Detetar e parar o ciúme retroativo
We’ve all dealt with jealousy in relationships. But you haven’t seen hell if you haven’t experienced retroactive jealousy.
O que é? Como é que a reconhecemos? E, mais importante, como é que a trata?
There’s only one way to get all the answers: by reading on!
O que é o ciúme retroativo?
Em poucas palavras, retroactive jealousy is jealousy of your significant other’s romantic history. You obsess over their ex-partners, sexual history, and past romantic relationships and interests.
No entanto, há uma diferença entre ciúme retroativo e TOC de ciúme retroativo. In the first case, you’re just interested in their previous romances.
Mas se isto se transformar numa perturbação obsessivo-compulsiva, these thoughts turn into compulsions you can’t control.
Sinais de ciúme retroativo
If you experience most or all of these signs, you’re guilty of retroactive jealousy.
1. Obsessive thoughts about your partner’s previous relationships
The first sign of retroactive jealousy OCD is connected with intrusive thoughts about your significant other’s past love life. Even though you’re perfectly aware that they’ve had their share of previous relationships before you – their past starts to influence your mood.
Of course, there is a difference between retroactive jealousy OCD and just being jealous of your partner’s ex. When you suffer from this obsessive-compulsive disorder, you can’t control your thoughts.
At the end of the day, you become obsessed with your partner’s past relationships, and it is the only thing you can think of.
2. Digging through your partner’s sexual past
One would think that these unwanted thoughts are only concerned with your SO’s romantic past, in the way that you experience jealous feelings not just towards the people they were in serious relationships with but including those you know they cared for.
No entanto, não é esse o caso. De facto, também se fica obcecado com o seu passado sexual. Faz-lhes perguntas, exigindo respostas pormenorizadas.
Qual é a sua contagem de corpos? Com quantas pessoas já dormiram sem terem tido relações românticas?
You’re snooping through their sexual history and want to know literally everything about their sexual experiences.
Of course, once you get all the details, your negative thoughts start to bother you even more. But at the same time, it’s like there is a force pushing you to find out more and more. Before you know it, you’re trapped in a vicious cycle without seeing a way out.
3. Comparing yourself to your partner’s exes
Consequently, you start to compare yourself to your partner’s exes.
Há alguém que eles amaram mais do que vos amam a vós? São eles sobre o seu ex? Alguém do seu passado deu-lhe mais prazer sexual do que tu alguma vez poderias dar?
What do your partner’s exes look like? Are they more attractive than you? Are they more interesting? More successful? More educated? Funnier?
Were your partner’s past relationships more serious than your current relationship? What can you do to be better than their previous partners?
O que é que se pode fazer para os fazer esquecer a sua história romântica?
Está sempre a reproduzir diferentes filmes mentais na sua cabeça, com o seu par e o seu ex a desempenharem os papéis principais. E continua a compará-los com vocês os dois enquanto casal.
4. Stalking your significant other’s activities
Another sign of retroactive jealousy OCD is snooping through your SO’s social media, text messages, phone records, and even stalking them – as in following them around. Of course, this is not something you willingly do – your jealous thoughts make you do it.
You’re basically trying to find some clues about their past romantic life. You want to see if they’re in touch with some of their exes or if you could find any info about them.
O seu objetivo final é descobrir se they’ll get back together with their ex.
O ciúme retroativo é normal?
As long as you’re only curious about your partner’s romantic history, you feel like most people; they just refuse to admit it. You get a bad feeling every time someone mentions their name, and sometimes, you even compare yourself to them. This is an issue we all face from time to time.
No entanto, if you can’t control these jealous feelings, if you obsess over your partner’s exes, and if their previous relationships become the center of your life, you’re probably suffering from obsessive-compulsive disorder and should visit a psychiatrist.
O que causa o ciúme retroativo?
Retrospective jealousy doesn’t appear just like that. It’s a serious problem caused by some deeply rooted issues connected to your mental health.
1. Traumas passados
First of all, you’re definitely dealing with something from your past. To be exact, you haven’t dealt with something from your past – at least, not in a healthy way.
Estes sentimentos de ciúme retroativo podem ser causados por uma rutura dolorosa do passado.
Uma das suas relações anteriores terminou com o regresso do seu ex ao ex?
Estava traído por alguém do seu passado? This doesn’t have to only be a romantic partner – it can be a best friend or primary caregiver. The bottom line is that we’re talking about someone who left you when you needed them the most.
Tudo isto está a reaparecer à superfície e a causar problemas na sua relação romântica atual.
2. Questões de confiança
Tem dificuldade em confiar nas pessoas. You’re an overthinker que continua a procurar sinais de que alguém o está a tentar enganar e de que algo se passa nas suas costas.
Porquê? Tem de encontrar a causa principal da sua problemas de confiança profundamente enraizados.
Antes de mais nada, you have to ask yourself if you have a reason not to trust your partner or if you’re dealing with questões de confiança em geral.
If your partner has done something to violate your trust, it’s clearly still bothering you, even though you’ve allegedly forgiven them.
3. Inseguranças pessoais
Outra causa comum de ciúme retrospetivo está escondida em as suas inseguranças. You clearly think that you’re not suficientemente bom; otherwise, you wouldn’t be comparing yourself to your partner’s exes.
O que o impede de ver a sua autoestima? Does your partner make you feel like you’re não é suficiente? Ou estas inseguranças estão relacionadas com algo ou alguém fora da vossa relação?
Antes de avançar, é necessário responder a estas perguntas.
4. Estilo de fixação
I’m sure you’re familiar with the different estilos de fixação. Bem, se se pode relacionar com o estilo de vinculação ansiosoÉ uma das razões do seu ciúme retroativo.
Your relationship and your SO are your only preoccupation. You’re obsessed with them, and your biggest fear is losing them.
It’s more than obvious that you’re emotionally dependent on this person, which is never good. In that case, you’re not only dealing with retroactive jealousy – your obsessive thoughts refer to your entire relationship.
5. Falta de comunicação saudável
If you don’t have comunicação saudável in your relationship, these feelings of retroactive jealousy shouldn’t surprise you.
Instead of talking to your partner about what’s bothering you both (yes, that includes your past lives as well), you direct different mental movies in your head.
Every time you asked your partner about their exes, they gave you vague responses, and it’s made you doubt the entire thing. Even when you try to share your intrusive thoughts with them, they don’t take you seriously and refuse to talk about it.
Consequently, you think that you’re right for feeling this way. You assume that you’re jealous for a reason and that they’re clearly hiding something from you!
Qual é a sensação do ciúme retroativo?
O ciúme retroativo é a combination of intrusive thoughts you can’t control, insecurities, self-doubts, trust issues, irrational paralyzing fears, and low self-esteem.
Como posso parar o ciúme retroativo?
Overcoming retroactive jealousy is possible and here’s exactly how it can be done!
1. Identificar a causa
It’s like this with everything in life: you can’t cure the symptoms without identifying the cause. So now that you know what causes retroactive jealousy, tem de ver qual é a raiz principal do seu problema.
Which of the causes can you relate to the most? Once you have that figured out, you’re good to go!
2. Don’t repress your feelings
At first, you might think that ignoring your jealous thoughts will make them go away. Well, guess what – it won’t.
These are unwanted thoughts, and all OCD sufferers know it’s impossible to just ignore them. Besides, repressing your emotions is never healthy.
Em vez disso, é preciso olhá-las bem nos olhos e perguntar a si próprio porque as sente.
De que é que tenho medo? Qual é a pior coisa que pode acontecer?
Why am I so obsessed with my partner’s romantic history? Am I allowed to have a romantic past? If the answer is yes, why is my SO different?
Será que me falta alguma coisa na minha relação que me faz sentir assim?
3. Identificar os seus padrões de comportamento tóxico
The next step is to work on your behavior patterns. You can’t snap your finger and chase away your intrusive thoughts, but you can be in charge of your actions.
How many times a day do you check your SO’s ex’s social media profiles? How many times a day do you look at that one photo of them together you managed to find?
Well, it’s about time to reduce it and finally stop with this habit.
The same goes for snooping through your partner’s phone and reading their text messages. After all, if you can’t trust the person you’re with, maybe it’s better to break up right away!
4. Seja honesto com a sua cara-metade
Whether you like to admit it or not, your partner feels your retroactive jealousy. It’s time to be honest with them regarding this issue. Tell them how you feel and do your best to explain everything in detail.
Make sure you tell them that you don’t lay any responsibility on their shoulders. They’re not giving you any reason to feel retroactive jealousy, but you feel it nevertheless.
É claro que isto só é possível se houver uma comunicação saudável. Se não for esse o caso, há que trabalhar nesse aspeto antes de qualquer outra coisa.
5. Trabalhar a autoestima
O essencial é aprender a coloque-se em primeiro lugar na sua vida.
Ter um relação saudável with your partner is significant – nobody can argue against that. But you know what’s even more important? Building a healthy relação consigo próprio.
Se trabalhar a sua autoestima and learn how to love yourself, you’ll realize that you don’t need this person. Actually, you don’t need anyone besides yourself.
Once you understand that, you’ll realize that even the worst-case scenario wouldn’t be the end of the world. So, what if they really did go back to their ex?
Posso garantir-vos uma coisa: sobreviveriam!
6. Reformular os seus padrões de pensamento
Your thought patterns have become a compulsion, and if you think about overcoming retroactive jealousy, it’s time to reframe them. What does that mean?
Antes de mais, sempre que centrar-se no passadoSe o seu relacionamento atual não for bom, redireccione os seus pensamentos para algo bonito.
Every time you think about the qualities of your partner’s ex, name a few things that make you such a great girlfriend or boyfriend.
Sempre que pensar no amor que os dois partilharam, redireccione os seus pensamentos para a fantástica relação que vocês têm.
7. Pedir ajuda profissional
Finally, if you suffer from a form of OCD, you’re unlikely to resolve it without psychotherapy.
A TCC (terapia cognitivo-comportamental) provou ser bem sucedida para muitas pessoas que sofrem de TOC, e é algo que deve considerar com o seu profissional de saúde mental.
Either way, what’s important is to know that there is no shame in asking for help.
Para terminar:
I know this is easier said than done, but please, don’t allow the past to destroy your present and future. The worst part is that it’s not even your past to begin with.
Don’t let retroactive jealousy get the best of your current relationship. Remember: if your SO wanted to be with any of their exes, that’s exactly what they would have done. But they are with you, aren’t they?
