The worst part of life is waiting. The best part of life is having someone worth waiting for.
My Dear Someone,
I was never a girl who rushed things. I kept believing that good things took time. I knew that the things you waited a long time for ended up being the most precious ones. I guess the wait made them that special and precious in the first place.
You know, I was never afraid to wait. I believed in the beauty behind the wait. Until I realized I might be waiting for someone and something that would most probably never happen. And there is nothing beautiful in waiting for something that never headed your way.
I’m sorry, but giving me just your crumbs wouldn’t cut it. I am not the type of girl who is satisfied with the bare minimum. If I am ready to give you all of me, I’d expect nothing less in return. And although with you I was always wearing my heart on my sleeve and you knew where you stood with me, I never knew where I stood with you.
When you love, you should make sure the other person knows the things you want and that they are on the top of your list of priorities. Unfortunately, I don’t think I ever made it to your list to begin with.
You held me at arm’s length and that’s exactly where you wanted me to be. Just close enough for you to reach me when you needed me and far enough for me to not be able to get too close to you. You see the problem now?
If by now you can’t wrap your mind around what you did wrong, then I have no problem pointing out the obvious:
I wanted you to choose me. I had no desire to be ‘another fish in the sea’. I didn’t want to be anybody, I actually wanted to be somebody to you. I waited and waited for you to make an effort, to show me that you saw me for who I was and I waited for you to choose me. As if I was waiting for Godot. No matter how much I was told waiting for you was in vain, I wasn’t gonna listen.
I guess I wasn’t ready to let you go. I wasn’t ready to free myself from the idea of what we could’ve been. I had carved in my mind this idea of you and me together and this perfect you actually wanted me to be somebody to you. But as I already said, it was just me ideally picturing you. And I kept waiting for the ideal you to choose me. My dreams shattered when I realized that you weren’t perfect at all, it was me who made you that way.
See, this perfect you would never have led me on. This perfect you wouldn’t have given me just enough attention so I’d believe you were into me. This perfect you would never have used me the way you used me. It didn’t just occur to me that we could have been something more, you actually made me believe it. And right when I got my hopes up, you pulled back. You decided I’d gotten enough love from you and that you now had me for a lifetime. When I started doubting us, you’d do your magic and I’d fall again for you again.
I was hooked, truth be told. The naive side of me believed in this dream that I’d finally found someone who cared for me and wanted me. The side that had been through many hell-intertwined situations in life knew better. And I finally let the other side handle those things.
Today, I decided that this was going to be the day I stopped waiting. Today was going to be the day that I stopped spending even a minute of my time thinking of you. I don’t want to think about the things we might’ve been when you never actually believed we could be a thing in the first place.
I won’t beg someone to love me. I won’t beg you to love me. I learned a long time ago that there is no use in the hopeless plans of trying to make someone stay. I am too valuable to chase someone who doesn’t know my worth and to keep waiting for someone who doesn’t acknowledge my value. I want to be loved unconditionally and I shouldn’t have to fight so hard for it. I am worth more than that.
Just so you know, whether this was your intention or not, you didn’t get the best of me. You were pretty close, but I got out just in time. Waiting for you didn’t leave me broken at the end, but it did teach me a valuable lesson.
As a matter of fact, I still believe that good things take time. I’m as naive as I was at the beginning of the story, you know. I choose to believe in love and in the existence of someone out there who won’t have to think twice before choosing me. I believe there is someone who won’t make love feel so hard.
I believe there is someone who’ll see my worth and acknowledge my value on his own. I believe that there is someone to whom I won’t be just anybody but who’ll want me to be his everything. That someone is worth the wait. You are not.
I still believe good things take time. It’s just that I have come to realize that you’re not really a good thing for me.
So, Goodbye My Somebody,
The Girl Who Deserved So Much More