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To Every Girl Who Has Ever Lost Herself To A Narcissistic Man

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Have you ever loved a man so strongly, immensely and naively that you thought you are one lucky girl who found her ‘happily ever after’ in one man? Well, I did. Has it ever happened to you that you loved the wrong guy and strongly believed that he’s the one? Well, it did to me.

After him, things kept slipping through my fingers. After him, happiness was something I just heard stories of. And sadness came to me in waves. Memories would just take turns and I’d be overwhelmed by the emotions they’d bring along.

For a long time, I wondered if I would be able to grasp the meaning of my life again. I wondered if I would ever get back to normal or if I’ll ever be capable of loving again. God knows it was something that love was hundreds of miles away from me. God knows I had almost given up.

I wasn’t always like this. I was one of those happy women that were always grateful for what they had. I was one of those who enjoyed her life, smiled and laughed every day, and I was one of those who’d go to sleep with enthusiasm for the new day.

But dating a narcissist changed me. I wasn’t half the person I used to be after he was done with me. The same enthusiasm I had before we got together in the morning now turned into a fear of getting out of bed. My happiness was replaced with anxiety.

For a long time, I was ashamed of letting him change me. For a long time, I was ashamed of the person I became, but mostly I was ashamed that I allowed him to get the best of me. I should’ve known better.

I trusted him.

He made me trust him. He did everything to convince me he’s got my back and that he’s my person. He made me feel like I could count on him and that he’d do anything for me. He kept making promises and I always waited for those promises to be kept. But they never were. Because he made me trust him just so he could betray me.

He made me feel safe.

For a while, I felt like I could call him for a rescue mission and he’d come any time of the day. For a while, I thought he was my safe heaven—but he was far from that. He made me feel safe just so I would let my guard down. Once I let my guard down, his mission was accomplished because I was absolutely unprotected from his attack. I never saw them coming.

I loved him.

I allowed somebody who had a history of broken relationships to be a part of my life. I gave my heart, body, and soul to a man who had no idea what love was. I loved him with every cell in my body and I gave him my love unconditionally, irrevocably and selflessly and I completely lost myself to him. But only because he convinced me he can be taught to love. But you can’t teach a narcissist to love. It’s just not in his system. Love is just an abstract word he’ll never feel.

I lost myself to a man who was incapable of love.

He made me a prisoner of my love.

Woman holding her hair back in dark room

I stayed with him because I believed it was for love. I always believed in love. I believed humans were created from two bodies and one soul and that I had found my other soul, my other half in him. But, he wasn’t my soulmate.

He was somebody who got the best of me. He was somebody who fed on my misery. He was somebody who needed me to be down so he could feel good about himself. And I let him do that to me because I was naive. I romanticized my suffering and I made myself believe I was a hero fighting love. But all I was was stupid for falling for a narcissist.

I lost myself to a narcissistic person…

I stopped believing I’m worthy and that I deserve to be loved. I lost my confidence. I lost my self-worth. I let his selfishness win and I allowed it to be all about him. I let him blame me for everything and I let him manipulate him. None of this was consensual and yet it happened. I lost myself.

But I found myself again.

I went through a living hell for a man. I was the best version of myself. I gave all in and I held nothing back. I wish I could say I didn’t get anything out of it, but that’s not how the story ended. I got a whole new life lesson out of it.

I might have been a wreck for a while, but I wasn’t going to allow myself to be that for the rest of my life. It’d mean he won and I couldn’t let that happen.

So I picked myself up and I started sewing my ripped pieces one by one. I mended every hole in my heart one by one. I patched every hole in my soul as well. I’d leave my house with my head held high as if what he did to me was nothing.

He walked over me one too many times that I had no choice but to show him the door out of my life.

Because of how he treated me, I thought I wasn’t worthy of love. It took me a while but I realized that I am more than enough—it was him who didn’t deserve to be loved.

April Callaghan
the authorApril Callaghan

75 Comments

  • Love this paragraph as it is so true from a Selfish Individual:
    “He made me trust him. He did everything to convince me he’s got my back and that he’s my person. He made me feel like I could count on him and that he’d do anything for me. He kept making promises and I always waited for those promises to be kept. But they never were. Because he made me trust him just so he could betray me.”

    ☆Find the truth early and often!

    • For all the Girls and women going through the pain of letting go of his love because you are addicted i urge you to Keep crying and praying God is listening to you, i was willing to be given Crumbs of love but just not to feel the pain of letting the venom of a toxic relationship sucked out of me. I would call that process spiritual i was in so much pain that i could feel the pain of my Soul right in the middle of my chest. I kept going back to that man depressed as i was and he would sleep to another room by himself totally demonstrating that he has No interesst in me but would always make sure that he told me he loves me thousand times a day (Manipulation of the highest order)…….Long Story short…..something happened between me and my Son and i was so saddened by his behaviour and that man had nothing to do but cringe with satisfaction and bam! that was it, the Moment the dark skys opened and the sun came out. the crazy love i felt for that man tossed in a dustbin like it never existed in the first place (10 years marriage) i walked away Feeling strong like Samson in the bible. He tried to threaten with suicide and never seeing my Son again blah blah blah……it was over finito, one month later i look at his Pictures he is not even my type am way too beautifull for him (sometimes i got to appreciate myself) YES! I am beautifull from inside out.

        • Thank you for all these comments. I am currently struggling with a relationship. He is manipulative and self centered. He says I love you to keep me around and I sadly still go back to him. I picked him up from a bad place and he took all the positivity out of me so I’m all drained. All along I found out he lies through his teeth and keeps lying. I am hurt and I am broken. I am graduating from grad program today yet feel very unaccomplished. I cannot see straight and I need guidance.

          • Cindy I’m so sorry to hear of your heartache. It is so debilitating to put your all in and get nothing back. Please know that you are so special to God and he is the only one worthy to give our all to. I’m saying a prayer for you right now 🙂 keep your head up! God loves you!!

          • CIndy,
            My dear, i was in your same position. Oh gosh, nearly left 10 times or even more before i left for good. It was through meeting a very good friend that eventually helped me stay away. I say it was a gift from god because without this friend i wouldnt of been strong enough to leave- they can be that powerful. Its been 8 months and my days are still filled with thoughts of him, depression and anxiety. My heart aches for u my dear, because mine lied to me too. About so much- who he was talking to, porn, who he’d see when he’d go out of town. He was a terrible man and yet i dedicated my entire being to him. I understand u staying with yours but just know,,,,when u do leave, if u do, the longer u have invested makes it that much harder afterwards. My hair stylist had a husband i came to find out was also a narcissist, and the cheating never stops 🙁 they suck your confidence and assuredness in yourself. They suck your soul. They dont want u happy. And they always lie- like it means nothing

          • I am starting the road to recovery following over four years of being emotionally and psychologically abused. I am suffering with anxiety and depression.
            During the ‘relationship’, nothing I said seemed to matter, nothing I did felt good enough, nothing I tried to talk about – feelings, opinion – mattered. I’ve never felt so alone in a relationship. When I tried to explain my thoughts and feelings – nothing.
            I turned into a person I didn’t recognise. I now question everything about myself.
            Practically, yes, I’m free but psychologically, I’m suffering

          • I feel the exact same way Cindy! First of all congratulations on your graduation! I also feel completely drained all the time. I keep going back (we have children and 13 years of marriage). I just keep praying God will open my eyes to what is the right thing to do. Keep your head up and find something that makes you happy! I’m trying to do the same!

        • sorry. this has nothing to do with a nebulous entity that doesn’t exist. this is about HUMAN behaviour. kindly keep religion out of this.

          • Who are you to tell people what they can and can’t talk about? Why don’t you keep your negative, controlling, narcissistic comments out of this, Dave?

      • Mary, I cried at your post. I left june 2017, but still find myself struggling and dealing with daily depression and severe anxiety, and i miss him but even more hate myself for missing him and allowing him to still have space in my mind. But after all- we were trained and conditioned to ONLY think about them right? The point where u talk about the sky opening really brought tears to my eyes because girl, i feel ya. Blessed doesnt even define how i am for that moment. The moment that freed us. The pain and healing doesnt end at that moment, but at least we got away. Thank u for sharing your story.

      • I needed to read this because sometimes all i got is a prayer to god. Hearing those words from u reassured me its what i should do and what will help.

        • I dated the narcissist, or maybe he is a sociopath for less than a month over a year ago and I am still not the same person I was before. I left him, but not before he assaulted my soul and said/did such terrible things. How have I lived this long not know that such evil exists? He still haunts me over a year later. He cyberstalks me, harasses me and taunts me. I think I have broken free of him, and then he pops up via fake profiles and numbers to remind me of how he has violated me. He tells me he will never leave me alone. Most days, I am OK now, but some days I feel hopeless and angry and desperate to forget the trauma that still replays in my mind. I also feel so disappointed in myself that this monster has gotten the best of me. I ask myself why that isn’t enough for him – why does he keep returning to rub salt in my wounds and to tell me that I am worthless? I don’t know that I will ever be able to trust again, or to be intimate with someone again and this is exactly what he wants. I am sure there are many others who have been abused by him and it makes me absolutely ill to think that he is out there now likely looking for new victims. He has so many people fooled. I have a good therapist but unless you have lived it I don’t think it is possible to understand.

          • At least get a restraining order. The “me too” movement has shaken the soul of our country. Make sure law enforcement knows you are at risk.

      • I am so sorry you had to go thru this . . . this is my current situation and the hurt is almost unbearable . . . I do cry a lot – and I have some very strong days too – but trying to understand is the most difficult and knowing that someone who loved (or so I thought) for 11 years just lost interest in me just hurts my heart so much . . .

  • i lived that too. i stayed fir 25 years for the family unit and because he swore over and over things would be different.. now still feeling the abuse post divorce through continued manipulation… freedom is in the offing,however,
    i can smell it.

  • Some time you give your enemy to much credit. Take share in the blame. I use to be a narciest without knowing i was ,but after i fixed myself and try to clean up my mess. I found OUT WOMAN LOVE the BROKEN MAN PROJECT! Its like those home improvement shows where you think its a small ez fix until you take down THE WALLS and see THE BIG FIX…. well by that time your so much invested you keep moving deeper with hopes of an end in sight….but NOPE none!
    As a former Narciest take it from me….its worth spending the extra time or MONEY in something that dont need fixing. I APOLOGIZE for time lost…..#Cut&Run

  • This is currently happening to me.. I’m devastated.. I feel alone, confused, my mind wanders and my pain is unbearable.. I cry myself to sleep every night.. please help how did you overcome this pain & nightmare! My suffering was both emotional/ verbal & physical… I was once a happy girl and now I don’t even recognize myself!

    • Kim please know you are so special to the one who created you!! He loves you regardless of anything! All he requires in turn is a heart for him. He is so gentle and kind and caring and he heals the pain. I’m dealing with this as well but I know with God I have strength in my weakness. Please know God loves you just how you are!!

    • KIm, i was in your exact same shoes!! Oh my goodness, thinking “this is it this is my life.” Id hope hed stay nice when he had those moments but this nasty devil would always come back. I hate to use a religion term but its so true. Like his eyes would go black. Start educating yourself on the conditiOn and why we are attracted to someOne like that. Co dependecy, gaslighting, deflecting, gray rocking. Look up those terms. Watch youtube videos to bring light to urself so U CAN REALIZE ITS NOT YOU its him and he has sucked that good out of u because HE HIMSELF is not good. He had taken you because thats what they do. You’re just burried not lost my dear. I was admitted to the hospital for crises because of him. He would spit at me wrestle me criticize me talk to me so degradingly just as you descrived your situation. How do you overcome it? Bring light to yourself on why they are that way. You have to gain strength to leave, replace him with something else to fill the emptinnesss and start to heal YOU. But it isnt until you leave that u can start to heal again. Ask yourself do you want to do this your whole life? When its worse being with them than it is being alone is when you will leave. Good luck sweetie.

    • I’m still in limbo at his beck an call an I feel grateful when he messages me or wants to see me. I am far from delusional an know its only because he has no one else or no money. But he was the first relationship I felt in a team with, as cliché as it sounds it was me an him against the world. I’m 30 years old an he is the only person that can make me feel small but the odd occasion he can make me feel like the only girl in the world. I can’t seem to let go as I’ve lost myself and my independence and I don’t know where to find myself again. I don’t like change and am struggling. I’ve always embraced life with both hands and now I don’t see the point

  • I’m so sorry this is happening to you- I just left an abusive and narcissistic husband. It’s a long hard road back, but with my friends, family, and Higher Power- (God) I am slowly recovering. I would also recommend cojnselong to put things into perspective- you can do it! Start by dispelling all the negativity he’s put in your mind, And one day at a time, doing ‘the next right things’, you can take care of yourself, and put it all behind you- We have to get over the. victim mode, and take charge of our own lives. Because of my being financially dependent on him, I’ve received help from the crime victims program, in which all states have some form of help available. I’ll be praying you find the strength and resources you need to become whole again!

  • It’s kike you’re talking right to me. And to think I was just about to post something about this yesterday. Thank you Kelly for your blogs. They help brings perspective more than you know. I appreciate you!

  • I am going through it right now, I went from the light of the party laughing go out of my way to see people smile and very rarely would I think anger thoughts or depression on how the hell I got here I was and I still am a strong woman. What scares me is not so much that he will cause bodily harm to me but that when he goes there and comes at me I go from 0 to thousand in wanting to rip his eyes out and throat jugular. Then with who and what I was before him kind heart and always wanting to help people that are in need it melts my heart and the charm and promises are layed back on and I feel like a dope fein trying to get that first high as they say chasing the dragon. No I am not a dope fien in fact I dont even drink( this lady has to have her coffee and cig) and my thoughts are he is lucky I dont drink in the past I am pretty out -spoken and loud in a happy way. He is suppose to leave tomorrow and I told him if he doesnt I will have his belongings packed and out on the street. I know from that point on I need to go to counselling to get this rage out of me that he thinks its ok to steal ones sunshine that loved him so unconditionally and he was my first relationship I feel deeply in love with and I am angry that he ruined us as you can see I keep going on that I now want him to pay for what he thinks is ok to do to people. You only get one chance to live how dare he think he can take my one ticket to live a healthy happy life and rob me of love that nurturing and contentment. GOD guide me out of this madness

  • I had to uproot my life and bought a one way plane ticket across the country to get away and even still over one year later he tries to get to me but I’m just learning how to heal slowly but surely. Life is too short to live so miserably. No one should rob you of your happiness. Start planning your escape to happiness.

  • How do you know though?
    I love my boyfriend, but I am miserable.
    Is he narcissistic or am I depressed?
    He lights up whenever he speaks to another good looking female, but seems “blah” while in my company. We do spend a lot of time together.
    He’s omitted inappropriate conversations with other women, also has gone out to talk to another woman about issues he’s having in our relationship. He turned that around on me. He fights with me because I don’t give him enough blow jobs. Is that what grown men actually do? When we argue he’s the one kicking me out of the house or our business, but I never kick him out or threaten to call the cops on him.
    Am I foolish here?

  • I’m a man of 27 solid, wholesome, blessed years; and I’ve never been with a Woman that wasn’t narcissistic and spoiled. Always ended up with the sneaky, disloyal-type.

  • Stop the self pity party. NOONE can make you do something if you put boundries correctly. Take responsibility for your actions instead saying ” he made me do this and that”. That means you are open to any manipulation.
    Claim ownership of your actions, learn more about stopping manipulative behaviour beforehand and stop the self pity party.

    • Ok i get what ur saying but abuse is NOT a pity party. This ACTUALLY affects women’s physical health. AND people get into this because of their own psychological issues so ITS NOT THAT EASY as u say in your post. Some
      Women have pasts and backgrounds and persoanliaties that set them up for being manipulated and it isnt until we experience it that we learn what it is, what we did wrong, and what we should have done. Stop victim blaming. You were just like all his friends- his flying monkeys.

      • You accusing me of being like his friends proves my theory right. I have been manipulated, abused, assaulted. At least I have the guts to accept my responsibility and move on without putting all wrongdoings to one person.
        You are subjective, a matyr…and you will be manipulated with this mind set all your life.

        Good luck!!

    • It may sound like a self pity party. You do not realise it’s happening to you at the time. As the put downs on me would turn to praise. But the praise was soon ripped apart before you know it your head is constantly wondering what the he’ll you have done. Before you realise it it you have been robbed of a personality. I noticed on here as well as myself they like to pick the strong people. They like to pick the happy people who would help anyone. It ain’t self pity. It’s emotional abuse and you don’t know it’s happening till it’s too late. Once it’s too late your a shadow of your former self. If that’s a self pity party then I will admit I pity myself. I probably do as I’m at the stage of being so angry at myself for letting some narcissus turn me into someone I don’t lie or want to be. The 1 thing that keeps me going maybe that self pity of it ain’t my fault. I am not taking the blame for what someone did to me and I was unaware because I was the one who cares to much for people who obviously didn’t love me. I struggle, I con standby have the thoughts in my head that my life is now being recorded. Also being filed in and transcriptions made as I have a daughter. This narcissus also had another woman pregnancy same time without my knowledge. He lived double life by all costs. Now every time I stay away my poor mother has to look at it. As I think he does love his daughter. Then I think what is he doing to my daughter. Constart threats of court I grew in end and now say well go ahead. He never does he says it’s too stop the texts. I stopped them the only reason they happened was due to past. But he transcript everything for my daughter to show her when older??? He picked his own access I let him have access. In the full 4 years. He says he is going to court to make me get my recondemption. A child’s access court?? Her name isn’t even in the reason why. So why is he doing this why won’t he let me move on and be happy??? So if I have self pity in me then excuse me. The fight is with myself to love my life again. To enjoy my life with my children. To get this anger to go for feeling like a victim. All these comments I relate too………in my head though I just think stop!!!! When will it all stop. How can anyone want someone to be unhappy and why????

  • It’s more then just holding yourself head high. What did you do to see yourself back together? If all it took was walking out the front door holding your head high, then everyone would do it? What happens when you finally do walk out the front door and in the middle of the day you burst into tears? At night when alone you literally want to die?

    • I think those times are the worst 🙁 this article really brings more light to the devastation and not so much how u can have an eventual happy ending. For me, its been finding things to replace those times with. ANd in that, u find urself again and what u like. Its a bumpy process thats for sure but eventually, it gets to be a route u want over the abuse. I took me many many times but eventually u just get so SICK of the cycles. U have him happy but uk right around the corner is another freak out.

  • I know I did wrong and I hurt from what I did to her everyday, but to say I can’t love is wrong, what I did was wrong but I do love her with every fiber of my being. I realized the things I’ve done and I’ve tried and tried to show her that I love her and treat her like a Queen that she is but she keeps throwing the past in my face. Now that it’s over I feel like I’m dying everyday and my life is not whole with out her. This also ” He was somebody who fed on my misery. He was somebody who needed me to be down so he could feel good about himself. ”
    I did not, when she was hurting for anything I did I tried to make it right cause seeing her hurt hurt me but again I was young and stupid and listened to the wrong people. But the thing is any time she has hurt me ( which has been a lot too ) she turned it on me and made me feel like I was wrong and I always apologized. I never wanted her to feel bad, sad and or down. I supported her in every life decision she has made from from school to the military and I stood by her side every step of the way even when she committed adultery I forgave her cause of how I hurt her in the past ( I know it shouldn’t be an excuse ) but that’s how much in love with her I am! And told her I was sorry for her doing it. Again I’m not that kid I was I’ve grown into a man a Dad and a care giver. So not every man isn’t capable of love or change, but some of us are. Ladies and Gentlemen please do not live in the past cause all it will do is destroy you and a lot of ppl around you and you just might lose the one that is the one for you. Thank you all to read this and for your time.
    Jamie

  • Everything you say is true. I was married to that guy for 18 years. In a rage he left me and I was finally able to tell him not to come back. I don’t know if I would call it strength. I was just tired of hurting and being dissapointed. I just didn’t care anymore about anything. I am healing now. I’m not there yet but I know I will be. It’s all because I have wonderful support and I’ve educated myself. The more I read the clearer it becomes. I just want to thank you for putting this out there.

  • Reading this was as if you wrote about my same life, this is exactly what i went through and feel. There is no uplifting, its always belittling me and competing with me. I am always questioning whether its real love from him and i am so broken now that i lost the spark of happiness in my eyes. I was a confident girl, except of my flaws and now i’m struggling daily to be the light i once was…

  • I can totally relate to this. I didn’t think anyone could relate to what I am currently feeling. I just left my boyfriend of one year and I feel like my world is falling apart. Never have I felt so betrayed and heartbroken. My ex was the definition of cold. Thank you for sharing your experience. It gives me hope for a brighter day.

  • I feel as if I’m reading my life in every comment on here. I’m in a 4 year relationship with a 38 year old man who owns his own home. We met when I was a single mother to 9 month old twin girls. He was at my house every day!!! But 4 years later… I’m still living with my parents (thank god for family) and my daughters are now 4!!! They have only been to his home 5 times!!! He doesn’t say he loves me… and we haven’t been intimate in a year. I’m so foolish to think this would go anywhere. But then why does he still come around? Why does he INSIST that he’s being loyal?? He’s not gaining nor getting anything from me?? Can someone please tell me why?? I’ve tried speaking to him about my concerns but he shuts down. Changes the subject or walks away. Yet I keep waiting that maybe he will do something. I can’t believe I’m writing this. I’ve never done this before. I’m so desperate for answers.

    • Lack communication and commitment or at least a game plan on his part is what is driving you crazy, right?Are you expecting him to move you and your children into his house? He’s got his own space now it seems, come and goes as he pleases, so moving three girls into his home could be scary to him. Is he ready to be a father figure to them more than he is now? You want to move forward and he’s happy with the current situation. I think a lot of us ladies have been with the Peter Pan type of guy…the guy who wants to not be tied down but wants to have something so he’s not lonely. If you aren’t in the same place in life, you have to realize that. Remember, things don’t change if things don’t change.

  • Maybe I’m the one that will change him. I can be everything for him that he didn’t have in his other relationships. He loves me truly loves me like hes never loved anybody else hes told me that himself.

  • I’m SO glad you were able to come out of this experience, collect yourself and, piece by piece, put yourself back together!
    I can only continue to pray for my little sister as she has decided to go back to her narcissist of 18 years.
    But in EVERY. SINGLE. WORD of this article, I saw him.
    I could tell it was EXACTLY what she has been going through.
    Sadly, he “raised” her… a 27 year old man (with 3 kids and an estranged wife) preying on a naive, vulnerable 16 year old girl, and POOF… 18 years later, he is EXACTLY what he wants in a “wife”… or better yet, a SLAVE!

  • “I wasn’t half the person I used to be after he was done with me”

    I would offer the premise that perhaps you were not all you thought you were in the first place?

  • I HAD to leave my ex – when he asked why, I wrote this to him

    There were once a thousand sparkles
    A thousand reasons why
    I had to be beside you in their light
    Time has taken them away
    One by one they have gone out
    And now it is dark beside you

    I was once a bubble
    Full of bounce and vibe
    Now I am flat and woeful
    Scared of what I will find
    And most of all I miss the sparkles
    That kept me smiling and alive

    I hope, one day, you will see
    That to take away those sparkles
    The hopes, the dreams, the smiles
    Was to take the me away from me
    And put another person there
    Without a heart or mind.

    There are only tears that sparkle now
    To light my day
    There are no smiles, no hopes, no dreams
    Perhaps one day there will be
    Someone to love the me in me
    And let me sparkle all the time.

    His reply was………………………………….. “bollocks”

  • I’m living this right now. I’m so in love with this guy I don’t know what to do. His wife tried to tell me what kind of man he was but I wouldn’t listen. He told me she was crazy and I believed him. But now I’m starting to see the real him. I don’t want to lose him but I don’t know how I can live this way especially as long as she did.

  • Faith – exactly the same happened to me. My mistake was I didn’t listen to her or my gut instinct. He swept me off my feet (love bombed) in the first couple of months, by which time I was hooked. After about six months, I tried to end things as we had virtually nothing in common – that was pretty much the first thing he turned round on me. He said I was being negative. We were on and off for 4 years,. Every time I ended it, we still kept contact as I was addicted to him. Only now, the realisation of what he was truly like is sinking in. I still find it hard to believe I meant nothing. Please listen to your inner voice – I so wish I had

    • He’s now convinced me to move in to his house and sell mine which was in much better shape. I’ve packed up everything I own and my children and moved and left everything secure behind. I love him so very much but I still wait for the other shoe to drop. What if he truly is everything that she said and here I am out in the middle of nowhere with nothing familiar away from all my friends.. But I felt I had to do this to keep him and maybe be all that he needs for he won’t need all the other women

  • I just went throw this for 9months and every time we got in fight it was my fault never his and I just seen him last f riday night after being broke up for 3 weekend back with his wife that he told me he hated and she did him wrong I m sure he was cheat on me the whole 9months it sucks and everyone would say to me ur unhappy we can see it I never could now I’m better it tales time always had reasons he couldn’t be with me or needed his time by his self now I know why

  • Excellent article. After finding my strength to separate from my narcissistic husband of 28 years I went from the pot into the fire. My first love from high school came back to town after 30 years and I discovered too late that he is a sociopath narcissist. He’s been an alcoholic his entire life and in the past two years has developed an addiction to crack cocaine. He is abusive mentally, verbally and physically. He is liar and a chronic cheat. He was married four times and cheated on every partner. This is the man that I thought I could help change to become a better man that he led me to believe he always wanted to be. He convinced me that he had never stopped loving me ( in my defense he did call me every year for 30 years telling me how sorry he was for the way he treated me as teenagers) . He convinced me that I was his angel and with my love and support he could beat his addictions and be a better man. Since I couldn’t save my marriage I threw myself into helping him.

    I went to 225 AA Meetings with him, helped him fight for his job back, found him a place to live and moved him. This took a year. Within a month he was fired again and was on the move again. In the last ten years I found him 4 places to live and moved him each time, printed him resumes , found him jobs and drove him back and forth to work, cooked for him, monthly haircuts, meetings, etc…. but because I wouldn’t make a commitment to him he fluctuated between love bombing me or sleeping around or abusing me. I’ve left him so many times I’ve lost count. He’s slept with so many other woman I’ve lost count. I stopped an intimate relationship with him 7 years ago but remained his best friend ( supply) . He treats me like garbage 75% of the time whilst expecting me to be there at his whim. I’ve allowed this insanity to go on for 10 years. I got the final discard 5 days ago. Three weeks ago he called desperate for my help. He had no food or money (although he spent $250,000 of his pension last year) and asked me to feed him. I went to see him to access the situation. He was unable to walk due to drug use and no food for three days. I took care of him for three weeks, bringing him meals, giving him a haircut, taking him to dr’s appt etc…. and last week he was well enough to go to the bank to get another lump sum of money out of his pension. I got the discard 3 days later as I told him if he used the money for drugs or alcohol I was done. He verbally abused me in front of his friends and I walked out. I’ve heard nothing from him since. I simply don’t exist. I know this is for the best but the ache in my heart is suffocating. Acceptance is the hardest part of grief for me and accepting that all these years was just a game to him and I meant absolutely nothing is crushing my soul. But accept I must in order to heal and move past this awful chapter in my life. Your articles are so bang on and so very helpful. Thank you.

  • I did it too. Mostly because I was raised by a narcissist and kept repeating, thinking I could eventually “win”. But it’s not winnable and that is no reflection of me. Thank you for sharing this.

  • That sounds so much like me because I fell in love with this guy and knowing that he never loved me to start with really rips your heart out because I give our relationship everything I had in me for what to get a black eye and be put down by his family and if that wasn’t enough they had to bring my grand babies in it to even hurt me more. Know I feel like he is right Nobody can love someone like me because hell I don’t even love myself anymore because of the way I was done.

  • He’s now convinced me to move in to his house and sell mine which was in much better shape. I’ve packed up everything I own and my children and moved and left everything secure behind. I love him so very much but I still wait for the other shoe to drop. What if he truly is everything that she said and here I am out in the middle of nowhere with nothing familiar away from all my friends.. But I felt I had to do this to keep him and maybe be all that he needs for he won’t need all the other women

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