Just because you walked away, it doesn’t mean my pain is gone too. It doesn’t mean that by walking away you erased all my feelings toward you or that you’ve been able to delete all the memories I have.
To be honest, I have no idea if I felt more down when we dated or now that you’re gone. The worst part is that I’m not sure you deserve any of it because I never really knew how you felt about me.
And even though you said it was love, your actions spoke differently.
For a long time, I thought we would make it if I did some things differently. But then when I think about what those things might have been, I can’t find an answer because I gave my all in.
I did everything I could and it still wasn’t enough. Not that that’s something new, as I have this feeling nothing I ever did was enough for you.
And after all this time I wonder how it is possible that we didn’t make it, when I loved you so much. How is it possible that we didn’t make it when you said you loved me too?
But if you had truly loved me, why would you have made me feel like I wasn’t good enough?
You kept comparing me to others. You wanted me to be more like this or more like that. There were so many things you wanted from me and wanted me to change and I only wanted one thing from you—to love me for who I was.
But you never truly loved me because you never truly accepted me for who I was. You never wanted me to be who I really was, there was always something about me that bothered you.
Regardless of how many good things we had, you kept seeing only the bad ones.
You kept bringing up my imperfections. I know, I’m far from perfect, but there is more to me than my imperfections. I’m not all imperfect, there are things I really love about myself.
I have positive sides too and I have more good traits than those bad ones. But you were never able to see the good ones because you only focused on the bad ones.
After a while, I started seeing myself through your eyes and I too didn’t like what I saw.
You kept making expectations that I couldn’t reach. You never gave me anything in return, but you wanted me to do all the things you asked from me.
Whenever you didn’t like something about me, you asked me to change it. If I changed it, you’d move to the next thing that bothered you about me and if I didn’t, you kept complaining about it until I too started to hate it as well.
It was so hard for me to keep up with you and I tried so hard because I loved you.
On the other hand, you never made a spot for me in your life. I never knew where I stood with you. And that’s something no one should experience in love.
No one should ever wonder where they stand in the life of the person they love. And there I was, full of love for you but without any promise of a future or even a promise that my love would be reciprocated.
I couldn’t shake the feeling that it was me and that I wasn’t good enough for you. I couldn’t see myself with you when you never gave me a glimpse of hope, not a single kind gesture that would tell me that you found me worthy of my love.
All I could think of was how I couldn’t get anything right. And for so long I wondered how I got there and what was wrong until I finally realized that you weren’t ready to settle.
You were never really ready to stop the chase and be satisfied with a single girl. The possibility that there was someone better out there and that you were settling for less kept haunting you.
You were also far from perfect, but I guess you had a narcissist very well disguised inside. And this strong part of you could never really settle, never actually wanted to settle.
I realized it wasn’t me and that it was anything too much wrong with me. No girl could ever be good enough for you because that’s just who you are.
Constantly moving from one person to another but never being able to be satisfied with yourself or where you stand.
You said you loved me, but now I know it wasn’t love. You might’ve loved the potential you saw in me, but that wasn’t true love. If it was, I wouldn’t have constantly felt like I was not good enough.
It wasn’t love because you’re too scared to love. And it’s not that I’m not good enough, it’s that no other could ever be good enough; after all, you never meant to stay to begin with.
So good luck with your chase for the perfect one, but I’m done mistaking what you gave me for love. I’m done bringing myself down because you couldn’t accept or love me for who I was.
I love myself just the way I am, with all my imperfections and all my good sides and I know someone else will too.
