened.
I was at an all-time low. I prayed my hardest and I believed you’d get me out of there until I eventually stopped. I stopped praying and I stopped believing in you.
And I did everything you told people not to do. I wanted you to feel as I felt. Alone. I continued living like this for years.
I lived thinking I don’t have you by my side anymore. But I was wrong, wasn’t I?
I took a pause and looked back at my life. Even if I was constantly afraid, I got further than I thought I would. Everything turned out well, even though I thought it won’t.
The only thing I got myself are these few gray hairs on my head from worrying too much.
Now I know I could’ve gone without them if I wasn’t such a control freak. Things would have ended up the way they are now regardless of me panicking about them.
So, dear God, I’m letting go. I’m letting go of my grudges, I’m letting go of my fears, and I’m letting go of this need to make everything perfect and the way I want it.
Please, forgive me. Forgive me for not trusting your way. Forgive me for doubting you. I want to be the person I was years ago. I’m going to get there and I’ll get my faith in this future.
I believe there is a shinier way for me. From now on, I’m focusing on the good things you give me rather than on the misfortunes.
It won’t be easy, but I’ll put my trust in you—that you’ll walk with me in the times of my greatest fears or my panic attacks. I trust you’ll save me as you did before.
I know it was you—there couldn’t have been anybody else. Thank you for not giving up on me.
