La migliore lista di limiti per la suocera: 15 limiti

Let’s take a deep breath and tackle one of the most sensitive, but crucial topics for every married woman: rapporti con i suoceri. O, per essere precisi, la suocera. O forse dovrei dire la suocera-mostro?

Beh, lasciate che vi dia una buona notizia: it’s possible to have a relazione sana con il vostro husband’s mother. And, you know what’s necessary for that to happen?

Questo elenco di confini per suocera! L'unico modo per impedirle di oltrepassare i limiti e di interferire in ogni aspetto della vostra vita è quello di stabilire dei confini sani fin dall'inizio.

Ecco le regole di base e le limitazioni più importanti!

Quali sono i confini sani con i suoceri?

Healthy boundaries with your husband’s family are all limitations, which impose them to finally understand that you’re his primary family now. They have to learn to respect you, your attitudes, opinions, privacy, personal time, and space…

Elenco dei limiti per una suocera

​Here is the ultimate list of boundaries for a mother in law that you should set if you want a happier family life.

1. Non criticare la relazione

Rule number 1: nobody is allowed to criticize your relationship or either of the partners. Actually, let’s be clear: your suocera narcisistaLa cognata, il suocero, il migliore amico o un membro della famiglia non hanno il diritto di avere un'opinione sul modo in cui voi e il vostro coniuge gestite il vostro matrimonio.

Potrebbero non gradire il modo in cui lei e suo marito fate qualcosa. Possono non essere d'accordo con alcune delle vostre decisioni. Ma devono tenere la loro opinione per sé.

I know I’ve heard my MIL telling me that “things weren’t like that back in her days” or “how she would do something differently”. She wasn’t criticizing my marriage straightforwardly, but she was definitely doing it indirectly.

That’s exactly why one of your ground rules should be to ban this right from the start. If you catch your MIL starting to criticize some of your relationship practices, tell her that it’s not acceptable and ask her for some privacy.

2. No “choosing the side”.

Let’s get one thing straight: parental love and romantic love are two different concepts. They can’t be measured, and they shouldn’t be compared.

Tuttavia, nonostante questo, uno dei più comuni comportamenti tossici visto in famiglie allargate who don’t care about you is the practice of “choosing the side.”

“Do you really love her more than you love your mother?” “I can’t believe your wife’s needs are more important than mine.”

“She can come and go, but your mother stays with you forever.” “You can have as many wives as you want throughout your life, but you only have one mother.”

“Who will you trust more: me or her?” “Are you really going to choose her side?”

Le suona familiare? Se è così, tua madre sta facendo del suo meglio per far scegliere a tuo marito tra te e lei.

This is not acceptable, and you have to make that clear from day one! Even if you and her don’t get along, she is still his mother and you’re his wife. That’s the end of it!

3. Limitazioni delle vacanze

Here’s another important thing on the list of boundaries for a mother-in-law, and it’s related to the holidays! I know what you must think right now: it’s only a couple of days a year, so why bother dealing with it?

Beh, fidatevi di me quando vi dico che dovrebbe essere nella vostra lista dei limiti per la suocera! Le vacanze possono essere il periodo più allegro dell'anno, ma allo stesso tempo possono essere un disastro in attesa di accadere e una motivo della depressione.

It’s all up to you and up to the limits you set.

Chi ospiterà le vacanze? Ricordate che probabilmente avete anche una famiglia allargata.

Trascorrerete tutte le vacanze con la vostra famiglia allargata? Forse, a volte, volete usare questi giorni per riposare e stare con vostro marito e i vostri figli senza ricevere visite.

Se i suoceri vengono a trovarvi, dove alloggeranno? Per quanto tempo possono rimanere in casa vostra?

Le stesse domande valgono per le situazioni in cui si va a trovarli!

4. You’re in charge of your own children

Trust me: you’ll need to make a special list of boundaries for your mother-in-law once the new baby comes. I get it: she’ll be crazy for her grandkid, but please don’t let her forget that you and your husband are the primary caregivers!

Lei e suo marito siete gli unici responsabili di cose quali allattamento al seno, the baby’s sleeping schedule, etc. Of course, this applies to the children’s upbringing and your parenting style later in the future as well.

For example, if you decide that there’s no putting your child in front of the TV or no ice cream before dinner, she has to respect that, even if she disagrees with your decision! On the other hand, if you choose gentle parenting, she’s in no place to discipline your children in the way she finds appropriate!

Here’s a piece of advice: se pensate che il vostro suocera won’t respect your decisions, limitations, and parenting style, don’t ask her to babysitter.

Tell her that you don’t wish to burden her since you know your child is a piece of work!

5. Nessuna ingerenza nelle decisioni private

Private decisions regarding your marriage are not your MIL’s concern.

I’m talking about things such as the fact that you don’t want to have children or the way you divide your house chores. And, of course, let’s not forget everything related to finances!

I can’t stress the importance of this enough. Fidatevi di me, ci sono dei ficcanaso suoceri che cercheranno letteralmente di sbirciare sotto le vostre lenzuola.

If you and your spouse decided not to cook on a daily basis, she’s in no position to talk you out of it. If you decided to have a cat instead of children, it’s your choice and she must respect it.

Remind her that you’re her daughter-in-law and not a machine for giving her grandkids. She mustn’t forget that you’re both adults, and that she has no right to invade your personal space, time, or decision-making process.

6. Nessun favore se accompagnato da condizioni

How do you set boundaries with your MIL? Well, for starters, don’t accept any favors if they come with certain conditions (and, in most cases, they do).

Your MIL might offer to babysit. You’re probably exhausted and you’ll be more willing to accept.

Be careful because that is likely to be a trap! If you allow her to help you with the children, she’ll see it as a green light to interfere with your parenting methods.

Lo stesso vale per le finanze. Potrebbe offrirvi un prestito o addirittura darvi del denaro quando voi e vostro marito siete in crisi.

However, that doesn’t give her the right to interfere with your future financial calls or to nag about your bad money management skills.

7. Non saranno tollerate pratiche passivo-aggressive.

Here is another important thing on the list of boundaries for a mother-in-law: don’t tolerate aggressività passiva. Queste pratiche non sono sempre facili da individuare, ma credetemi, possono rovinare il vostro matrimonio!

A volte sembra che il vostro suocera difficile è preoccupato per il tuo benessere, but she’s actually making nasty comments about your parenting or marital skills. This must be identified and stopped on time.

You think that hateful remarks that hit below the belt are the worst. Well, there’s something even worse: gaslighting.

Sometimes, your husband’s mother will try to convince you, your husband, and the entire extended family that “she didn’t mean it like that” or that “you misinterpreted her advice”. Don’t let these practices continue!

La cosa più importante è costruire una fiducia illimitata con il vostro partner. Suo marito crederà a lei o ai suoi genitori?

8. Your house – your rules

Per quanto possa sembrare severa, questa regola è il modo per preservare la vostra salute mentale. Ripetete dopo di me: a casa vostra valgono le vostre e solo le vostre regole.

Il tuo suocera (e il tuo i propri genitori) sono solo ospiti e devono rispettare queste regole.

First of all, there is no barging in and disrupting your peace. As much as you love your family, they can’t be showing up unannounced whenever they feel like it.

Domande importanti

Affinché questa regola si applichi, lei e suo marito dovete accordarvi sulle visite.

Con quale frequenza possono venire a trovarci? Quanto tempo devono rimanere? Le vostre famiglie possono passare la notte qui o è meglio che rimangano in albergo?

Cucinerai cene in famiglia ogni tanto o porterete i vostri suoceri al ristorante?

Naturalmente, tutto dipende dalle dinamiche familiari e da altri fattori.

It’s one thing if your mother- and father-in-law live across the street. In that case, you have to put an effort into setting healthy boundaries unless you want to end up on a set of Everybody loves Raymond.

But, hey… you don’t want to end up like their favorite holiday destination or a free hotel they spend a few months a week in either.

9. Nessun tipo di abuso

When people hear the word ‘abuse’, all they think is physical violence. But, trust me… there are numerous other forme di abuso che sono caratteristici di una vita familiare tossica.

Lei e suo marito dovete diventare fronte unito e attenersi all'atteggiamento che chiamare per nome, insultare e umiliare è anche una forma di abuso. To be exact, it’s called abuso emotivo, and it won’t be tolerated.

The no-abuse policy is especially important when it comes to your children. Your husband’s mother or your own mother will perhaps want to discipline their grandkids in the way they find appropriate.

Explain to them that they’re not allowed to spank them, yell at them, or abuse them in any other way. Don’t let your overstepping MIL even negotiate about this; it’s your decision and it has to be respected.

10. Regolamentazione delle telefonate e degli SMS

Here’s another important item on the list of boundaries for a mother-in-law: regulation of phone calls and text messages.

Don’t get me wrong: I’m not advising you to block her on everything the moment you say “I do”. That wouldn’t be a healthy relationship either.

However, you didn’t get married to spend all of your days texting her and talking on the phone with her either. Therefore, per salvare il proprio salute mentale, formano un fronte unito with your husband, and agree when and how often it’s okay for her to call and text.

Once again, it all depends on the family dynamics. What if you’re used to hearing from your own parents every day, but your husband only texts his father and mother once a week?

In that case, you two have to find the middle ground here – a solution that will be acceptable for both of you.

11. I consigli indesiderati non sono graditi

Questo potrebbe essere uno shock per tutte le madri che si fanno troppo desiderare: Nessuno ha bisogno o vuole sentire consigli indesiderati. Questo vale per il vostro matrimonio, il nuovo bambino, il vostro spazio personale, cooking skills… the list goes on and on.

But, what’s important is for your MIL to understand this as soon as possible. If you don’t ask for her opinion, she is not invited to give it to you.

However, you have to be extra careful here. She’ll probably get all defensive and do her best to convince you that she’s telling you all of it because she’s worried about your well-being.

And, maybe she really is. Nevertheless, both you and your husband are adults. You’re perfectly capable of making your own decisions.

Even if you regret them or do something wrong, you’re the only ones who suffer the consequences.

12. Riunioni programmate

We’ve already discussed the fact that your MIL has to know that she can’t come into your house unannounced and uninvited. Well, the best way to prevent this from happening is this item on the list of boundaries for mother-in-law-scheduled get-togethers.

Cene in famiglia, celebrations; it all has to be planned in advance. You’ll have enough time to clean the house, get your schedule in order, and get financially and mentally prepared.

It’s likely that your MIL will accuse you of treating her like a business partner once you try to impose this rule. Don’t let her get inside your head!

Just tell her that you’re busy, and that you’re doing all of this to give her your undivided attention when she’s with you!

13. La franchezza è incoraggiata

Non c'è bisogno di andare dietro l'angolo a lamentarsi l'uno dell'altro. Se voi e qualsiasi membro del vostro famiglia allargata (e questo vale soprattutto per vostra madre) hanno un problema l'uno con l'altro, siate diretti al riguardo.

Of course, never forget to be respectful. You’re allowed to talk about whatever is bothering you as long as you do it properly.

14. La condivisione delle informazioni è volontaria

Alcune madri di famiglia pensano che nel momento in cui ricevono una nuora, hanno anche il via libera per entrare nella sua vita, nella sua mente, nel suo cuore e nella sua anima. Questa giovane donna è diventata parte della famiglia e ha quindi perso tutta la sua individualità.

Beh, sbagliato!

You’re in no obligation to share your secrets or personal information with your MIL, especially if we’re talking about an superamento MIL. E non ha il diritto di arrabbiarsi per questo.

You’re not hiding anything from her – you just chose to keep some things for yourself.

Being nosey is disrespectful and it equals invading your and your husband’s personal space. You two are a team, and whatever happens between you two should stay right there.

Tenete presente che questa donna potrebbe diventare vostra amica con il tempo, ma non sarà mai il suo ruolo principale. Non è la vostra migliore amica a cui raccontare i vostri desideri più profondi e i vostri segreti più oscuri.

E non ha il diritto di lamentarsi per questo.

15. Le regole vanno rispettate

This list of boundaries for a mother-in-law shouldn’t be just a bunch of theoretical rules that nobody actually follows. Le regole e i regolamenti devono essere rispettati e la vostra MIL deve esserne consapevole fin dal primo giorno.

If necessary, mention the possible consequences of her overstepping. No, I’m not telling you to threaten her or to emotionally blackmail her. Just make sure she realizes that every action has its reaction!

Vedi anche: I miei suoceri mi trattano come un estraneo: 8 cose da fare al riguardo

Come si fa a stabilire dei limiti con una suocera prepotente?

Per cominciare, bisogna essere diretti. Ditele che la rispettate e che amate il ruolo che ha nella vostra vita, ma definizione dei confini è necessario per il bene di tutti voi. La cosa migliore è che sia il vostro coniuge a stabilire questi limiti e a spiegarle la loro importanza.

Vedi anche: Prendere le distanze dai suoceri: Dovete farlo e come?

Per concludere

I can’t emphasize enough how important this list of boundaries for a mother-in-law is. If you two are getting along great, you might think you don’t need these limitations, but trust me – you do.

You never know when things can start going downhill. That’s exactly why you need a list of rules that everyone respects.

Sometimes, these boundaries seem difficult to follow at first. However, once you all get used to them, you’ll see that they’re actually a recipe for a successful relationship.